Dr. Nucking Futs

I swear I should have been a psychiatrist or some kind of therapist or something.  People are always spilling their beans to me, whether I want them to or not.  However, I don’t even know how to deal with my own shit, so it’s probably best that I don’t try and tackle other people’s shit as well.

For instance, just last week I had some woman following me around the Nordstrom shoe department telling me about what kind of shoes she prefers, as well as her bunions and arch problems.  I have no freaking clue what possessed this chick to think that I gave a damn about her nasty feet.  I tried like hell to ditch her, but every time I turned around, there she was yapping away.  And to make matters worse, she was not only a REALLY loud talker, but she was also a close talker.  I felt truly violated by the time I left the store and went right home to take a shower.

And then there was the woman at the gym last week who struck up a conversation with me about what kind of undies I wear under my workout pants.  Now, granted, her kids go to the same school as mine, but still, talking to a complete stranger about your thong can be a little awkward, to say the least.  She did at least have the common decency to introduce herself to me properly after we’d talked in great detail about our skivvies.  She felt it was just the right thing to do, since we knew so much about each other by that point.

The grocery store is another place where I should start charging people by the hour.  I can’t ever seem to get in and out of there without somebody bearing their poor, pitiful soul to me.  I cringe every time I go through the checkout line when this one particular cashier is working it.  I know WAY more about her financial woes and family drama than I even know about my own.  I don’t know what makes her think I want to hear all about her kid’s boogers when all I want to do is buy my damn bananas.

So maybe I missed my calling in life, and I was really supposed to be a Freudian mastermind or something.  Who knows.  I certainly seem to attract the cuckoos though, which is totally ironic, don’t ya think?  They clearly don’t know just how nucking futs I am.


3 Responses

  1. Clearly you look like a Nordstrom shoe sales person. Though perhaps not so much when just down to the undies.

  2. Get one of those ear pieces that go with cell phones and wear it while shopping. If someone starts talking to you, say “Excuse me” and strike up an imaginary phone conversation. That should solve the problem in most settings. You’re on your own in the locker room!

  3. Hahaha…you get life stories. I get questions.

    My kids think it’s funny when a random stranger walks right up to me & asks “Which one of these looks more like a poinsettia?” “What should I buy my boyfriend for Valentine’s Day?” or “Where is the new Ross?”…all real questions I’ve been asked btw.

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