Parking Lot Throwdown


     Unfortunately, this time of the year tends to bring out the bitchiness in most people.  Everybody’s in a hurry, and nobody’s willing to wait.  Just try going to a mall parking lot on any given weekend during the month of December, and you might find yourself begging your doctor for some Xanax.  Locating and securing a parking place then is like striking gold, and you better flip that freakin’ turn signal on fast if you think you’re getting a spot.  It’s do or die, snooze, and you lose.  I experienced this exact same parking predicament back when I was pregnant with my twins. I’m telling you, mix some very limited parking with some raging hormones, and you’ve got yourself one molotov cocktail.

     When I was walking around all knocked up six and a half years ago, we didn’t have the luxury of “Expectant Mother” parking spaces like they do now days.  Back then, you had to buck up and stake out a space just like all the other peeps out there.  On this one particular Christmas shopping excursion, my hubby was adamant that he was going to get a spot close to the mall so I wouldn’t have to waddle my fat ass very far.  And so, we sat, and we waited, and waited, and waited, and waited, and waited.  Finally, the stars aligned, the angels sang, and we actually saw someone pulling out of their spot. We immediately put on our turn signal to claim what was rightfully ours by the unwritten law of parking etiquette.  However, just as that car was backing out, another car came zipping down the aisle in the other direction.  This a-hole completely ignored the fact that we were already there waiting and zoomed right into the parking space without a care in the world.

     My husband was having absolutely none of this.  He was LIVID and determined to fight for his right to park.  He dismissed my pleads of protest and jumped out of the car to confront the other driver, who just so happened to be a woman.  There was a lot of yelling and gesturing going on, so I decided to roll down my window to find out just what in the hell was going down.  I suddenly heard my husband yell, “But my wife is PREGNANT!“, to which the other driver responded, “Well, so am I!”  I tried to motion to my husband to call off the firing squad, but he was already screeching, “Well, my wife is pregnant with TWINS!!!!”  We had apparently gotten into a game of “My mama’s bigger than your mama”.  I tried as hard as I could to slither my way down in my seat to avoid further embarrassment, but my torpedo belly wouldn’t allow for even the slightest bit of slithering.  My husband finally came flying back into the car, as the other car was backing out of the parking space.  Much to my astonishment, the biz-natch had actually conceded to my husband! We pulled into the spot and did a little happy dance to celebrate our victory.  

     Flash-forward to two weeks later when we’re in our breastfeeding class at the hospital.  Naturally, we were late and picked one of the last empty tables in the classroom.  A few minutes later, another couple waltzed into the room and took the only remaining seats left.  I glanced up just in time to see that the woman sitting down next to me was none other than the parking lot princess — yes, it seemed that the bitch was back.  My palms were sweaty, and I suddenly felt like I was in a Seinfeld episode where everything came full circle.  I had visions of us throwing down right then and there, just two beached whales going at it in a room full of boobs.  To my surprise, though, the chick had absolutely no recognition whatsoever of neither me nor my husband. She was truly just a pitifully clueless human being.  

     I guess when it comes to optimum parking spots, people are willing to bust out the old fistacuffs when and if necessary, especially during the holiday season.  Baby on board or not, it seems that it’s all about location, location, location.  The less steps we have to take to reach the mall, the better.  After all, ’tis the season to be lazy, ya know.


Rainy Day Rant


     Today is one of those wet, dreary days when you just wanna crawl back in bed with a good book.  Sadly, I haven’t done that for almost seven years now.  Instead, I had to make my fifteen thousandth pit stop this week at the grocery store.  And as if going to the grocery store in the rain wasn’t bad enough in and of itself, I had the misfortune of coming across two other irritating issues that bug the absolute hell out of me and make me want to succumb to online shopping forever more.

     As much as I practically live at the freaking grocery, I really think I have earned VIP parking status, and, therefore, should have a front row parking space in my Nucking Futs name.  But, because the world is full of unfairness, I had to park ridiculously far from the door and walk my ass through the pouring down rain.  As I was getting out of my car, I noticed that some lazy son of a bitch had left their shopping cart right in front of the car next to me.  I don’t know about you, but this is something that just boils my blood.  The damn cart corral was a mere 15 feet away, yet some slacker idiot couldn’t muster up the energy to walk it over there.  They decided to leave it for the wind to ram right into some poor sap’s car door. How thoughtful of them.  I decided to put on my good citizen’s hat and return it to the corral myself on the way into the store.  



     After I grabbed all the crap I needed to buy, I made my way to a checkout lane, where piss-off issue number two reared its ugly head in my direction.  The cashier asked me, “Do you want to make a contribution to breast cancer research today?” Now, mind you, I have already made a donation to breast cancer research earlier this month, so I am all about finding a cure.  However, I am sick and tired of being harassed to donate to this or that cause EVERY stinkin’ time I go to the grocery store! Every single day of every single week somebody’s trying to wrangle more money out of me.  And if you say, “No thank you, not today,” they give you the raised eyebrows with a small shake of the head as if to say, “You are a selfish bitch, lady.”  Believe you me, I have donated to plenty of causes throughout the year on my own free will.  I just personally don’t like to have it shoved in my face week after week — it’s overkill and could potentially make people bitter about giving to charitable causes.  

     As I made my way back through the downpour and got into my car, I noticed a fluffed up little bird who was hiding out under the car next to me.  I was so aggravated that I actually thought about joining him.  He seemed to have the right idea just tucking himself away from the rest of the messy, outside world.  Knowing my luck, though, the car would back up right over me and turn me into parking lot roadkill.

Just My Luck

So, I guess I’m not the only one having a crappy start to the day. After dropping the kids off at school, I had to swing by Walgreen’s to pick up pictures from the birthday party this weekend.  As has been the case for the past three days, it is nasty, cold and rainy outside.  I pulled into the parking lot, calmly parked my car, and grabbed my umbrella.  As I was getting out of the car, this hateful woman across the parking lot started screaming at me that I had purposely sped up when I saw her walking and had splashed muddy water all over her pants.  I actually turned around to see what poor sap she was bitching at because it clearly couldn’t be me.  I didn’t purposely do anything — my mind is too fixated on all those damn things on my “to do” list. Turns out, though, that it WAS me that was the cause of her fury. This crazy lady was pissed beyond belief.  I think I may have even seen flames of fire shoot out her nostrils.  I apologized and told her I didn’t see her, but she wouldn’t let it go.  She said I wasn’t sorry and that I meant to get her dirty.  Yes, that’s right, #225 on my “to do” list today was to get someone dirty!  How did she know??!!  As she stormed off, I stood there bewildered that someone would actually choose to wear light khaki pants on a mess of a day like today.  And, last time I checked, puddles usually do accompany three straight days of rain.  Who the hell was she to bitch me out for her own stupidity? Unfortunately for me though, it turns out that she apparently works at this Walgreen’s, which is just great because she saw me go to the photo counter to pick up my pictures. Now the crackpot has my name, address and phone number for future reference.  Awesome.  Just my luck.