Parenthood 101

     

Parenthood has opened my eyes to a whole new world that I wouldn’t otherwise have seen.  It’s made me realize that I should make time to appreciate the little things in life.  Here are just a few of the many, many things that motherhood has taught me:    

1.  I used to totally take for granted the sublime pleasure of sitting on a toilet all by myself.

2.  I would rather sleep an extra ten minutes than run a brush through my hair.

3.  Old candy at the bottom of my purse makes the waiting room of a doctor’s office a lot more bearable.

4.  Lice scares the living shit out of me.

5.  The staircase is for storing random crap, not for traveling from the first floor to the second.

6.  Happy Meals make everything better.

7.  Kids like to eat boogers.

8.  Cardboard boxes are so much better than toys.

9.  It’s a VACATION if you go away without your kids; it’s a TRIP if it’s the whole family.

10.  I am a human coat rack.

11.  An excursion to Chuck E. Cheese must be accompanied with vodka and/or valium.

12.  The three letter word I hate more than anything is “WHY“.

13.  The later I stay up at night, the earlier the kids get up in the morning.

14.  The 5:00 hour is no longer HAPPY.

15.  Caffeine is my life source.

16.  Chicken nuggets are way cooler when they’re shaped like dinosaurs.

17.  Playdoh is my enemy.

18.  I don’t get paid enough to do this job.

19.  A crayon drawing is much more special than a Monet.

20.  The dryer likes to eat socks.

21.  I will never see the floor of my car again.

22.  All kids suck at washing their hands.

23.  Homework is going to be the death of me.

24.  Spongebob Squarepants is an asswipe.

25.  I love my kids so much that my heart literally hurts sometimes.

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15 Responses

  1. Yep, that about summed it up for me, but fear not! Things do get better and you’ll miss these days! You WILL see the floor of your car, Spongebob gets replaced with god knows what tv celeb at the moment, they will continue to eat boogers and Happy Meals, you still won’t be able to talk on the phone or go to the toilet uninterrupted and the homework situation doesn’t end til they graduate!

    Persevere my friend, persevere!

    • That’s the ironic thing — all these annoyingly gray hair-inducing things will one day make me ache cause I miss them so much.

  2. You left off the worst phrase ever “Watch this!” … it will either be repeated 2,976 times for the same event or it will end in a trip to the Emergency Room!
    I wholeheartedly agree with all the rest … especially number 25!

    • Oh shit, that’s right — “Mommy, watch this!” is uttered countless times a day around here too. Drives me nucking futty every time I hear it!

  3. I have also learned this week that cans are much better than legos, lincoln logs or blocks. Who knew?

  4. i could not agree with any of these more. seriously. you just summed up my life.

  5. With 4 kids, I’ve learned it gets easier and then harder and then easier and then harder and then just when it gets easier, it becomes even more difficult. Drinking doesn’t help…they’re not old enough! They’re 19, 17, 15 and 13 and each day is still different from any day in the past 20 years.

    I will also agree that lice is a terrible, gut-wrenching, disgusting and painful experience. Why oh why doesn’t some nuclear scientist, human genome giant, pharmaceutical rep, or late-night TV soap seller come up with a product that will end this nightmare for parents and kids and school nurses alike?

    • I, too, cannot for the life of me understand why someone somewhere hasn’t come up with a be-all, end-all solution to rid those stupid little nasty bugs once and for all. In the meantime though, I spray the hell out of my kids hair every morning before they leave w/this stuff called “Boo” that has tea tree oil in it, which repels lice. I’m not taking any chances! Good to hear you’re surviving 4 kids — bless your heart for that! I don’t think I’ve got it in me to be in charge of more than 2. I’d either be drunk in a ditch or checked into the looney bin for sure! 😉

  6. I’ve decided that you are a hard-core Erma Bombeck and this list better end up in the book you are sure to write soon. 🙂

    • Thanks, Dolli! You are too too kind! I would love to have a book published some day — hopefully, that’ll be a dream come true one of these days. 🙂

  7. I could not agree more with this entire list!

  8. See you could be a teacher, this could be a basic course on parenting at the city colleges! I love it, they are so true! I included them in my Sunday Funnies: http://tinyurl.com/y9mwgjb

    • U are awesome! Thanks so much for including me in your Sunday Funnies (I absolutely LOVE that idea!) And btw, if I did teach at the city colleges, I’m afraid no one would ever want to become a parent! 🙂

  9. I can’t believe I am just now finding your blog. Everything you write about is exactly how I feel and think. You have inspired me to share my feelings and thoughts with my children 🙂

    • Well, I’m so glad you found me! I hope to have peaked your interest enough to come back & visit me on a regular basis! 🙂

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