Things I’ve Learned This Week

** A splinter in your bra does not make for happy boobs.

** The inventor of summer camp deserves the Nobel Peace Prize.

** There’s a reason for that whole “dog chewing the slippers” stereotype.  Just ask my Uggs.

** Single parents are the hardest working people on the planet.

** “The Today Show” REALLY needs to stop showing that woman who was mauled by a chimpanzee, especially at breakfast time.  Ick.

** My children plot their shits to occur at precisely the time I begin to eat a meal.

** Tortilla chips and yogurt do not make for a very satisfying dinner.

** Boxing is a rockin’ good time of a workout.

** Digging through a bin of thongs that are on sale gives me the willies.

** If there is a spider web, I will be sure to walk straight into it.

** I need a massaging chair in my family room.

** If it smells like poop, it probably IS poop.

** A full roll of Scotch tape does not stand a chance in this house.

** I can’t help it — I’m still intrigued by the weirdness that was Michael Jackson.

** My kids wanna party like rock stars at approximately 8:55 p.m. every frickin’ night.

** Our pet fish is trying to commit suicide.

** I would NEVER wait in line for hours for ANYTHING, much less a damn cellphone.

** My husband knows what’s good for him — he chose ME over technology!

** Withholding sex works like a charm.

** “Toy Story 3” is one of the best movies I’ve seen in a really long time.

** Mornings?  Can suck it.

** Despite what I might think, God does not give me more than I can handle.

<< WHAT DID YOU LEARN THIS WEEK????? >>

Sometimes KIDS Know Best

I realize that I’ve pretty much done nothing but moan and groan over the past two weeks with the hubby being out of town for so frickin’ long.  Can I help it, though, if my fairy godmother decided to go off on a bender and that the shadow of doom chose to make my household its bitch?  No, unfortunately, I cannot.  Surprisingly, however, there HAVE been two small incidents that brought about a much-needed smile across my tired, weary face.  When you’re at the end of your very frayed rope, little things mean a lot.

A couple of nights ago during bath time when I was on the verge of running off to join the circus, my son must have somehow sensed my desperation.  The dog had just chewed up my favorite slippers, the dirty laundry looked like Mount Kilimanjaro, and I had refereed more than my fair share of fights for the day.  So when I saw that my daughter had then turned the tub into a damn wave pool, I had no other choice but to begin my transformation into Mean Mommy.  My lid was just about to flip when I felt a little pair of arms envelop me from behind like a warm blanket.  I glanced over my shoulder to see my amazingly perceptive little guy smiling sweetly at me as if to say that everything was gonna be alright.  Just that teensy tiny little hug was all I needed to get me through the rest of that long day.

And maybe it’s a twin thing because my daughter, too, must have had a feeling that Mama was at her breaking point.  It was after yet another nerve-racking afternoon that she holed herself up with some paper and crayons and forbade me from entering the room.  She claimed that she was working on a surprise for me that was “super duper top secret.”  I grumbled about the wreck of a mess that had taken over the kitchen and struggled to keep my heavy eyelids open.  All I wanted to do was to crawl into bed and forget about all the madness of my frickin’ world.  And that’s exactly the point that my angelic little girl presented me with this:

I “fink” it was just what I needed to snap me out of my funk.

Kids really are amazing, aren’t they?!

