Things I’ve Learned This Week

** Summer break is the equivalent of a homefront civil war.

** August is a REALLY long way away.

** Babysitters make everything better.

** If I had a penis, it would be a “ginormous” one, according to my son anyway.

** BP sure must like the taste of feet in their mouth.

** It’s not easy to shit out Scotch tape.  Just ask the dog.

** Sand & ass bombs are not a good combination.

** My life involves entirely too much shit (literally).

** Cheese fries may very well be the nastiest food on the planet — I can’t even look at them, much less ever eat ’em.

** Skin cancer has scared the living beejesus out of me.

** The lights in our basement playroom were on for 3 straight days, 24/7.  Sorry, Mother Earth.

** Starbucks REALLY needs to start delivering to me first thing in the morning.

** Kids have WAY too much energy.

** Everything, and I do mean EVERYTHING, always goes wrong when the hubby has a business trip.

** My husband is going to bring me a fabulous present from Paris (did you hear that, Honey??!!)

** Sadly, smiling seems to have gone out of style.

** I should wear a fancier thong if I’m gonna flash a crowded street of cars.

** If you’re seven, swim evaluations are called “swim evacuations“.

** My personal assistant REALLY needs to come back from vacation.  Oh wait, that’s right, I don’t HAVE a personal assistant.

** The kids’ bathroom was attacked by toothpaste.

** I believe I set a record number of “fucks” said within a seven-day period.

** There’s a mafia of mosquitoes out to get me.

** I cannot do it all.

** Despite what I might think, God does not give me more than I can handle.



Crap! School’s Out

Well, it’s that time once again — time to wrap up yet another year of school.  I swear I don’t know where the hell the time has gone, but I feel like I was just bawling my eyes out at kindergarten graduation.  And now?  My babies are about to officially become big ol’ second graders.  And if I start to get too sappy about this little milestone, well then all I need to do is spend more than five minutes with the little hellions to be snapped right out of my sentimental haze.  Cause good God almighty, these kids have summer fever coming right outta their miniature a-holes.

Just what do I mean by “summer fever” you ask?  Well, say you poured ten cups of sugar into a giant bowl, topped it off with some sprinkles of crack-cocaine, fed it to two seven-year-olds, and then had them chase it with a case of Red Bull.  Yeah, that is what I’m talkin’ about!  They are literally bouncing off the walls with excitement 24/7.  Honestly, I had no idea that human beings were capable of talking this freaking much.  And would it have killed God to equip these flippin’ kids with a damn volume button?  Sheesh, a person can pop only so much Advil before it becomes treacherous to her health, ya know.

And as if the hyper activity weren’t enough in and of itself, I’m also being bombarded with every paper and notebook under the damn sun that’s being sent home each and every day.  I really wish I could talk the teachers into using my round filing cabinet system more often.  Call me a bad mom, but I don’t need to save every frickin’ handwriting paper their pencils came into contact with.  To be fair to the teachers, though, I totally get that they’re just trying to get the crap out of their classrooms so that they, too, can get the hell out of dodge for the summer.  I just wish it wouldn’t end up scattered all over the floor of my living and dining rooms.

There WAS something positive, however, about the clearing out of the desks that occurred.  My son finally came across the Mother’s Day present that he made for me in art class and apparently forgot to bring home.  Nothin’ like a little appreciation for mama, even if it IS a month AFTER the fact.  But hey, I’ve learned through experience to just take what I can get.

So when that final bell rings today, I’m left with just one question:  How in the name of my last shred of sanity am I gonna survive the next two months??!!  We’re either gonna have an amazing summer together, or they’re gonna eat me alive on a silver platter.  Regardless of what happens, though, I’m gonna be sure to wear clean underwear and stock up on wine so I’m prepared for either scenario.

Back To School


     When the packets with the class lists first came in the mail, I got a big lump in my throat.  And when I read through all the welcome information from the teachers, I thought I might cry. How is it possible that my babies will be starting FIRST GRADE tomorrow?!  The thought of finally being an empty nester during the day made me feel a bit weepy.  I wondered if I might get a little lonely without the constant sounds of my little companions.  And what on earth would I do with all that free time on my hands?  (Heh!)  But, then, my real life sucker punched me in the gut, and my kids started in with their end-of-the-summer screaming and yelling and pushing and shoving, and I realized that I very well might just go off the deep end if everybody doesn’t get back into some kind of groove as quickly as humanly possible.

