Things I’ve Learned This Week

** I need to start turning tricks on the corner to pay for all this end of the school year crap.

** If it looks like pink eye, it probably is.

** Injecting crazy amounts of shit into your lips makes you look like Curious George.

** Spongebob, Dora & Calillou run a very tight race as to who has THE most annoying voice ever.

** I should never send the dog flowers, unless it’s for a snack.

** The bathroom at the grocery store is all kinds of nasty.  (Just trust me on this one.)

** Whenever my daughter is skateboarding, I need to wear steal-toed shoes.

** Silly Bands are taking over the world, one rubber band at a time.

** Pop Tarts do NOT belong in your bra.

** If you have a penis, it works best to open the toilet seat lid before peeing.

** There’s a big pile of poo in the backyard.  (The poor babysitter learned this too late.)

** When you’re really really tired, you can fall asleep just about anywhere, including the waiting room of the pediatrician’s office.

** Wine corks only break off in the bottle when my husband’s out of town.

** Every clock in our house says a different time, so technically, I am always on time.

** The Blackhawks know how to kick some ass!

** Homemade Mother’s Day presents are still great, even if you don’t receive them until two months after the fact.

** I’ve got the zombie look down to a freakin’ T.

** I should’ve talked the kids into a pet rock instead of a damn dog.

** It’s gonna be a LONG-ass summer.

** Despite what I might think, God does not give me more than I can handle.



29 Responses

  1. Are we totally sure about that whole God doesn’t give us more than we can handle. . .???? This week I learned that I am not sure I believe it!!!!! Am I going to get struck by lightning now?!?!?!

    • Some weeks I wonder that same thing, but surprisingly, I’m still here week after week to report on how I survived. 🙂

  2. Isn’t it weird how after you’ve become a parent you read something this and laugh. Not so much because it’s funny (which it is) but because you truly can relate!

    I learned that unpainted drywall + ketchup = huge stains that can’t be removed.

  3. I have learned that when a father says “She’s a little warn but she’s in a sweater” to take the bloody temperature right then and there EVEN if you look stupid… 103F and then not being able to get a hold of anyone for 45 mins does make for an anxious morning.


    I think you learned more than I did.

    Have a great weekend!

    • Ugh! Sorry to hear about the fever — always go with your gut is what I’ve always learned. Hope your weekend is better for you! 🙂

  4. Personally for me, I found Boots the moneky from Dora asdn Caillou to be two of the whiniest bastards ever…but that’s me. When my daughter now 10 watched I used to just cringe………

    • Oh yeah, Boots makes my ears hurt too. REALLY don’t understand why all these cartoon creators make parents endure even more whining! Don’t we have enough already with our own kids, for crap’s sakes?!

  5. Do you remember Angela Anaconda? I think she wins for most annoying voice. LOL.

  6. My vote is for Caillou. He is banned at my house because I can’t stand to hear his little voice. It always sounds like he’s whining, and with 5 kids at home, I hear enough of that!

  7. I’m so glad my son is older and I don’t have to listen to those kid show voices. Now I listen to hip-hop & some other unidentifiable music coming out of his room. I just drown it out by turning my own music up… 🙂

  8. I’ve learned that it doesn’t matter how big the toilet is, my 2-year-old boy will MISS and pee all the way around the bathroom every time anyways!!!
    And I vote for Caillou, I freaking HATE his voice!!!

  9. Every clock in our house says a different time, so technically, I am always on time

    Thank is fabulous! And I am going to quote this on twitter too….FOREVER…this is my new mantra! LOL~!

  10. I have learned that the therapist at the office I’ve been going to, do not have a clue, and each one of the 5 I’ve seen have told me something different in regards to my therapy following my carpal tunnel surgery. And to top it all off, they are overcharging my co-pay by $25 because they say they are “specialists”. Specialists at effing up is what I think!

  11. I was thinking about Whore as a summer job too! LOL.

  12. I’ve decided the reason wealthy people send their kids to boarding school is because they can!

  13. ive learned this week that kids are the ones in control no matter what we think
    i learned that i am thankful for school(what i did before i dont know)
    and last but not least i learned that me time is important to my childrens life(not that i get alot)

  14. All that in only ONE week?? Cant wait to hear what next week brings !! I learned that my kids will never flush a toilet (one of them is 8 – she should know by now !!!) and no matter how large our entry closet is (its a walk in – its huge) they will still leave their socks and shoes in the hall way ! Life as a mom . . . .its great!

  15. That a 3hr. round trip drive on Friday and Sunday to grandma’s is worth every mile so I can get a day to myself.

  16. What did I learn this week? I learned what a bung wrench is.

    No, really. This is the biggest thing I learned this week.

    I paint for a living at a university and I am required to properly dispose of any unused paint. I am to put said latex paint into a 30 gallon drum that is then hauled away by the environmental safety people on campus. But yesterday I couldn’t unscrew the damn cap. I tried for an hour, with various tool and lots of f-bombs. I finally broke down and called the enviro people for help. The dude on the other line said, “Oh, you just need a bung wrench.”

    “A what wrench?” I said.

    “A bung wrench. I know this is awkward but that opening in the barrell is actually called a bung hole and to unplug that hole, you need a bung wrench.”

    And that is what I learned this week.

  17. Hold onto that zombie look. I keep telling myself: Vampires are back with a vengeance and everyone thinks they’re hot. Zombies have got to be next.

    Just an FYI.

  18. I agree – Spongebob, Dora, and Calillou all have voices that make nails going down a chalkboard mild in comparison. BUT…! I think Barney the Purple Dinosaur – along with Baby Bop and P.J. – were the absolute worse!

    Jessica… I cured my son of peeing outside the pot by using Fruit Loops & Cheerios! A dozen or so Cheerios (original) thrown into the toilet and one Fruit Loop (any color) floating among them that he had to “sink” – never cleaned pee off the floor again!

  19. Deb- I just tell people that my kids are water conservationists.

    Lori- Bung Hole. I freaking love it! puts me right back to watching Beavis & Butthead.

    I learned that if you take 4 road trips in 3 months, you will NEVER catch up on sleep.

  20. I just about died laughing at the wine cork one because it is sooooo true. On one of my hubby’s weekend trainings with the military I was left to enjoy my bottle of wine all on my own. Well, when I went to pull up the cork, it broke. Now, I may have a masters degree, but it sure as hell isn’t in wine bottle opening, so I grab a knife and try jabbing it into the cork so i can pull it up somehow (bear with my ignorance, I was desperate to get the damn cork off), when suddenly I inadvertently jabbed my own thumb! Needless to say, blood was gushing and I had to get my then 12 year old son to give me a hand to clean up my mess. As you can imagine, I was even more desperate for that glass of wine by the end of the whole ordeal!! Stop by and take a peek at my stories raising two boys in their hormonal pubescent stage known as the TWEENS and the TEENS!!

    • Oh, girlfriend, I totally get that desperation to open the wine bottle come hell or high water when the hubby’s out of town! I can’t believe I haven’t ever stabbed my own hand somehow in the process! I’ll definitely take some time to check out your blog stories sometime soon! 🙂

  21. i learned that this post is frickin’ hilarious!

    i leaned that when Mommy goes away on a business trip to have the kids sleep with one of her pillows. helps them go to bed without whining for her. “There’s nothing I can do kids to get Mommy here right now, but I wish there was!”

    thanks. gotta keep stopping back here, but so many blogs to follow…and i need to kick myself in the butt to get writing again on my blog!

  22. Spongebob, Dora & Calillou run a very tight race as to who has THE most annoying voice ever.

    Calilou hands down…

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