** My body didn’t get the memo that I don’t do sick.
** I am not bringing sexy back.
** I’ve done so much blowing (of my nose) that I have a whole new appreciation for vacuum cleaners & hookers.
** Glitter glue should be outlawed.
** Taking a shower is A LOT of work.
** Brown paint spilled on the rug looks like smeared shit. (Ask the dog how I learned this.)
** The DMV is giving ANYBODY a license these days.
** Boogers do not dissolve in bath water (thanks, Daughter, for pointing this out.)
** Martha Stewart has WAY too much time on her hands. (Hello! The woman made chalk on Wednesday.)
** My son has changed his name to “Pepsi”.
** Our family room looks like a frat house, minus the keg (unfortunately).
** Big decisions shouldn’t be made under the influence of DayQuil.
** It’s best to use a hot pad when taking something out of the oven.
** Facebook thinks I need dating advice. WTF?!
** The early bird doesn’t even come close to catching the damn worm.
** I really need to become friends with a sushi chef.
** A ninety year old man with no teeth could eat faster than my son.
** Dark chocolate brightens up any old lunch.
** I need to make a mental note to make more mental notes.
** The dog is just like Kathy Lee Gifford — loves to hear himself bark.
** Automated phone systems make fire shoot out my ears.
** Our pantry’s organization (or lack thereof) is hazardous to the health of anyone who opens its door.
** My kids are allergic to sleep.
** Despite what I might think, God does not give me more than I can handle.