Things I’ve Learned This Week

** Summer break is the equivalent of a homefront civil war.

** August is a REALLY long way away.

** Babysitters make everything better.

** If I had a penis, it would be a “ginormous” one, according to my son anyway.

** BP sure must like the taste of feet in their mouth.

** It’s not easy to shit out Scotch tape.  Just ask the dog.

** Sand & ass bombs are not a good combination.

** My life involves entirely too much shit (literally).

** Cheese fries may very well be the nastiest food on the planet — I can’t even look at them, much less ever eat ’em.

** Skin cancer has scared the living beejesus out of me.

** The lights in our basement playroom were on for 3 straight days, 24/7.  Sorry, Mother Earth.

** Starbucks REALLY needs to start delivering to me first thing in the morning.

** Kids have WAY too much energy.

** Everything, and I do mean EVERYTHING, always goes wrong when the hubby has a business trip.

** My husband is going to bring me a fabulous present from Paris (did you hear that, Honey??!!)

** Sadly, smiling seems to have gone out of style.

** I should wear a fancier thong if I’m gonna flash a crowded street of cars.

** If you’re seven, swim evaluations are called “swim evacuations“.

** My personal assistant REALLY needs to come back from vacation.  Oh wait, that’s right, I don’t HAVE a personal assistant.

** The kids’ bathroom was attacked by toothpaste.

** I believe I set a record number of “fucks” said within a seven-day period.

** There’s a mafia of mosquitoes out to get me.

** I cannot do it all.

** Despite what I might think, God does not give me more than I can handle.

<< WHAT DID YOU LEARN THIS WEEK???? >>

A Shitty Day At The Beach

Yesterday was a day when I needed much more than just an IV of caffeine.  Hell, what I needed was more like a damn IV of margaritas!  Cause yesterday?  Well, yesterday was pretty freaking sucky.  Any time that sandy poo is part of a trip to the beach is a day that I’d rather just forget altogether.

When you see your child running toward you through the sand with brown water running down her leg, you can pretty much bet your ass that you’re about to have yourself a wreck of a mess on your hands.  Do you know how well sand and poo go together?  Yeah, they don’t.  Like, at all.  I won’t go into all the nitty gritty details, since I care deeply about the welfare of my readers, but trust me, it was nothing short of a gag-inducing experience, without a doubt.  By the time I finished cleaning up the crime scene, I wanted to either go home and call it a day or hit the nearest bar stool and go to mother effin’ town.  I played the “Good Mama” card, though, put aside my feelings of nausea and bitterness, and let my daughter enjoy some more fun in the sun with her friends.  Cause that’s how I roll, people.  That did not, however, stop my eyes from shooting extra pointy daggers toward those few lucky bitches who were peacefully reading their magazines in their beach chairs as their offspring played off in the distance.  I mean really, bitches, take your perfect little parenting techniques and shove ’em up straight up your tranquil little asses, ok?

So, given the state of my afternoon, you can probably imagine, then, how well a tweeted picture of my husband’s view of the Eiffel Tower went over at the end of the day.  He’s in one of the most awesome cities on earth (for business, but STILL!), while I’m stuck here scraping shit out from underneath my fingernails.  A little off-balance, wouldn’t ya say?  I forewarned him that further awesome photography shots would most likely result in the loss of someone’s balls.  I think he got the picture.  So, here’s hopin’ that today is a little less “shitty” than yesterday….

