Did I Say That?

There are many phrases that instantaneously fly out of my mouth at this point in my life that I never ever thought I’d hear.  And yeah, I blame it ALL on parenting.  Cause kids?  They just constantly do weird shit.  Here are just a few of the ridiculous words that I’ve uttered over the past several years:

“Get that pea out of your nose!”

“Mommy’s boobs are not horns.”

“Don’t shoot your sister.”

“Please keep your hands out of your pants when you’re in the outfield.”

“Don’t pick your nose.”

“You won’t have any friends if you eat your boogers.”

“Do not ride the dog.”

” Shoes go on your feet, not the kitchen table.”

“Go to sleep or you’ll be short forever.”

“Plastic bags don’t go on your head.”

“Please don’t put your socks in the flower pots.”

“We do not eat bananas when we’re taking a poo.”

“Do not wear Mommy’s bra on your head.”

“No, rocks do NOT belong in the bathtub.”

“It’s not polite to spit at the neighbors.”

“Yes, you have to wear pants to the birthday party.”

“Mommy will go to jail if you don’t go to school.”

“Do not eat your toothpaste.”

“M&M’s are not a breakfast food.”

“We color on the paper, not on the wall.”

“Dead cicadas do not go in Mommy’s purse.”

“Do not suck on nickels.”



27 Responses

  1. I told my daughter “You are a big girl for some purposes, but a little girl for others.”

  2. Turn it up, it’s Miley Cyrus!

  3. 3-year-old daughter asking how babies get out of mommies bellies:

    Me: They come out the mommy’s vagina.
    Her: What’s a ‘gina?
    Me: It’s another hole between the poop hole and pee hole that only girls have.
    Her: HAHAHAHA!!! You said POOP hole!

    End of conversation.

  4. Some of my faves from our house:
    “Where is this pig’s butt?”
    “We do not eat q-tips!”
    “Put down that ladle! You’re going to give the cat a concussion!”
    “The dog does not want to wear those fairy wings!”

  5. at the tender age of two my daughter has made me utter the phrases:

    “Get you sister’s binky out of your nose”
    “Stop pulling an Al Bundy” (sitting on couch with hand in pants)
    “Don’t poke your eye with your toes”
    “Don’t lick the pepper shaker”
    “Your socks are not mittens”
    “Please keep your clothes on we have visitors”
    “At least keep your diaper on”
    “Yogurt is not hair gel”
    “Maple Syrup is not hair gel”
    “How in the world did you get a macaroni noodle stuck in your nose”
    “Pennies are not food”
    “DVDs don’t belong in the tape player”
    “Please don’t climb into the washing machine” (we had to rig a baby gate on the half wall to stop this)
    “Give me daddy’s nail clippers before you cut the tip of your finger off”
    “Don’t Stand on the kitchen table”
    There are tons of these.

  6. I just said this morning to my boys: “Quit looking at the poo in the toilet! You don’t need to share your poop with your brother!”

  7. Please do not smack random women on the butt.

    Trust me, no one wants to see your “brown eye”, pull your pants back up!

  8. No, baconboy you cannot breastfeed your brother but thanks for trying.

  9. 7 peas up one nostril.


    I had to use tweezers and even then wondered if I should go to the ER.

    But I figured, they’d only laugh me out of the ER what with all the “real” emergencies vs my son with 7 peas up his nose…


    I bought new tweezers as you can well imagine.


  10. For my daughter, I uttered none of these. Then, we had a boy. Now I’m full of ’em:

    If it’s not yours, don’t touch it.
    If it’s not food or your toothbrush, it doesn’t belong in your mouth.
    Do not wash yourself with a Clorox wipe.
    Porta-Johns are for peeing in, not next to.
    How did you get spaghetti in your hair? (this at age 9!!)
    Aim when you pee. (this one really gets me – I mean, how hard can it be? The toilet is a pretty big target!)

    Ah, motherhood….

  11. my son is luckily only 5 weeks old and has yet to start making me say these kinds of things though my 11 year old sister has. she has a concusion from a car accedent and has to wear a helmet at recess.

    sister- ___ called me helmet head at school today again and made me cry
    me- well next time he calls you that call him penis head
    sister- thanks ___ (she walks away)
    me- crap wait get back here dont do that mommy is gonna kill me now.

  12. All the things that my mother nagged me about and I vowed never to nag, but now I have morphed! It’s when you hear your LO’s talking to the cat that you realise how your parenting transpires – needless to say the cat doesn’t like grapes or greens!

  13. Stop licking the windows!
    We don’t sit on our sister’s head!
    Do you have to pee? No? Then quit grabbing your crotch!
    It’s only 7am and you’re already driving me crazy!
    How did your pants get turned around?
    Daddy’s underwear are not a hat… especially the ones from the laundry basket!
    Quit chewing on your shoe!
    You’re not Curious George, stop making that annoying noise!

  14. I often say, “PLEASE can I have just ONE minute of privacy?”

    Stop copying your sister.
    Stop hitting your sister..
    Get your hands out of your pants.
    Please don’t say vagina in the grocery store.
    The string between mommy’s legs is a special kind of bandaid.
    You are not going to grow a penis. You are a girl.

  15. Here’s a few;
    1. No earthworms for pets.
    2. Can you stop being disrespectful long enough to be respectful?
    3. Please don’t put your brothers dirty underwear on your head.

  16. “Don’t wipe your booger on Jesus.” Said to my toddler when we visited a friend who has a figurine of Jesus – a gift from her super-Catholic mom! – on her coffee table.

  17. Just today my six year old asked if she could ride in the front seat of the car and I looked at her and said, “Are you high?”

  18. My 3 year old, from the back seat, when I had to stop suddenly said, “Dammit!” I know exactly where she learned it….my wife! ;-P

  19. Here’s one that’s been coming out of my mouth more and more lately:

    “This is why I drink.”

  20. Just today I told my 6 year-old, “Oh, well. You’re S.O.L. then!” It popped out of my mouth. He immediately asked, “What’s S.O.L.?” I told him that meant you were out of luck. He then proceeded to march up to his his friend (and that child’s mom) and said, “I’m S.O.L.!”

  21. Don’t lick the screen door.
    No, you can’t pinch my nipple.
    Your sister is not a rag doll.
    Where the HELL is your father??

  22. Don’t blow your nose in the fishbowl!

    There are so many, but that one will probably always be my favorite.

  23. I admit that I actually found myself saying, in the car, “Well if you really can’t hold it it then just go.”
    And she did.

  24. “No, you cannot see the cat’s vagina. Yes, she has a butt. There IS a difference. There just is.”

  25. From my blog at http://www.mclaughlin2under2.blogspot.com:
    Things that ACTUALLY came out of my mouth today:
    Number 5: “Take the crayon out of your nose please.”
    Number 4: “Calm down. Mommy didn’t GO poopie. If I did, I would have let you see it, I promise.”
    Number 3: “Socks are for wearing, not for eating!”
    Number 2: “That’s Mommy’s make up brush, here’s yours, son.”
    And the number 1 thing that ACTUALLY came out of my mouth today:”It’s called a nipple.”

  26. I’m laughing so hard right now. Thanks to all the fellow parents for making me feel like a part of a club!

    The funny part to me is when I say what my parents used to say.
    If my kids ask, “What’s for dinner?” I say, “Food.” then I tack on my Mother’s favorite, “Ask a stupid question; get a stupid answer.”

    Then my 9yo son says that a teacher at school was talking to them & said they could ask anything & that there were no stupid questions. So my son says, “My Mom says: ask a stupid question; get a stupid answer.”

  27. “You cannot get a fever from bumping your head”,

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