Baring It All

     You know that saying, “Curiosity killed the cat?”  Well, I’m quite certain that phrase would apply to me if I ever did choose to throw caution to the wind and get naked with my bad self on a nude beach.  I must admit that deep-down I actually do have a desire to see what it’s like to lounge around in my birthday suit amongst the sea gulls and other beachgoers.  It just seems like it would be so liberating and refreshing, not to mention the awesome line-free tan I’d get as a result.  However, it would be just my luck that my sweet little moment of liberation would be completely pooped on by some unexpected outside force.

     I speak somewhat from experience when I say that I see this whole scenario playing out in a glass half-empty type of outcome.  You see, back in my pre-kids teaching days, I was lying on the beach one summer afternoon in my itsy bitsy teeny weeny bikini when I happened to see a group of students heading my way.  Considering that these boys, who were packing serious hormones in their pants, would, in fact, be occupying my classroom in just a few short weeks, I practically dug a hole and buried myself in the sand to avoid making eye-contact with them.  I could just picture the first week of school and having to stand up in front of these boys and expect them to take me seriously.  Thank God I’d grabbed my oversized beach towel that day so that I could roll up in it like a hot dog in a bun.  I was taking no chances.

     Regardless, though, I can’t help but be a little bit curious about stripping down all the way.  I know it would be just my fortune, however, that I’d end up like this poor woman my mom heard about from a patient at the dentist office where she works.  This lady, a teacher in the midwest, was on a cruise ship that happened to stop at a topless beach one day.  She figured what the hell and adapted to the “when in Rome” philosophy by whipping her top off. As she was lying there in all her unveiled glory, she suddenly heard a voice calling her name.  When she opened her eyes, she saw the parent of one of her students standing over the top of her and her bare boobs.  I’m pretty sure that she died right then and there of embarrassment, causing a ridiculously painful sunburn on her ariolas.  Can you even imagine the awkwardness of THAT parent/teacher conference?!

     That poor woman’s story is something that would totally happen to me.  You’ve read enough about all the stupid shit that happens to me to know that this is true.  However, the older I get, the less I care about what people think, so maybe I’ll just get crazy and streak the beach when we go down to visit my mother-in-law in Florida for spring break.  I may give an old-timer or two a heart-attack, but hey, it might just be worth that tiny burst of freedom, don’t ya think?


Oh, Snap!

     Since yesterday was yet another gorgeous day here, I took the kids over to the beach after school to meet some of their friends.  We live in the Great Lakes area and are very fortunate to have a huge, beautiful beach just five minutes from our house.  My out of town friends are always surprised when we take them to our beach because it truly is like a Florida beach.  We practically live at this beach in the summer because we are all secretly beach bums.  

     The outside temperature yesterday was a perfect eighty-five degrees, with nothing but sun and blue skies overhead.  The sand was even hot under your feet.  The water temperature, though, was quite another story.  It was flat-out, freaking C-O-L-D!!!!  The other moms and I wouldn’t even let our kids get in the water because it was so flipping chilly.  So, it was nothing short of an “Oh, snap!” moment when my daughter’s little friend’s favorite bucket got swept away and ended up about a half mile away from the shore.

     Now, in my head, I was thinking how much that sucks that the bucket was gone.  Even though the little girl was clearly upset, you couldn’t have paid me to drag my ass through that freezing water to fetch a damn plastic bucket.  This little girl’s mother, though, immediately whipped her skirt off and started out after the bucket.  I told her that she deserved the Mother of the Year award without a doubt — I mean, we’re talking about wading through fifty-five degree water in a bikini!  Unfortunately, though, the bucket had sunk by the time she got all the way out there.  I felt so bad for the mom, whose chattering teeth and pissed-off look said it all when she got back to the shore.  She admitted that it wasn’t worth it in the end.

     And just as I was saying how she’s a better mom than me for going in after it, I looked up to see my son’s Croc floating away in the lake, as well. Son of a bitch!  A shoe is a bit more essential than a bucket, so I, too, was then forced to drag my bikini-clad derriere into that frigid water.  Luckily, I was able to retrieve the shoe, but I had to spend some time thawing out once I got back to the beach.  It was seriously like an ice bath in that lake!  We then moved EVERYTHING we brought to the beach far, far away from the water.  No one was going back in, unless an actual person was floating away.  Oh, the things we mothers do for our kids….