Things I’ve Learned This Week

** There is no doubt that in a former life, our dog was a paper shredder.

** I will forever be a day late & a dollar behind.

** We put the “lazy” in our Lazy Susan, given that there’s no tellin’ what the hell you’ll find in there.

** Mornings?  Can bite me.

** I need to start passing out chill pills to some of the parents at the soccer fields.

** Birds enjoy pooping on me.

** My son apparently no longer likes carrots, which brings the number of veggies he’ll eat to Z-E-R-O.

** Greasy little fingers always manage to leave their stamp on me.

** Sandy boobs are not my cup of tea.

** I will never pee in peace again.

** Sadly, people care more about Al & Tipper Gore separating than they do about global warming.

** I REALLY need to learn Spanish so I’ll know when my kids are conspiring to overthrow my throne.

** If you’re not turning right, you’ve got no business being in the right-hand lane at a stop light.

** Screw sexy — Justin needs to bring NAPPING back.

** I should’ve been the one who invented Silly Bands, dammit!

** I’m gonna need an extra-large stock of Valium when my daughter goes through puberty.

** Calgon REALLY needs to come and take me away.

** Despite what I might think, God does not give me more than I can handle.

<< WHAT DID YOU LEARN THIS WEEK???? >>

Things I’ve Learned This Week

** Judgmental moms can suck it.

** My kids coined the phrase, “Save the drama for your mama.”

** Fingernail clippings do NOT belong on the kitchen table.

** Dirt floors would better serve this household.

** If a door says “PULL” to open, you probably shouldn’t push it.

** Watching a YouTube video of lice crawling in someone’s hair can scar you for life.

** I really shouldn’t have to keep saying, “Don’t eat your boogers.”

** Moth balls should be illegal. Pee-eww.

** I have a cooler with a baseball bat and a shovel in my backyard.

** I am classy.

** Children only want to sleep in on school days.

** Our foyer looks like a shoe factory had the runs.

** We should’ve named the dog “Asshole.”

** My son is obsessed with timers.

** Nobody truly lives on Perfect Mountain.

**”Jack and Jill” is one dumb-ass nursery rhyme.

** BP stands for “Big Pussies.”

** Google is my friend.

** It’s beyond bizarre that my waxing lady leaves the room for me to remove my pants before a bikini wax.  Hello…lady bits in your face!

