Things I’ve Learned This Week

** Summer break is the equivalent of a homefront civil war.

** August is a REALLY long way away.

** Babysitters make everything better.

** If I had a penis, it would be a “ginormous” one, according to my son anyway.

** BP sure must like the taste of feet in their mouth.

** It’s not easy to shit out Scotch tape.  Just ask the dog.

** Sand & ass bombs are not a good combination.

** My life involves entirely too much shit (literally).

** Cheese fries may very well be the nastiest food on the planet — I can’t even look at them, much less ever eat ’em.

** Skin cancer has scared the living beejesus out of me.

** The lights in our basement playroom were on for 3 straight days, 24/7.  Sorry, Mother Earth.

** Starbucks REALLY needs to start delivering to me first thing in the morning.

** Kids have WAY too much energy.

** Everything, and I do mean EVERYTHING, always goes wrong when the hubby has a business trip.

** My husband is going to bring me a fabulous present from Paris (did you hear that, Honey??!!)

** Sadly, smiling seems to have gone out of style.

** I should wear a fancier thong if I’m gonna flash a crowded street of cars.

** If you’re seven, swim evaluations are called “swim evacuations“.

** My personal assistant REALLY needs to come back from vacation.  Oh wait, that’s right, I don’t HAVE a personal assistant.

** The kids’ bathroom was attacked by toothpaste.

** I believe I set a record number of “fucks” said within a seven-day period.

** There’s a mafia of mosquitoes out to get me.

** I cannot do it all.

** Despite what I might think, God does not give me more than I can handle.

<< WHAT DID YOU LEARN THIS WEEK???? >>

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Things I’ve Learned This Week

** Judgmental moms can suck it.

** My kids coined the phrase, “Save the drama for your mama.

** Fingernail clippings do NOT belong on the kitchen table.

** Dirt floors would better serve this household.

** If a door says “PULL” to open, you probably shouldn’t push it.

** Watching a YouTube video of lice crawling in someone’s hair can scar you for life.

** I really shouldn’t have to keep saying, “Don’t eat your boogers.”

** Moth balls should be illegal. Pee-eww.

** I have a cooler with a baseball bat and a shovel in my backyard.

** I am classy.

** Children only want to sleep in on school days.

** Our foyer looks like a shoe factory had the runs.

** We should’ve named the dog “Asshole.”

** My son is obsessed with timers.

** Nobody truly lives on Perfect Mountain.

**”Jack and Jill” is one dumb-ass nursery rhyme.

** BP stands for “Big Pussies.”

** Google is my friend.

** It’s beyond bizarre that my waxing lady leaves the room for me to remove my pants before a bikini wax.  Hello…lady bits in your face!

** I’ll be dead before I finally feel rested.

** There are WAY too many grumpy people in this world.

** I could really use a personal assistant.

** Despite what I might think, God does not give me more than I can handle.

<< WHAT DID YOU LEARN THIS WEEK?????? >>