    And I know I’m not alone in this sense of urgency.  Everywhere we go, I can see it on the faces of every mother we encounter.  We are all ready for our kids to get the hell out of our hair for a few hours at the very least. Our sanity is counting on it.  When we were at the beach yesterday, a few of the other moms and I were just sitting there in awe at the sight before us.  Kids were running in little packs here and there and everywhere like a bunch of wild banshees.  It looked like a scene straight out of Lord of the Flies.  I half expected a group of them to come tearing through at any minute with a sacrificial pig on a stick.  You could just feel an uncontrollable hyper energy in the air.  I even made my kids leave the playground area at one time because the behavior that I saw being demonstrated by the older kids there was borderline savage.  There was no doubt in my mind that someone would end up hurt.

     And it seems that every mom I know has succumbed to wearing her black and white striped uniform on a daily basis as the summer winds to an end. Sibling rivalry is at its all-time high, and brothers and sisters are on the verge of outright killing each other.  Everyone is overly tired and just plain bored with each other.  As much as my kids would like to think I can, I simply cannot be a 24/7 entertainment director.  I’ve got too much other crap to do!  I need someone else to step up to the plate and provide my kids with distractions so that they don’t beat the tar out of each other.  

     The bottom line is that kids, just like adults, need routine — we can all be better organized and accomplish a whole lot more if we know what to expect.  With us being gone for a week to visit the grandparents and then my husband’s stupid “staycation” last week, things could not be more chaotic around here. I honestly don’t know if I’m coming or going half the time.  We need more stability and order up in here, and thank God I can count on the teachers to help out in that department for the next nine or so months.  My bag of tricks is empty, and I’ve got nothing left up my sleeve.  It’s time for the reinforcements, baby.  Ring that damn tardy bell already!

**As a side note, don’t you wonder why all the moms in the cartoon up above have ENORMOUS knockers??!!

25 Things I Love About Summer

2008-05-01     Unfortunately, where we live, the summer goes by in the blink of an eye. Cold, gloomy weather dominates much of the year for us, so we try to soak up the summer sun as much as we possibly can for the short amount of time that it’s with us.  I’m starting to get sad that it’s already halfway over! There are SO many things I love about this time of year, so, now, I proudly present to you…25 THINGS I LOVE ABOUT SUMMER:

1.  Chilling at the beach with other moms while the kids all run around in a little wolf-pack the whole afternoon.

2.  Lazy mornings where we stay in our pj’s till almost lunchtime, simply because we can.

3.  Grilling out — doesn’t EVERYTHING just taste better when it’s grilled?!

4.  Being able to run pretty much any and all errands in nothing but my swimsuit and cover-up.

5.  Having the kids eat dinner on the patio so that the squirrels can clean up all the dropped crumbs for a change instead of me.

6.  Watching my kids entertain themselves for hours in the backyard with nothing but a broken tree branch.

7.  Lemonade stands and seeing all the little neighborhood entrepreneurs hard at work.

8.  Being able to go for a run outside without having to wear a thousand different layers for warmth.

9.  Knowing that those filthy dirty little piggies on my kids’ feet at night are the result of a helluva lot of fun.

10.  Going for ice cream and watching the chocolate drip down my kids’ happy faces.

11.  Bike rides to the park, even if they result in bloody knees and even more band-aids.

12.  Driving with the windows down in the car and watching my kids howl with laughter while the wind whips their hair.

13.  The peaceful sound of the locusts in all the big trees we have around our house.

14.  Finally seeing all our neighbors out and about, who are, like me, usually hibernating all winter long.

15.  Our Fourth of July party in the backyard — exhausting but tons o’ fun.

16.  Eating my hubby’s homemade guacamole and drinking margaritas.

17.  Less sickness and viruses among my kids — so nice to have a break from all that.

18.  Picnic lunches — pb&j’s for everyone (me included)!

19.  Summer camps — hey, mama needs a break sometimes!

20.  Watching my kids’ faces light up like crazy when they run into one of their teachers, who really do have lives outside of school, much to the delight/confusion of my kids.

21.  Longer visits at Grammy’s house — more QT together is always a bonus.

22.  Chasing after my kids through the beauty that is the Botanic Gardens.

23.  Fresh blueberries — my memory needs all the help it can get!

24.  Flip-flops!  Need I say more?!

25.  Spending as much time as possible with my kids before they’re all grown up right before my very own eyes.