** I’ll be dead before I finally feel rested.

** There are WAY too many grumpy people in this world.

** I could really use a personal assistant.

** Despite what I might think, God does not give me more than I can handle.

<< WHAT DID YOU LEARN THIS WEEK?????? >>

Things I’ve Learned This Week

** My body didn’t get the memo that I don’t do sick.

** I am not bringing sexy back.

** I’ve done so much blowing (of my nose) that I have a whole new appreciation for vacuum cleaners & hookers.

** Glitter glue should be outlawed.

** Taking a shower is A LOT of work.

** Brown paint spilled on the rug looks like smeared shit. (Ask the dog how I learned this.)

** The DMV is giving ANYBODY a license these days.

** Boogers do not dissolve in bath water (thanks, Daughter, for pointing this out.)

** Martha Stewart has WAY too much time on her hands. (Hello! The woman made chalk on Wednesday.)

** My son has changed his name to “Pepsi”.

** Our family room looks like a frat house, minus the keg (unfortunately).

** Big decisions shouldn’t be made under the influence of DayQuil.

** It’s best to use a hot pad when taking something out of the oven.

** Facebook thinks I need dating advice. WTF?!

** The early bird doesn’t even come close to catching the damn worm.

** I really need to become friends with a sushi chef.

** A ninety year old man with no teeth could eat faster than my son.

** Dark chocolate brightens up any old lunch.

** I need to make a mental note to make more mental notes.

** The dog is just like Kathy Lee Gifford — loves to hear himself bark.

** Automated phone systems make fire shoot out my ears.

** Our pantry’s organization (or lack thereof) is hazardous to the health of anyone who opens its door.

** My kids are allergic to sleep.

** Despite what I might think, God does not give me more than I can handle.

Things I’ve Learned This Week

** It’s not a good idea to go for a run after a Brazilian bikini wax. You should just trust me on this.

** Kids need to eat every day.  Who knew?

** I’ve forgotten which way is up and which way is down.

** Mother Nature is having a jolly old time screwing with those of us who thought it was actually Spring.

** Avocados rock my world.

** I am a human coat rack, according to my kids anyway.

** The bags under my eyes have taken up permanent residence & will now be referred to as Lucy & Ethel.

** Diet Coke is my co-pilot.

** Douchebags are just crawling outta the woodworks.  The latest?  Steven Seagal.

** My dog prefers thong underwear (to eat, not to wear).

** I will soon be pancake pavement since NOBODY wants to stop for pedestrians anymore.

** Smoke alarm batteries die at approximately 3:33 a.m.

** My son may be the longest story teller in the history of story tellers.

** There’s a wocket in my pocket.

** I will never speak true Starbucks lingo.

** “F’ing-A” is my go-to phrase when I stub my toe.

** I need to win the lottery. Like now.

** Scotch tape disappears as quickly in my house as wine.

** I am apparently not smarter than a first grader.

** Goldfish crackers are best enjoyed in the nude.

** Getting off a mountain bike is definitely not one of my strengths. (See black & blue left kneecap).

** Despite what I might think, God does not give me more than I can handle.

Things I’ve Learned This Week

** I can light a grill without burning off my eyebrows.

** Chocolate carmel pecan Easter eggs are not safe in this house, even if they’re the size of Texas.

** The dog likes to drink beer.

** Fruit Roll-Ups are to teeth what water is to the Wicked Witch of the West.

** OPI’s “Privacy Please” is a super cool, very natural-looking nail polish color.

** I need a vacation.

** My children should win a medal for their nighttime tip-toeing abilities.

** We should never watch porn before 10 p.m.

** I can sleep with my eyes open.

** The theme for Thursdays is apparently “Drive Like A Jackass Day.”

** I could be lying on the family room floor bleeding to death & no one in my family would notice.

** Little shit-covered Hello Kitty underwear still smell like ass even after they’ve been shoved in a dirty clothes hamper for 2 days. (If only my daughter had learned this as well….)

** I need a vacation.

** “Dancing With the Stars” reminds me of “The Lawrence Welk Show” with sluttier outfits.

** Why just get a Grande when I can get a Venti?

** A polygon is a dead parrot.  (Props to my son, the comedian, for that one.)

** The devil horns pop out of my children’s heads at approximately 7:02 every night.

** Allergies are trying to make the Nucking Futs family swim with the fishes.

** I really need to reiterate the “dump & flush” rule in this house.

** Joe Biden likes to drop the F-bomb whenever possible.

** Did I mention that I need a vacation?

** My family’s trying like hell to get us on an episode of “Hoarders.”

** I am asked 788,946 questions every day.

** Despite what I might think, God does not give me more than I can handle.

Parental Fail

 

I’m having one of THOSE days — you know, the ones where you feel like the worst parent on the planet?  Yes, I’ve snipped, I’ve snapped, and I’ve dared anyone to try and cross my path.  I’ve got a major NyQuil hangover, not to mention a dog who is psychotically obsessed with my ass.  I’ve nursed everyone else but myself back to health for three freaking weeks, and quite frankly, I’m sick and tired of it.  My last bit of patience has hit the road Jack. So, when my son tried to play me this morning into thinking he should stay home from school once again, I wasn’t having it.  I made him suck it up and strap on his backpack.  I listened to him grumble all the way to school, but I marched his little ass right through the front doors, all the while feeling a tiny pit of guilt in my stomach about whether or not I was doing the right thing.  Even though I just took him to the doctor for the bazillionth effing time last night for an ear check, maybe he really was coming down with something….  

And as I was fighting this internal battle within myself,  I was punched right in the face with yet another parental failure on my part.  I completely forgot to help my kids make a damn leprechaun trap for their first grade classrooms.  

 

SON. OF. A. BITCH.  

I watched all these happy, smiling mothers carrying these ornately decorated boxes into their kids’ classrooms, and I wanted to just slam my head into one of the itty bitty lockers in the hall.  Shit!  Could I seriously suck any more?  The teachers reassured me that my kids could bring their boxes in tomorrow, and that maybe some leprechauns could sneak into the classrooms during lunch to leave some “gold” behind.  But, damn, how could I forget that?  I’m a stay at home mom — isn’t it my job to know these friggin’ things?  

So, yes, I’m beating myself up today, and yes I’m in a bitchy mood.  I cannot keep everything straight, and I’m clearly far from perfect.  If I see one of those “know it all moms” today, I swear I may just run her over with my car.  I am human, and I screw up sometimes, so you can either sue me or join me in my pity party.