** There is no doubt that in a former life, our dog was a paper shredder.
** I will forever be a day late & a dollar behind.
** We put the “lazy” in our Lazy Susan, given that there’s no tellin’ what the hell you’ll find in there.
** Mornings? Can bite me.
** I need to start passing out chill pills to some of the parents at the soccer fields.
** Birds enjoy pooping on me.
** My son apparently no longer likes carrots, which brings the number of veggies he’ll eat to Z-E-R-O.
** Greasy little fingers always manage to leave their stamp on me.
** Sandy boobs are not my cup of tea.
** I will never pee in peace again.
** Sadly, people care more about Al & Tipper Gore separating than they do about global warming.
** I REALLY need to learn Spanish so I’ll know when my kids are conspiring to overthrow my throne.
** If you’re not turning right, you’ve got no business being in the right-hand lane at a stop light.
** Screw sexy — Justin needs to bring NAPPING back.
** I should’ve been the one who invented Silly Bands, dammit!
** I’m gonna need an extra-large stock of Valium when my daughter goes through puberty.
** Calgon REALLY needs to come and take me away.
** Despite what I might think, God does not give me more than I can handle.
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