A Shitty Day At The Beach

Yesterday was a day when I needed much more than just an IV of caffeine.  Hell, what I needed was more like a damn IV of margaritas!  Cause yesterday?  Well, yesterday was pretty freaking sucky.  Any time that sandy poo is part of a trip to the beach is a day that I’d rather just forget altogether.

When you see your child running toward you through the sand with brown water running down her leg, you can pretty much bet your ass that you’re about to have yourself a wreck of a mess on your hands.  Do you know how well sand and poo go together?  Yeah, they don’t.  Like, at all.  I won’t go into all the nitty gritty details, since I care deeply about the welfare of my readers, but trust me, it was nothing short of a gag-inducing experience, without a doubt.  By the time I finished cleaning up the crime scene, I wanted to either go home and call it a day or hit the nearest bar stool and go to mother effin’ town.  I played the “Good Mama” card, though, put aside my feelings of nausea and bitterness, and let my daughter enjoy some more fun in the sun with her friends.  Cause that’s how I roll, people.  That did not, however, stop my eyes from shooting extra pointy daggers toward those few lucky bitches who were peacefully reading their magazines in their beach chairs as their offspring played off in the distance.  I mean really, bitches, take your perfect little parenting techniques and shove ’em up straight up your tranquil little asses, ok?

So, given the state of my afternoon, you can probably imagine, then, how well a tweeted picture of my husband’s view of the Eiffel Tower went over at the end of the day.  He’s in one of the most awesome cities on earth (for business, but STILL!), while I’m stuck here scraping shit out from underneath my fingernails.  A little off-balance, wouldn’t ya say?  I forewarned him that further awesome photography shots would most likely result in the loss of someone’s balls.  I think he got the picture.  So, here’s hopin’ that today is a little less “shitty” than yesterday….


18 Responses

  1. I feel for you. That’s just awful. Sand & diapers generally don’t go together at all, so this must have been extra “special.”

    • Oh, it was “special” alright, as in “wheel Mama right up to the front entrance of the nuthouse” kind of special….

  2. Isn’t that how it always happens? We try to do more than what’s expected of us and it blows up in our faces. Or kids’ pants. Shitty.

  3. I am SOOOOOO sorry…I can relate though, because Elsa is still only 2 and I have to wipe smeared disgusting shit off of her ass at least once a day. To top it off it smells of rotting animal carcasses, which the doctor has assured me is perfectly normal for a child that eats so much fruits and veggies. I think he is a crackpot.

  4. ROFLMAO!!!! Okay, I had to laugh but only because it wasn’t me. I swear I would probably have dangerously high blood pressure if this happened to me. Yeah, explosive poopy & sand remind me of a dirty kitty-litter box. Ewwww!!!!

    I do hope your husband brings you back something wonderful from Paris for all the CRAP you go through day in and day out–Literally!

  5. Life is just peachy sometimes. I have been reading your blog for a while and with this last entry you have to go on my blog roll if that is ok?

    • I would be incredibly honored to go on your blogroll! I don’t have to sign my name in blood or show my boobs or anything for that kind of honor, do I? 😉

  6. This is why I am afraid of the beach. No joke, this is why we have not gone.

  7. Oh Honey- DAMN, DAMN!

    That’s rough..and to be on business is to be stuck in some of the shit hole arm pits of the earth I have to travel to where you fly into OK city and take a covered wagon 2 hours to get to a base..Paris on the other hand..I’ll take that business trip any day of the week and twice on Tuesday! Hubs has timing doesn’t he 😉

    I think you are the woMAN for not packing it up! Wash your hands and hang up your Super Mom cape 😉

  8. Wow… sounds like it just spun out of control for a bit there. The Eiffel Tower would have made me spin even worse.. All alone too?

    Here’s hoping today is much better!


  9. Ewwwww!!
    I can’t believe you stayed!
    This is one of those that you put in the old memory bank for when your daughter is a Mom & is thinking about getting you a flower pot for Mother’s Day.

  10. OMG! Believe it or not that happened to me on a 4th of July PACKED beach party!!! My daughter thought she was going to f@rt (sorely mistaken!!) dropped to the sand and proceeded to cover herself up to the waist to hide it. Only then to SCREAM for me to come help her.
    “Come heeeeere!”……
    “YOU come here!”……..
    “I CAN’T!!!!!” ……
    Oh for Pete’s sake. Trudge, trudge trudge….. 50+ yards later, tears, gagging, run to get a towel to wrap her in, shuffle to an already overcrowded ladies room (where by the way NOBODY gave us cuts!) swish, flush, repeat ad nauseum. Happy freaking 4th! What’s amazing to me is how the tiniest speck of sand will lodge itself into THE MOST INCONVENIENT PLACE and cause havoc and distress for the rest o the day!

    Now, 12 years later, she has graduated college and has very little memory of it, where I remember the suit she was wearing, the towel that I used and the faces of those women in the bathroom! I can only hope that when THEIR time comes, they get treated EXACTLY as they treated my daughter and I. We Moms are supposed to stick together!

  11. I swear those bitches reading magazines don’t have real kids. They must be non-waste-eliminating, never-fight robots!

  12. Hmm…so I take it that one is not supposed to treat the beach like a giant litterbox for one’s kids?


    There went My idea for the weekend…..

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