The Shitstorm

     Do you have any idea what it’s like for your nose to be used and abused by the overwhelming smell of shit when you walk in the door of your house? Well, I sure do! Last night the kids and I arrived home from their ice skating lessons to find that our entire house had the stank of a massive pile of steaming dung.  This was just awesome timing, too, since we still needed to do homework and eat dinner.  A thousand obscenities danced on the end of my tongue as I approached the disaster area.  My observant daughter must’ve sensed my irritation because she immediately said, “Mommy, you can’t get mad at Wrigley if he pooped in his crate cause you know he’d only do that if it was a real accident.”  Little did I know that it was WAY more than just a LITTLE accident.

     When we walked into the family room, we could see that the dog was going bat crazy in his crate and was absolutely covered from head to toe in his own crap.  The stench was so bad that I actually had to talk myself into not throwing up.  Nonetheless, I knew that I somehow needed to get this forty pound shit-beast upstairs and into our shower to hose him down.  (Did I mention that I have a bad back?)  So, I hoisted the wriggling furball into my arms and carried his nasty ass all the way up to the second floor, all the while holding my breath to avoid the smell.  I rinsed and rinsed and rinsed the bazillion clumps of shit out of his hair and washed him no less than five hundred times with handful after handful of doggy shampoo.  My eager to please daughter stood right by my side trying to calm the dog down, when in fact, all she was doing was getting him even more riled up.  (Have you ever noticed that your kids become even MORE annoying during stressful situations?)

     When we tried to dry him off, he became extremely agitated and starting freaking the eff out trying to get out of the bathroom.  Then, all of a sudden out of nowhere, he started shitting all over the tile floor and all over my cream-colored rugs.  My daughter tried with all her might to hold the dog so he didn’t step in the mess as I scooped up the rugs and attempted to clean the floor.  (Seriously, why do these things ALWAYS happen to me?!)  I somehow managed to drag him by the collar back down the stairs and out onto the back deck so I could tackle the shitstorm that had hit my house.  Not only did I have the bathroom to clean up, but I also had to fumigate the damn crate.  

     I’ll spare you the dirty details of just how bad of shape the crate was in, but trust me when I tell you that it was everything I could do to keep my stomach from turning itself inside out.  Thank God my hubby came home in time to help clean it out, so I finally could deal with the kids.  (Cause cooking food was EXACTLY what I wanted to be doing at that point.)  I swear I think my son was completely unaware of the tornado of activity that was going on around him the whole time as he stood there lost in his own world, happily playing the Wii. (Thanks for all the help, kiddo.)  I have no earthly idea what led to the dog’s explosive ass bombs either, but the only thing we could figure is that he ate something that wasn’t meant to be eaten in the backyard.  After all, he is part goat.  As I laid in bed last night, I had a little talk with God, and he assured me that the rest of the week is gonna be much better.  He also told me to get a butt plug for the dog.


13 Responses

  1. Must make you long for the times when you only had to deal with explosive diarrhea up the back of a cute little baby.

  2. Oh NO!!! Am totally sympathizing with you! ~Susan

  3. OMG! That STINKS (non pun intended…well kinda)

    Makes me happy that all I had to do is wrestle the dang dog to get ear drops in his ears last night and I was pissed about that but I would happily deal with that over what you had to deal with.

  4. Something to remember when I think I’m having a sh*t day!!!!!

    Thank you so much for making me feel better about the measly little grass- and hair-ball bombs our cats deposit in the middle of the night in precisely the path my husband takes to get to the bathroom.

  5. OH NO!! The terror stories with this dog do not stop. Thinking of your and your pooper (aka Wrigley).

  6. ROFL seiously, that’s the first laugh I think I had all day and makes me think my day still sucked, but at least it didn’t smell like shit too. Poor dog! Poor you. Love the pic of dog sweeping up own crap. Hysterical!

  7. Been there, done that. You have all my sympathy. All of our dogs have had explosive diarrhea at one time or another. Nothing is more nasty than what comes out of the ass end of a dog.

    Check with your vet, but ours told us we could give our dogs Pepto Bismol when this happens. It has really saved us a few times.

  8. You might just have put me off having a dog. It’s bad enough having cats but they at least are totally clean and independent! They even beg to go outside!

    We have a similar battle every day walking to school. The school is on the other side of the woods which surround our house. Of course, the woods is also a favoured walking area for those with dogs. Several of them tho’ are not awfully particular about picking up their dog crap, so it makes for lovely traps for little feet trudging their way to school. One day, an unsuspecting child took it into class with them, smeared it all over the carpet and then several other children sat in it.
    Wasn’t that a nice sharing thing to do …

  9. LMAO- only you could make it funny- I would still be mad and irritable- the sun better shine all over you tomorrow:))

  10. Oh my gosh that sounds awful and disgusting. I’d be puking my guts up. Hope yOur dog and your bathroom linens are doing better.

  11. Oh jesus you will not belief this. My stupid kitten actually farted on my ankle!? I mean what’s the matter with that!? I nourish that thing and I get this in return. I still can not belief this. Anyway, you have a number of useful facts there in your posting. I knew Yahoo could bring me to a few interesting stuff today :). O . k . should search for this pet now! Have a good day you all!

  12. Hi – really good site you have created. I enjoyed reading this posting. I did want to publish a remark to tell you that the design of this site is very aesthetically sweet. I used to be a graphic designer, now I am a copy editor in chief for a marketing firm. I have always enjoyed playing with information processing systems and am attempting to learn code in my free time (which there is never enough of lol).

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