A Shitty Day At The Beach

Yesterday was a day when I needed much more than just an IV of caffeine.  Hell, what I needed was more like a damn IV of margaritas!  Cause yesterday?  Well, yesterday was pretty freaking sucky.  Any time that sandy poo is part of a trip to the beach is a day that I’d rather just forget altogether.

When you see your child running toward you through the sand with brown water running down her leg, you can pretty much bet your ass that you’re about to have yourself a wreck of a mess on your hands.  Do you know how well sand and poo go together?  Yeah, they don’t.  Like, at all.  I won’t go into all the nitty gritty details, since I care deeply about the welfare of my readers, but trust me, it was nothing short of a gag-inducing experience, without a doubt.  By the time I finished cleaning up the crime scene, I wanted to either go home and call it a day or hit the nearest bar stool and go to mother effin’ town.  I played the “Good Mama” card, though, put aside my feelings of nausea and bitterness, and let my daughter enjoy some more fun in the sun with her friends.  Cause that’s how I roll, people.  That did not, however, stop my eyes from shooting extra pointy daggers toward those few lucky bitches who were peacefully reading their magazines in their beach chairs as their offspring played off in the distance.  I mean really, bitches, take your perfect little parenting techniques and shove ’em up straight up your tranquil little asses, ok?

So, given the state of my afternoon, you can probably imagine, then, how well a tweeted picture of my husband’s view of the Eiffel Tower went over at the end of the day.  He’s in one of the most awesome cities on earth (for business, but STILL!), while I’m stuck here scraping shit out from underneath my fingernails.  A little off-balance, wouldn’t ya say?  I forewarned him that further awesome photography shots would most likely result in the loss of someone’s balls.  I think he got the picture.  So, here’s hopin’ that today is a little less “shitty” than yesterday….

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Things I’ve Learned This Week

** I have amazing hand-eye coordination when it comes to catching puke.

** Twenty-two hours in a car can cause hallucinations.

** My son could very well be a rooster.

** Skinny jeans and yellow fudge cake ice cream do not go together.

** Kids lose their sense of hearing when on vacation.

** I am a freak magnet.

** My daughter has a stomach of steel, as was proven after eating yogurt from April of 2009.

** “Little Bee” by Chris Cleave is an amazing, can’t-put-it-down read.

** My last brain cell can still comprehend a whole book.

** Just because you’re wearing camouflage undies does not make it ok for you to drop trow in public.  (Unfortunately, my son did not learn this lesson.)

** My husband needs to enter sandcastle rehab.

** Dentures really freak out kids.  (A big thanks to the old couple at the pool for pointing this out.)

** Red velvet cake = total and complete mouthgasm.

** Church music should only be played in church.  Just sayin.

** My children love to announce their bowel movements to anyone within ear shot.

** Every afternoon should involve margaritas.

** Despite what I might think, God does not give me more than I can handle.

Sandcastles

When it comes to sandcastle building, my husband does NOT mess around.  In fact, he’s just downright anal about it.  It’s a whole friggin’ process that does not involve even the tiniest bit of silly business.  Any messing around, and you are out.  He’s even been known to fire his own damn children from his building crew.  I tend to just watch from a distance and snap pictures when instructed to do so.  (I also SUCK at building sandcastles, but that’s beside the point.)

He begins by clearing out a massive area for the foundation:

He then calls on any and all muscle power to help dig a moat around the entire perimeter:

Next comes the construction of the actual castle, which can be a delicate thing if the water starts to wash up on shore.  And if a certain someone decides to do running leaps through the fragile structure, well then, all hell breaks loose.

For instance, this poor dude was caught goofing off on the job and was temporarily kicked off the project half-way through its completion:

You will notice that he did NOT take the news lightly:

After a long and grueling hour of working in the sun and shooing away curious on-lookers, Hubby and his little helpers ended up with quite a masterpiece:

Sadly, though, the Gulf of Mexico ate it all up before the sun even went down.

