The Furniture Salesman

Have u met my family room sofa?  You know, that one whose piping is poking out the edges, whose cushions are covered with water stains and whose edges are all frayed along the skirt?  Yes, I’m talking about the one that’s too shitty to even be considered for a fraternity house.  Let me refresh your memory:

Pretty freaking attractive, eh?  And I’m sure you noticed that goatdog has oh-so-strategically placed himself right in the middle of the hunk o’ junk.  So, what’s a person to do?  The way I saw it, I had but two choices.  I could either:  a.) roll in a dozen kegs and throw a big-ass toga party or b.) bite the bullet and go furniture shopping.  And as tempting as option a.) sounded, I decided to go with option b.)

Now I don’t know about you, but I liken furniture stores to car dealerships.  The salesmen are all strategically placed at the entrance ready to pounce on the next unsuspecting customer who strolls through the front door.  It’s truly a total and complete crapshoot as to what type of salesman you’re gonna get, too.  And wouldn’t you know that nine times out of ten, we end up with the biggest doofus of the bunch.  So, naturally, when we began our search for a new sofa over this past weekend, we sure enough ended up with the douche of all douches.

This clueless wonder looked eerily similar to Penn from Penn & Teller.  And I’m sorry, but cracking my ass up at a comedy club is WAY different than trying to redesign my family room.  Call me crazy, but it’s a little hard to take you and your knowledge of “style” seriously when you look like this:

No matter how many times I told this yahoo that I have a French Country-themed home, he continued to pull out everything from Asian-inspired prints to shit I would’ve seen in my eighty-eight year old grandma’s house.  The dude was so unbelievably moronic when it came to listening to his customer’s needs, that he talked more about his damn cat than he did about the right sofa for my family.  I had to grit my teeth so much just to get through the whole process that I was sure I’d need dentures when we finally left the place.

So I ask you — what DO you do in this situation?  Do you ask for another sales associate?  Do you tell the guy that he sucks and wouldn’t even be able to sell a cup of lemonade at a frickin’ lemonade stand?  Or do you do what I do and simply go to another store altogether?

** What IS the protocol for obnoxiously annoying salesman???? **


16 Responses

  1. I don’t even bother with the salespeople in furniture stores until I’ve found something I want. I don’t think they add anything to the process of finding the furniture I like, have no design training and are obnoxious as you’ve described. I weave my way through them at the front door, ignoring them mostly and saying “no thanks” when they ask if I want help. If I find something I want to buy I just turn around and there are usually several lurking around. Then I deal with them simply to come to an agreement on price and delivery options and to complete the sale. It makes both of our lives much easier this way.

  2. I am a little bit of what you call Bitchy Honest. I tell them they are a terrible salesman that has no capacity for listening and that I don’t care about their freakin’ cat. I proceed to tell them they have lost my business by behaving like a jackass and leave to shop elsewhere. I do not tolerate jackassery very well as you can tell. I have told off MANY MANY salesmen in my short adult life (being I am only going to be 25 in 4 months).

  3. I don’t tolerate sales ppl following me around or “helping” until dh & I have made a decision to buy. I usually try ignoring & just talking with dh and walk away from them- if they keep butting in, I will plainly tell them we don’t need any input & we will let them know when we need help or have a question. If they still don’t get it, plain as it gets I will say that I don’t like to be hoovered over while shopping & if they continue we will go elsewhere.

  4. I wanna go furniture shopping with Mama Bennie!!! Free entertainment.

    I just tell them to go away until I’ve found something.

    • I am here for your viewing pleasure hahaha. There really is nothing else to do around this crap hole beside shopping. I also really hate the bra measuring lady at Victoria’s Secret. She was insisting on trying to measure me, and I told her I would break her hands if she touched me.

  5. I’m with Cyndi – I’m the type who will let them know when I need help. If they get really annoying though I just leave and go elsewhere….

  6. We were going to a furniture store a few years back to COMPLETE a set we already had. We knew exactly what we needed and were just kinda browsing to see if anything else struck or fancy. We asked the salesman to hang back and we would come and get him when we were ready to buy the pieces we knew we needed…..

    until we caught him following us and then whenever we’d look in his direction he would HIDE behind something. It was incredibly creepy. Husband quietly snuck off and asked the manager to find us a new sales person. I kinda felt bad afterward but the dude was seriously creepy.

    • That salesman you described sounds like someone I saw on America’s Most Wanted one time….

  7. 2 words Jordan Furniture. I love it there. Not only do they have a full IMAX theater but they also have a trapeze (yes a full working one) and the best jelly bean store of all jelly bean stores ( too bad I don’t like Jelly Beans.) Every time Chris and I have gone there for a movie we always walk around the actual furniture store and are never bothered yes we are asked if we need anything but the sales people there are never pushy. Anyway in the situation you were in just politely say thank you but I think we’d like to look around and see if anything jumps out at us. that should be enough to make them back off. If not then just leave the store and go someplace else there are plenty of other places to get a new couch. Oh and to make you feel better about your couch we own a wooden framed futon that we have had since our first apartment together 9 years ago. Happy couch shopping.

  8. LMAO!! yeah, don’t make eye contact (ie, kiss of death) with any salesperson (furniture, car, you name it). once you do. BANG!! they are on you like flies on shit. And that is what they are, BIG GIANT ANNOYING FLIES that you just wanna swat away.

    But c’mon, we’re all adults here (or so it seems) and therefore we can’t go swatting people away. Sometimes i wish we could.

    SO in this situation I would probably confront the salesperson and just say, “Look, i know you work off commission, but things aren’t working out between us. Let’s not prolong MY agony and let me just browse around a bit. IF I find something that I like, I might hunt you down and let you sell it to me. But please, feel free to go help someone that looks older than I do and shares the same (lack of-)taste as you do.

    Of course, if that doesn’t work, just head to the sales desk and have a manager work things out.

  9. You bought new furniture before your kids left home? What were you thinking? Funny as always and there is something for you on my blog. Love you writing!

  10. My husband says I’m weird and that EVERYONE likes being helped by sales people. Ha!

    When we returned from Asia in March and needed to furnish the whole apartment, I told the guy right at the door – “I don’t like sales people. They scare me. I’m here because I need furniture. You have already made your sale. The only way to lose it is to talk to me.”

    In the case of your creep, he’d obviously lost his sale. I would probably ask him if he was willing to lose the sale for the store owner, too.

  11. Hi there! This is what I would do *note my husband is a high end car salesman* If you go to the generic big brand stores your going to get your goob of the day..if you need design advice or really any help other than saying “that one over there” I would go to a boutique furniture store. They will have some crazy exp ones (I know, I know you don’t want to spend 5K on a sofa that goat dog will inevitably chew up) but they also will have several that are cheaper. You can pick the shape and then they have a trillion fabrics to cover. THE piece de resistance: You get the wonderful, attentive person who is built in to the “boutique experience” even if your not paying the boutique price. But to address the original question- I am in sales too and feel like I try to give sales people a break (the whole Karma’s a bitch routine) but when some jackhole is wasting my time..screw it, screw him.

  12. I’d say “Smack ’em” but then I’d have to bail you out and it isn’t payday yet…


  13. We found that to be true in our recent couch quest. The sales person tried to follow us around the store “discreetly”. Lets just say the sales person has no future as a ninja.

    I try not to take the sales people too personally. As someone who has worked retail I clearly remember the stupid things they would force us to say.

    So, did you get a couch.

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