Things I’ve Learned This Week

** I can light a grill without burning off my eyebrows.

** Chocolate carmel pecan Easter eggs are not safe in this house, even if they’re the size of Texas.

** The dog likes to drink beer.

** Fruit Roll-Ups are to teeth what water is to the Wicked Witch of the West.

** OPI’s “Privacy Please” is a super cool, very natural-looking nail polish color.

** I need a vacation.

** My children should win a medal for their nighttime tip-toeing abilities.

** We should never watch porn before 10 p.m.

** I can sleep with my eyes open.

** The theme for Thursdays is apparently “Drive Like A Jackass Day.”

** I could be lying on the family room floor bleeding to death & no one in my family would notice.

** Little shit-covered Hello Kitty underwear still smell like ass even after they’ve been shoved in a dirty clothes hamper for 2 days. (If only my daughter had learned this as well….)

** I need a vacation.

** “Dancing With the Stars” reminds me of “The Lawrence Welk Show” with sluttier outfits.

** Why just get a Grande when I can get a Venti?

** A polygon is a dead parrot. Β (Props to my son, the comedian, for that one.)

** The devil horns pop out of my children’s heads at approximately 7:02 every night.

** Allergies are trying to make the Nucking Futs family swim with the fishes.

** I really need to reiterate the “dump & flush” rule in this house.

** Joe Biden likes to drop the F-bomb whenever possible.

** Did I mention that I need a vacation?

** My family’s trying like hell to get us on an episode of “Hoarders.”

** I am asked 788,946 questions every day.

** Despite what I might think, God does not give me more than I can handle.

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21 Responses

  1. polgon is a dead parrot ! lmao!!! you and me both re vacation:) and the horns comes out on my normally sweet adorable almost 5 yo at exactly 7:59 πŸ˜€

    • Nighttime is NOT the right time when kiddos are involved. Hate those damn bewitching hours. Talk about driving a person to drink!

  2. Hope your Spring Break is just the sort of multi-fabulous vacay that you need!

    You should round the questions up to 800,000….I’m sure you’re forgetting when they didn’t listen the 1st time & ask you: “Huh?”

    • You’re right — I try to block out those “Huh?” questions as much as possible. πŸ˜‰

  3. This is very theraputic think every parent should do this to reflect of their lives however it may drive some to depression or to their zoloft

  4. loved the underwear. can also add wiping boogers on the wall beside the toilet. come one there’s toilet paper if you just turn the other way

  5. love it! and absolutey dig the photo!

    • A clown car could not more accurately describe the phenomenon of that woman’s uterus/vagina.

  6. Love the photo! How that woman has a uterus or her vagina doesnt “clap:” when she walks is beyond me!!!

    • She’s a true freak of nature. What I don’t get is how the hell she ever has time to have sex???

  7. That is my favorite picture, seriously, you may have learned some things this week, she has still not discovered birth control.

  8. ** My children should win a medal for their nighttime tip-toeing abilities.

    ** We should never watch porn before 10 p.m.

    F*CKING HILARIOUS!!!

  9. I love you. That is all.

  10. I feel you on the horns coming out. and i definitely need a vacation. My kids horns come out at exactly 6 pm and stay out till they are asleep.

  11. Hello there, Happy Easter 2010!

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