You’ve probably heard about all the recent violence that’s occurred at various Chuck E. Cheese’s throughout the country, right? Adults are fighting, kids are fighting, and people are just generally making complete asses of themselves all in the presence of Mr. Cheese. There’s even one location in Wisconsin that’s required the cops to come and bust up twelve different fights over the span of just a couple years. The thing that I don’t understand, though, is why everyone seems to be so shocked by all this insanity. I mean seriously, people, HAVE YOU EVER BEEN TO A CHUCK E. CHEESE??!!! That kind of environment would make any sane person go balls to the wall crazy. They should change their tagline to “Where a kid can be a raging lunatic.”
Just think about it for a minute — you pretty much know you’ve entered the depths of HELL the moment you walk into a Chuck E. Cheese. The banging and beeping and screaming and shrieking reverberates throughout your entire body. Ear plugs should just be automatically handed out at the door to protect your hearing. And the flashing lights! Oh, the flashing lights! They’re EVERYWHERE and they’re bright enough to burn your damn retinas. A person can only take all this banging and flashing for so long before it starts to really mess with the mind.
And then there’s the tens of thousands of kids who are darting about like they ate crack for breakfast. Manners are checked at the door, and you better be prepared to elbow any guy who tries to cut in front of you in the Skee-Ball line. Best believe NOBODY wants to wait his turn. Patience just doesn’t exist within the walls of Chuck E. Cheese. You should also plan on putting a death grip on any tickets you win from the games since they will no doubt be swiped right off the floor if you drop them. Hell, they might even be pried right from your own hand if you’re not paying attention. It’s a dog eat dog world in the arcade area, so your bite better be as freaking loud as your bark.
And furthermore, does the giant mouse image not bother anyone else but me? Personally, I don’t really like associating a place that sells food with rodents. If you ask me, the very symbol of their whole entire franchise instills fear and panic. Who knows, maybe people become so crazed in there because they’re internally worried about mice shitting all over their pepperoni pizza.
Actually, I think it’s pretty surprising that all this violence has taken so long to finally come to a head. The whole concept itself is a serious recipe for disaster. You put a shit ton of hyped up kids with a shit ton of stressed out adults in one very loud and very crowded place together, and there’s bound to be trouble. And this, my friends, is why I avoid Chuck E. Cheese like the flipping plague. Isn’t life crazy enough without a giant varmint singing and dancing and brainwashing our kids to waste all our money on germ-infested arcade machines? (That was a rhetorical question.)