** A splinter in your bra does not make for happy boobs.
** The inventor of summer camp deserves the Nobel Peace Prize.
** There’s a reason for that whole “dog chewing the slippers” stereotype. Just ask my Uggs.
** Single parents are the hardest working people on the planet.
** “The Today Show” REALLY needs to stop showing that woman who was mauled by a chimpanzee, especially at breakfast time. Ick.
** My children plot their shits to occur at precisely the time I begin to eat a meal.
** Tortilla chips and yogurt do not make for a very satisfying dinner.
** Boxing is a rockin’ good time of a workout.
** Digging through a bin of thongs that are on sale gives me the willies.
** If there is a spider web, I will be sure to walk straight into it.
** I need a massaging chair in my family room.
** If it smells like poop, it probably IS poop.
** A full roll of Scotch tape does not stand a chance in this house.
** I can’t help it — I’m still intrigued by the weirdness that was Michael Jackson.
** My kids wanna party like rock stars at approximately 8:55 p.m. every frickin’ night.
** Our pet fish is trying to commit suicide.
** I would NEVER wait in line for hours for ANYTHING, much less a damn cellphone.
** My husband knows what’s good for him — he chose ME over technology!
** Withholding sex works like a charm.
** “Toy Story 3” is one of the best movies I’ve seen in a really long time.
** Mornings? Can suck it.
** Despite what I might think, God does not give me more than I can handle.
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