The Big Talk At Bloomie’s

     Throughout the past year, my kids have really started to notice the tampon machines in public restrooms.  Luckily, I’ve been able to dodge the inevitable questions that have arisen from the sight of such machines, since I’ve never really wanted to get into such an in-depth conversation amongst complete strangers who are taking a dump. However, it all came to a head this past Friday when I could no longer successfully change the subject, and I found myself discussing ovaries in the china department of Bloomingdale’s. 

     The whole concept of menstruation itself is a completely foreign concept to my twins because I do not have periods anymore.  (I had to have an emergency hysterectomy shortly after my kids were born, due to post-delivery complications.)  They’ve never seen Tampax boxes in my bathroom cabinet, so they have no earthly clue what they even are.  In fact, my son has often thought that the feminine hygiene machines in public bathrooms were vending machines and has even asked me for a quarter on more than one occasion to get some candy.  So, you can see then how easy it’s been for me to just wave these machines off as “things that ladies need”.

     However, last week, my son would not let the issue go when we had to make a pit stop while browsing through Bloomie’s.  He continued to pry, even prompting my daughter to jump on the inquisition train.  Their little brain wheels were just spinning way too fast for me to keep up with, so I decided to bite the bullet and tell them about periods.  I tried to keep my language as very basic as possible, explaining that this is something that only happens to women once a month and not men.  My daughter asked a bazillion follow-up questions, while my son put on his typical “I’m gonna space out and pretend like I’m listening” face that he learned so well from his father. My daughter wanted to know why I never used those “tampon thingies“, so I then had to go into a whole dumbed-down explanation of hysterectomies as we strolled through the fine china department toward the “DOWN” escalator.  Never in a million years did I think I’d be defining the purposes of the female reproductive system in the most breakable section of a damn department store.  Talk about a metaphor for a delicate situation!

     When it was all said and done, I asked if they had any other questions.  And you wanna know the only thing my typical little male got out of that whole flipping conversation?   He said to me, “So, none of that stuff’s gonna happen to me cause I’m a boy, right?”  I wanted to spit fire right then and there.  Men, they always get off so freaking easy.