A Little Slice of Heaven

Yesterday the hubby and the kids spent the afternoon with the Twins and the Pirates at a spring training game:

I, on the other hand, spent the afternoon lounging in the sun with my good friend, Jose:

It was a little slice of heaven, and I gobbled it right up.

Baring It All

     You know that saying, “Curiosity killed the cat?”  Well, I’m quite certain that phrase would apply to me if I ever did choose to throw caution to the wind and get naked with my bad self on a nude beach.  I must admit that deep-down I actually do have a desire to see what it’s like to lounge around in my birthday suit amongst the sea gulls and other beachgoers.  It just seems like it would be so liberating and refreshing, not to mention the awesome line-free tan I’d get as a result.  However, it would be just my luck that my sweet little moment of liberation would be completely pooped on by some unexpected outside force.

     I speak somewhat from experience when I say that I see this whole scenario playing out in a glass half-empty type of outcome.  You see, back in my pre-kids teaching days, I was lying on the beach one summer afternoon in my itsy bitsy teeny weeny bikini when I happened to see a group of students heading my way.  Considering that these boys, who were packing serious hormones in their pants, would, in fact, be occupying my classroom in just a few short weeks, I practically dug a hole and buried myself in the sand to avoid making eye-contact with them.  I could just picture the first week of school and having to stand up in front of these boys and expect them to take me seriously.  Thank God I’d grabbed my oversized beach towel that day so that I could roll up in it like a hot dog in a bun.  I was taking no chances.

     Regardless, though, I can’t help but be a little bit curious about stripping down all the way.  I know it would be just my fortune, however, that I’d end up like this poor woman my mom heard about from a patient at the dentist office where she works.  This lady, a teacher in the midwest, was on a cruise ship that happened to stop at a topless beach one day.  She figured what the hell and adapted to the “when in Rome” philosophy by whipping her top off. As she was lying there in all her unveiled glory, she suddenly heard a voice calling her name.  When she opened her eyes, she saw the parent of one of her students standing over the top of her and her bare boobs.  I’m pretty sure that she died right then and there of embarrassment, causing a ridiculously painful sunburn on her ariolas.  Can you even imagine the awkwardness of THAT parent/teacher conference?!

     That poor woman’s story is something that would totally happen to me.  You’ve read enough about all the stupid shit that happens to me to know that this is true.  However, the older I get, the less I care about what people think, so maybe I’ll just get crazy and streak the beach when we go down to visit my mother-in-law in Florida for spring break.  I may give an old-timer or two a heart-attack, but hey, it might just be worth that tiny burst of freedom, don’t ya think?

My Little Pisser

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      Wonders, especially my twins, never cease to amaze me.  I swear, just when I think I might have seen it all, my kids go and do something that once again makes me stop dead in my tracks. Yesterday at the beach, my daughter did something that made me contemplate whether anyone can truly know what goes on inside the mind of a six year old.  

     As I was chatting with the nannies of my kids’ friends down by the water, my kids decided they wanted to go up to the beach playground.  Typically, this has never proven to be a problem in the past.  They play tag, they dig holes, and they do what kids do. Apparently, though, my daughter decided to do something that I wasn’t aware that kids do.  I was in the middle of a conversation when one of my daughter’s friends came running back from the playground to report the big story of the day.  

     It’s become a common little game amongst our possy of six year olds to steal the Cubs’ baseball cap of this one little boy in particular. It then turns into a game of keep away, whereby everyone is trying to steal the hat and run.  The owner of this hat just so happens to be the boy that my daughter has declared is her boyfriend., and for reasons unbeknownst to me, my sweet little innocent daughter, took it upon herself to steal the hat and pee in the freaking thing!  Yes, you read that correctly, and your eyes are not deceiving you.  She took the hat and used it as her own personal toilet.  I mean, seriously, what the??!! As soon as I was finally able to wrap my mind around the story that my daughter’s friend had just reported, I stomped my way on up to the playground to have a word with my little cap pisser.

