Ten Things That Make Me Happy

So you may or may not know that I generally HATE it when people send me chain letters that I’m supposed to forward on to ten people immediately or suffer the lightning bolt that’s sure to strike me down. I mean, for shit’s sakes, I already have enough to worry about without wondering when God’s gonna plow me over with a fleet of semis when I least expect it! However, I was recently “tagged” by my friend @jterzieff on Twitter to share ten things that make me happy, and I was surprisingly interested in playing along. So, here goes:

1. A clean house — Lame? Perhaps, but you have to understand that my house is truly clean maybe twice a month and that’s as soon as my cleaning ladies shut the door behind them. The floors are sparkly, the toilet seats are free of piss splatters, I can actually see my kitchen countertops, and everybody’s crap is shoved into their perspective corners. All is right with the world…at least until the dog chews up the rug, the hubby piles up six pairs of shoes in the foyer, and the kids shoot Nerf bullets all over the damn dining room.

2. A prompt Thursday delivery of my Us magazine — So, yeah, maybe I don’t always know the state of the union or how much the Dow rose, but by gosh, I can certainly tell you “Who Wore It Best” on most weekends if my stinkin’ magazine arrives in a timely fashion. And since my children prevent me from EVER finishing a frickin’ article in one sitting, it tends to take me at least an entire weekend to get through an issue. So, a Thursday arrival is totally key.

3. Sleeping in when it rains — Ok, so maybe this is just a pipe dream of mine since we all know that being a parent makes it impossible to EVER sleep in, whether it’s raining or not, but the tiny sliver of memory that I do still have left in my brain tells me that this once made me VERY happy.

4. Wine — Settle down now. There’s no need to go contacting that A&E “Intervention” show or anything. I just so happen to totally dig smashed grapes, so sue me. I have a feeling that in another life I lived on a vineyard.

5. Holding my kids’ hands — I know that soon enough they’re gonna be ordering me to pick them up a mile away to avoid being seen with me, so I cherish every single moment that I get to nestle their little hands in mine. Pure and simple bliss.

6. A parking meter with time still left on it — It’s a total pain in the ass to dig through my black hole of a purse to try and locate some spare change among all the damn Legos, Polly Pockets, and granola bars, so finding a meter that has a spare ten minutes on it is like barely making a green light for this lady.

7. Working out — Breaking a sweat is both physically and mentally good for me. It’s either that or I’m forced to open up a can of Whoop Ass on the entire world around me, and I just really don’t think the neighbors would go for that.

8. Professional massages — When I don’t have to bribe my kids with a quarter to rub my back or nudge my nodding off hubby to knead my aching shoulders, it’s all good in the hood. Hell, I don’t even need a flippin’ happy ending or anything — I just need someone to stay awake while they’re rubbing me down.

9. “Modern Family” — Don’t tell me you haven’t seen this show! It’s absolutely hysterical! And there really aren’t that many funny sitcoms left on t.v. these days, in my opinion, so finding one that has SUCH good writing is like coming across a diamond in the rough. Life is a whole lot more bearable if you can laugh your way through it.

10. Finishing this list — My brain is tired, people! Too much thinking can be dangerous to your health — at least to mine anyway.

** I’m supposed to pass this on to ten other bloggers who I think will play along, which I’m hesitant to do since I’m not a big fan of death threats. That being said, here are just a few who I hope will humor me (or at least go easy on me when they kill me):

Why Is Daddy Crying

Hoo-dee-Hoo

Sex and the Single Dad

Angry Working Mom

Loulou’s Views

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Rainy Day Rant

     Rainy+Day

     Today is one of those wet, dreary days when you just wanna crawl back in bed with a good book.  Sadly, I haven’t done that for almost seven years now.  Instead, I had to make my fifteen thousandth pit stop this week at the grocery store.  And as if going to the grocery store in the rain wasn’t bad enough in and of itself, I had the misfortune of coming across two other irritating issues that bug the absolute hell out of me and make me want to succumb to online shopping forever more.

     As much as I practically live at the freaking grocery, I really think I have earned VIP parking status, and, therefore, should have a front row parking space in my Nucking Futs name.  But, because the world is full of unfairness, I had to park ridiculously far from the door and walk my ass through the pouring down rain.  As I was getting out of my car, I noticed that some lazy son of a bitch had left their shopping cart right in front of the car next to me.  I don’t know about you, but this is something that just boils my blood.  The damn cart corral was a mere 15 feet away, yet some slacker idiot couldn’t muster up the energy to walk it over there.  They decided to leave it for the wind to ram right into some poor sap’s car door. How thoughtful of them.  I decided to put on my good citizen’s hat and return it to the corral myself on the way into the store.  

grocery-carts-2

 

     After I grabbed all the crap I needed to buy, I made my way to a checkout lane, where piss-off issue number two reared its ugly head in my direction.  The cashier asked me, “Do you want to make a contribution to breast cancer research today?” Now, mind you, I have already made a donation to breast cancer research earlier this month, so I am all about finding a cure.  However, I am sick and tired of being harassed to donate to this or that cause EVERY stinkin’ time I go to the grocery store! Every single day of every single week somebody’s trying to wrangle more money out of me.  And if you say, “No thank you, not today,” they give you the raised eyebrows with a small shake of the head as if to say, “You are a selfish bitch, lady.”  Believe you me, I have donated to plenty of causes throughout the year on my own free will.  I just personally don’t like to have it shoved in my face week after week — it’s overkill and could potentially make people bitter about giving to charitable causes.  

     As I made my way back through the downpour and got into my car, I noticed a fluffed up little bird who was hiding out under the car next to me.  I was so aggravated that I actually thought about joining him.  He seemed to have the right idea just tucking himself away from the rest of the messy, outside world.  Knowing my luck, though, the car would back up right over me and turn me into parking lot roadkill.

Just My Luck

So, I guess I’m not the only one having a crappy start to the day. After dropping the kids off at school, I had to swing by Walgreen’s to pick up pictures from the birthday party this weekend.  As has been the case for the past three days, it is nasty, cold and rainy outside.  I pulled into the parking lot, calmly parked my car, and grabbed my umbrella.  As I was getting out of the car, this hateful woman across the parking lot started screaming at me that I had purposely sped up when I saw her walking and had splashed muddy water all over her pants.  I actually turned around to see what poor sap she was bitching at because it clearly couldn’t be me.  I didn’t purposely do anything — my mind is too fixated on all those damn things on my “to do” list. Turns out, though, that it WAS me that was the cause of her fury. This crazy lady was pissed beyond belief.  I think I may have even seen flames of fire shoot out her nostrils.  I apologized and told her I didn’t see her, but she wouldn’t let it go.  She said I wasn’t sorry and that I meant to get her dirty.  Yes, that’s right, #225 on my “to do” list today was to get someone dirty!  How did she know??!!  As she stormed off, I stood there bewildered that someone would actually choose to wear light khaki pants on a mess of a day like today.  And, last time I checked, puddles usually do accompany three straight days of rain.  Who the hell was she to bitch me out for her own stupidity? Unfortunately for me though, it turns out that she apparently works at this Walgreen’s, which is just great because she saw me go to the photo counter to pick up my pictures. Now the crackpot has my name, address and phone number for future reference.  Awesome.  Just my luck.

mban33l