Trust Your Gut


     Most people don’t have a very good relationship with their gut.  In fact, they often spend hours upon hours trying to get rid of it altogether.  They sign it up for early morning boot camp, they shove it into Spanx, and they only feed it things like beet juice and celery sticks.  I, on the other hand, happen to really appreciate my gut.  She’s certainly led me down the right path on many different occasions.

     One such occasion was in junior high at a big sleepover party.  Everyone decided to sneak out late at night and teepee the house of a girl who was a a grade ahead of us in school.  I was hesitant to partake, but I ended up going along with the group. (Damn peer pressure!)  However, when we got to the house and toilet paper was being passed out, my internal compass told me to hold the phone.  The big eighth grade dance was coming up, and I knew my mom would flip out and keep me from going if I got busted.  So I chose to sit on the curb and watch my friends turn all the trees into a Charmin wonderland. The next day, my Sherlock Holmes mother somehow tricked me into telling her about the sneaking out, and the only thing that saved my ass from missing the big dance was the fact that I didn’t actually vandalize anything.  Score one for the gut!

     This deep-rooted instinct has also played out time and time again throughout motherhood as well.  If I have a strong feeling about something, I’ve learned to trust it and just go with it.  When my kids get sick, I listen when my gut is talking.  Take for instance all the shit that’s gone down the past couple of weeks in the Nucking Futs household of HELL.  I’m sure y’all remember reading about the bathroom barf brigade, right?  Well, when my daughter’s coughing and fever didn’t seem to get any better as the week progressed and when she started complaining about her ear hurting, I immediately called the doctor’s office to schedule yet another appointment.  As it turned out, my poor baby has freaking pneumonia!  Now, maybe I’m a little anal when it comes to my kids and sickness, but in this case, thank God I was!  We caught it right away and immediately got her on antibiotics.  Score another one for the gut!

     So you can see then why my gut has become my number one homegirl throughout all our years together.  She rarely lets me down when I turn to her for guidance. Therefore, I have no problem showering her with sushi and good wine for a job well done.  And besides, she’s WAY less annoying than that jackass Dr. Phil.


Work It


     I’ve been having a serious tug of war going on in my head lately — to work or not to work, that is the question.  Since my kids will soon be in school full day, I am really tossing around the idea of going back to work part-time.  I really want to have something for ME, where I not only make money but also feel mentally stimulated.  I know that many women might have a thing or two to say about me CHOOSING to go back to work. However, I don’t think anybody can decide what’s best for someone else. Motherhood involves enough guilt as it is without other mothers trying to instill yet even more guilt over a very difficult decision.          

     Naturally, there are a plethora of challenging factors involved with this idea of mine, but the main problem is that I don’t really know exactly what it is that I want to do.  Before kids, I used to be a junior high teacher.  While I loved what I did, I became severely burnt out toward the end of that six year period of time. Let me tell ya, there were a hell of a lot of hormones in that classroom, what with puberty and all.  I realize that the hours would certainly be ideal for my kids’ school schedules, but I don’t think I really want to work with kids when I’m away from my own kids.  I’m afraid that would lead to kid overload for me.  Quite frankly, I’d rather be with adults.  

     So, I’ve been trying to figure out what my current skills are so that I can try to revamp my resume.  I can do laundry like a pro, cook a mean grilled cheese, make a dirty little ass sparkly clean, drive an ear-piercing carpool without wrecking the car, read a Dr. Seuss book like nobody’s business, and give the best bedtime smooches and hugs in the house.  And while I know my KIDS would say those things make me a highly valuable candidate, I’m not quite sure how marketable they will make me in any type of BUSINESS world.

     Then, there’s the whole issue of childcare.  I feel extremely fortunate and grateful to have had the opportunity to stay home with my kids up until this point.  I’ve been able to share every poop, every booger and every puke with them.  But if I work outside the home, there’s a possibility of an overlap between my work schedule and when they get out of school.  As much as I dream about someone else wiping their butts and mopping up barf, I really don’t want to miss out on all the important things in their lightning speed little lives.  I’m struggling with wanting the best of both worlds, which I am fully aware is flat-out IMPOSSIBLE!  

     So, I know that I am not the only mother who has battled with this dilemma.  How do you come to terms with wanting both a career AND motherhood?  How do you find a balance between the two?  Is it possible to feel fulfilled when you take on two completely different roles at once?

I’m On The Phone!


     If I ever need to get the attention of my kids, I swear all I need to do is attempt to make a phone call.  They could be completely oblivious to the fact that I’m even in the house, but the minute I pick up the phone, they are all over me.  Someone’s tattle telling, fighting, taking a poop, singing, crying, and, in general, just misbehaving, all while I’m trying to carry on a civilized conversation with the person on the other end of the line.  

     Just yesterday, when I was trying to make an appointment over the phone, my son decided that was the absolute minute he needed to play Uno with me.  I must’ve told him a hundred times that I’d have to play later, but it didn’t seem to register with him even one little bit. He went ahead and dealt out the cards anyway.  Every time I’d walk around the corner to another room to be able to hear better, here he’d come with my cards, whining about it being my turn.  How could it be my turn when I wasn’t even playing in the first place??!!  

     I’ve tried everything from forewarning them before making a call to hiding in a closet.  NOTHING WORKS!  They always find me!  I thought it would get better as they got older, but it most certainly is not.  In fact, I think it might even be worse.  I feel so incredibly rude when I constantly have a three ring circus going on in the background of a serious phone conversation.  It is a real challenge to focus on something when your twins are using you as the free space in their obnoxiously loud game of tag.

     I’m at a loss and could use some serious advice.  Somebody out there MUST have some ideas in their back pocket, other than opening up a good can of whoop ass.  So, what do you do to preoccupy your clan while making phone calls?  Do tell….