Things I’ve Learned This Week

** A splinter in your bra does not make for happy boobs.

** The inventor of summer camp deserves the Nobel Peace Prize.

** There’s a reason for that whole “dog chewing the slippers” stereotype.  Just ask my Uggs.

** Single parents are the hardest working people on the planet.

** “The Today Show” REALLY needs to stop showing that woman who was mauled by a chimpanzee, especially at breakfast time.  Ick.

** My children plot their shits to occur at precisely the time I begin to eat a meal.

** Tortilla chips and yogurt do not make for a very satisfying dinner.

** Boxing is a rockin’ good time of a workout.

** Digging through a bin of thongs that are on sale gives me the willies.

** If there is a spider web, I will be sure to walk straight into it.

** I need a massaging chair in my family room.

** If it smells like poop, it probably IS poop.

** A full roll of Scotch tape does not stand a chance in this house.

** I can’t help it — I’m still intrigued by the weirdness that was Michael Jackson.

** My kids wanna party like rock stars at approximately 8:55 p.m. every frickin’ night.

** Our pet fish is trying to commit suicide.

** I would NEVER wait in line for hours for ANYTHING, much less a damn cellphone.

** My husband knows what’s good for him — he chose ME over technology!

** Withholding sex works like a charm.

** “Toy Story 3” is one of the best movies I’ve seen in a really long time.

** Mornings?  Can suck it.

** Despite what I might think, God does not give me more than I can handle.



16 Responses

  1. Saw Toy Story 3 last night and laughed so hard I cried. Did you see us on the Plaza at the Today Show on Monday? We ran into Matt Lauer on the street leavingthe studio and got the girls’ picture with him. Very nice guy!

    • Did you really??!! That is so cool! Matt seems like he’d be a really nice dude. Sounds like a fun trip! Don’t you just love NYC?!

  2. I forgot to tell you-after you posted about your daughter’s question about the milk, I wanted to tell you about this gem: pulling into the driveway of my son’s school, about 45 seconds from stepping out of the car: “Dad, I know girls have eggs inside of them. What do boys have?”

  3. * Spinning always puts me in a good mood
    * Laundry does not get done by itself
    * My children are batman and spiderman

    great post!

  4. 8:55 for child partying is not that bad. my baby boy will not come close to closing his eyes till midnight. then up for a feeding at 3. this makes for a very unhappy mama.

  5. What I’ve learned this week? How funny you are! Thanks for the laugh 🙂

  6. You have a scotch tape black hole too? I don’t seem to be able to keep enough of it around. I even bring it into the house after the children have gone to bed and they KNOW in the morning… I don’t know how but they KNOW!!

    Bless ’em they are cute, tape hogs but cute!


  7. – Soap powder is the alternative food of choice for toddlers who don’t like my catering.

    – Toddlers can be surprisingly accurate with a hose.

    – My children do their best to make a liar of me. Hubby was picking strawberries and was concerned that our 1yo would eat them. No worries said I, she won’t eat strawberries. I return 5 mins later to find her shoving in strawberries as fast as her chubby little hands would do it! My husband just raised his eyebrows at me and kept picking.


  8. Um. Question. How do you get splinters in your bra? It being summer, I can safely assume you aren’t out in the back chopping wood for the fireplace. So I imagine, there’s a really, really great story behind the splinter in the bra. Or is this some female thing that I am incapable of understanding. I can’t recall my wife ever complaining about a splinter in her bra. If she did, I know somehow, I’d get blamed for it. 🙂

  9. I love your “Things I’ve learned this week”. They always keep me smiling.

  10. I cannot believe they still show the chimp attack woman. There should be an expiration date on the length of publicity those things receive…

  11. ROFL about your fish! And withholding sex does not work here, just makes my hubby a bigger ass. Then he starts talking and plotting like he’s gonna go to the red light district!

  12. first—i am watching 20/20 right now about MJ.

    second–my children not only poop during breakfast, but at the same time, so this means i must get up from my meal to help wipe 2 bottoms. lovely. who knew twins had simultaneous poopage?

    third–why do my kids love tape so much?

    what I learned this week:

    that I can make my own croutons for a fraction of what they cost when i buy them at the store.

    that i say, “can we please not start the day this way?” every nucking futs morning

    that clearly my dr needs to up my Wellbutrin dosage

    that Jillian Michaels is a bitch, but damn she fine and I wanna look like her.

    that my husband liked me better blonder. i went back to brunette this week and he didn’t have anything to say.

    that breakfast for dinner is awesome.

    that weeds are just like grey hairs; the more you get rid of them, the more they come back, and with a vengeance.

  13. – My Little Man’s limit for car rides is 9 hours.
    – Mine? Is 8.

  14. That sometimes waking up when the early bird first comes’a knockin you can get a lot done if you don’t roll over.

  15. Funny post, but I have to wonder how you got a splinter in your bra!

    And, it’s like you are living in my house!

    Along with tape, glue sticks also don’t survive long.

    My children always ask me to wipe their butts when I sit down to eat.

    Laundry piles are like a big plate of nachos. You keep working at it, but it doesn’t seem to get smaller.

    Getting to take a shower is not as easy as husbands think it is!

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