     When I called my daughter over to me, I was a little surprised to see that Cubs hat boy was following right along behind her.  I tried to focus my attention on my daughter and the reason for this insane behavior, but I was having a hard time not being distracted by the fact that the kid was still wearing the pee–soaked hat!!  I asked him if he had at least rinsed the thing, and he claimed that he did.  Still, though, I would be washing that thing on super wash in scalding hot water if it were me!  

     I made my daughter come and sit back on the towel for a time-out next to me.  I wasn’t really sure what type of punishment this type of incident even warranted.  I was so flabbergasted as to what on earth possessed my child to do such a thing. We most certainly do not make it a habit to pee in other people’s clothing in our household, so I don’t know exactly where she even got the idea in the first place.  I finally got her to admit to me that she thought it would be funny. Honestly, I was just speechless.  This is something that a freaking frat boy does, not something you’d expect to see a cute little kindergarten graduate demonstrating.  I’m quite sure that this was not in the owner’s manual that came with my babies when they were born.  

     Because the new puppy was the biggest piece of collateral I could think of at that moment, I warned her that this was her first major strike against her and the quest to bring a dog into the family.  Three strikes equal no dog.  She knows I’m extremely disappointed in her behavior, but I think the dog threat is my best bargaining tool at this point.  Truth be told, I have to just make this crap up as I go, because who wakes up and thinks to herself, “Hmmm…I wonder how I can punish my kid for pissing in someone’s hat today?”

25 Things I Love About Summer

2008-05-01     Unfortunately, where we live, the summer goes by in the blink of an eye. Cold, gloomy weather dominates much of the year for us, so we try to soak up the summer sun as much as we possibly can for the short amount of time that it’s with us.  I’m starting to get sad that it’s already halfway over! There are SO many things I love about this time of year, so, now, I proudly present to you…25 THINGS I LOVE ABOUT SUMMER:

1.  Chilling at the beach with other moms while the kids all run around in a little wolf-pack the whole afternoon.

2.  Lazy mornings where we stay in our pj’s till almost lunchtime, simply because we can.

3.  Grilling out — doesn’t EVERYTHING just taste better when it’s grilled?!

4.  Being able to run pretty much any and all errands in nothing but my swimsuit and cover-up.

5.  Having the kids eat dinner on the patio so that the squirrels can clean up all the dropped crumbs for a change instead of me.

6.  Watching my kids entertain themselves for hours in the backyard with nothing but a broken tree branch.

7.  Lemonade stands and seeing all the little neighborhood entrepreneurs hard at work.

8.  Being able to go for a run outside without having to wear a thousand different layers for warmth.

9.  Knowing that those filthy dirty little piggies on my kids’ feet at night are the result of a helluva lot of fun.

10.  Going for ice cream and watching the chocolate drip down my kids’ happy faces.

11.  Bike rides to the park, even if they result in bloody knees and even more band-aids.

12.  Driving with the windows down in the car and watching my kids howl with laughter while the wind whips their hair.

13.  The peaceful sound of the locusts in all the big trees we have around our house.

14.  Finally seeing all our neighbors out and about, who are, like me, usually hibernating all winter long.

15.  Our Fourth of July party in the backyard — exhausting but tons o’ fun.

16.  Eating my hubby’s homemade guacamole and drinking margaritas.

17.  Less sickness and viruses among my kids — so nice to have a break from all that.

18.  Picnic lunches — pb&j’s for everyone (me included)!

19.  Summer camps — hey, mama needs a break sometimes!

20.  Watching my kids’ faces light up like crazy when they run into one of their teachers, who really do have lives outside of school, much to the delight/confusion of my kids.

21.  Longer visits at Grammy’s house — more QT together is always a bonus.

22.  Chasing after my kids through the beauty that is the Botanic Gardens.

23.  Fresh blueberries — my memory needs all the help it can get!

24.  Flip-flops!  Need I say more?!

25.  Spending as much time as possible with my kids before they’re all grown up right before my very own eyes.