Things I’ve Learned This Week

** My body didn’t get the memo that I don’t do sick.

** I am not bringing sexy back.

** I’ve done so much blowing (of my nose) that I have a whole new appreciation for vacuum cleaners & hookers.

** Glitter glue should be outlawed.

** Taking a shower is A LOT of work.

** Brown paint spilled on the rug looks like smeared shit. (Ask the dog how I learned this.)

** The DMV is giving ANYBODY a license these days.

** Boogers do not dissolve in bath water (thanks, Daughter, for pointing this out.)

** Martha Stewart has WAY too much time on her hands. (Hello! The woman made chalk on Wednesday.)

** My son has changed his name to “Pepsi”.

** Our family room looks like a frat house, minus the keg (unfortunately).

** Big decisions shouldn’t be made under the influence of DayQuil.

** It’s best to use a hot pad when taking something out of the oven.

** Facebook thinks I need dating advice. WTF?!

** The early bird doesn’t even come close to catching the damn worm.

** I really need to become friends with a sushi chef.

** A ninety year old man with no teeth could eat faster than my son.

** Dark chocolate brightens up any old lunch.

** I need to make a mental note to make more mental notes.

** The dog is just like Kathy Lee Gifford — loves to hear himself bark.

** Automated phone systems make fire shoot out my ears.

** Our pantry’s organization (or lack thereof) is hazardous to the health of anyone who opens its door.

** My kids are allergic to sleep.

** Despite what I might think, God does not give me more than I can handle.

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28 Responses

  1. THANKS FOR MY MORNING LAUGH, I hope you feel better!! sounds like a rough week

  2. So funny!!!!

  3. When you become friends with that sushi chef, send them my way too! XOXO Have a great weekend!!

  4. You’re hysterical! Of course, with your blog name, you would have to be. So glad to find you, thanks to ParentingByDummies.

    • Thank you & thanks for checking me out! I hope to keep you coming back for more nucking futty fun! πŸ˜‰

  5. Those were great……my body didn’t get the memo this week either. I think ALL those memo’s just somehow get overlooked. I can only assume germs don’t read memo’s!

  6. OMG! This is so funny!!!

    Just so you know, I learned that peanut butter cookie sandwiches do make a good lunch when on jury duty.

    • I think peanut butter cookie sandwiches would make any meal a delicious one & poor you for getting stuck with jury duty. 😦 Don’t spend your whopping $17 all in one place! πŸ˜‰

  7. Funny, funny – thanks for the reality check – and what do you know – my kids are allergic to sleep too! And I hear you on the dark chocolate too! I hope you are feeling better in time for the weekend!

    • So, do you think this kid allergy to sleep is some kind of pandemic? Should we alert the media? Or just drug them? If you figure out the answer, you let me know, ok? Thanks for reading! πŸ™‚

  8. I knew there was a reason why I didn’t shower this week. Hilarious.

  9. The thing I learned this week? That I really, really need to start wearing a bra to school drop off/pickup. Because you will never know when the tweens (male) teacher will be waiting to pop his head in to your window say hello.
    Loved your post. πŸ™‚

    • Haha! I love your bra-less moment with the male teacher! That is hilarious! I bet your kids get a good grade on their report cards! πŸ˜‰

  10. This is always my favorite post of the week (of yours, that is.)

    I too learned about the difficulty of showering (and thats a double doozy under the influence of dayquil.)

    Thank you too for the reminder that God will not give me more than I can handle. I secretly think he likes testing my faith, however.

    • I’m so glad you like these Friday “Things I’ve Learned This Week” posts! They’re really fun & make me hear the Rocky theme song in my head when I think about how the hell I survived another week. πŸ™‚

  11. I just look passed out in the picture! I was actually just stretching out before Yoga. It’s a difficult stretching technique. Only the really advanced Yoga-ists should try it!

  12. Along with glitter glue, let’s add PLAY DOUGH to that things-that-should-be-illegal list.

    My kids don’t play with it any more (thank the gods!) but walking by it in the toy aisle at Walmart still gives me a nervous twitch.

    • Totally agree about the Play-doh — that stuff is evil. I’ve banned it from the inside of our house.

  13. Facebook asked if I wanted to date fifty plus men- I thought they meant all at the same time, I was all atwitter until I realized it was a crack about my age. Bitches, what do they know.

  14. In addition to glitter glue, play-doh should be outlawed. I hate that stuff. It gets everywhere.
    Oh my gosh, I just looked up at the other comments and see Mona is on the same page as me. Clearly, great minds think alike.

  15. The answer to children with sleep allergies is bendadryl. πŸ™‚

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