The Sleepwalking Pisser

You know those days when you think, “Wow, things couldn’t possibly get worse” and then suddenly they do? Well, that pretty much summed up Monday for us here on the Nucking Futs homefront. Yes, it was just a series of one sucky thing right after another, starting with a lice scare at school (I itch just thinking about it), capped off by a big ol’ pile of piss (literally).

It’s never fun to discover that your child has peed the bed when all you wanna do is crawl into your own bed and pass the hell out. And it never seems to fail that this little event ALWAYS takes place right after you just put fresh sheets on said child’s bed. So, you can probably imagine how thrilled we were to find out that we had to once again put clean sheets on our daughter’s bed at freaking 11:30 at night. Nothin’ like a little midnight laundering to really get your mojo goin’.

So after tucking our newly-pj’d daughter back into her freshly-made sleep nest, my husband popped into the boy’s room to drag his little booty to the john for one last tinkle. He’d no sooner stepped two feet through the door when I heard, “What the hell is this??!!” I tried REALLY hard to play it off like I didn’t hear him, but he was apparently under the impression that we were in this whole parenting thing together since he repeatedly called my name over and over again till I made my way back down the hall. I begged God to please, please, please not let me find a room full of gut soup.

Turns out that the kid had sleepwalked his way into what he thought was the bathroom, when in actuality, it was really just his dresser. There was a trail of piss all over the floor, right into which my hubby had managed to step, and a sprinkling of tinkling all over the drawer that, ironically, holds his undies. So, once again we rolled up our sleeves and set out to clean up yet another late night mess.

I was seriously beginning to believe that I do, in fact, live in a damn fraternity house. I mean, really, between my ripped-to-shreds couch and now the pissing on the floor, it’s getting to the point where I should just pick out our Greek letter symbols and start hazing the pledges. Luckily, last night, though, my son reassured me that this is nowhere near as bad as “Animal House.” The kid actually had the naivete’ to bust his own self for sneaking a cookie out of the pantry at 4 a.m. Now I don’t know about you, but I’m not thinkin’ too many frat dudes would ever admit to stealing from the friggin’ cookie jar….


22 Responses

  1. You could use Nu Phi Mu – 😉 I know my greek alphabet.

  2. I know a guy who likes to get drunk at motorcycle rallies and do that in the nightstand drawer! Needless to say, I’ll NEVER share a hotel room with him!!

  3. My brother did that once. Walked into mom’s room, and peed into her drawer. She woke up and watched him in amazement.

  4. As mother to two boys (now 13 and 9) I can tell you that both my boys have sleepwalked peed.

    My eldest managed to pee INTO his brand new shoes which were “parked” beside his bed, and within the last month, my 9 year old managed to pee INTO the cat’s bed. I have no idea what track gets switched in their brains where they decide that said objects are a toilet…. but hey….. I much prefer that they leave a trail (without hitting anything) if they sleep-pee over actually aiming and getting some obscure object.

  5. I just adore all the swearing. I love a woman who says it like it is. Such a breath of fresh air! Thank you – keep blogging.

    • Haha! Glad you dig my potty mouth! This is where I say all the things that I’d really like to say all day long when I have to bite my tongue! Hope to keep you coming back for more nucking futty fun! 🙂

  6. I’m not sure my son actually pees in the toilet even when he’s standing right in front of it!

    • I think the penis is incapable of hitting a particular target no matter how hard it tries….

  7. my ex did that.. due to the meds he was on and excessive drinking.. i woke up to find him pissing in my son’s room… i woke him up and he got pissed at me cuz i woke him up yelling at him for peeing in my son’s room!! wth!

  8. “sprinkling of tinkling” made me laugh!

    If my hubby has had anything (alcoholic) to drink at all, my subconscious makes sure I wake up when he gets up in the middle of the night to wee. The bathroom is the last place he’ll go then – one night he weed on the wall between our bedroom and the girls’ bedroom. Despite me standing there screaming at him!

  9. My cousin once sleepwalked right to the fridge… where he proceeded to open the vegetable drawer. And pee in it.

    Not. even. kidding.

    Thank GOD it was my older cousin babysitting, not me!

    Also, BARF.

    • Oh dear God! In the freaking veggie drawer?! I don’t think I’d ever look at my tomatoes the same again…..

  10. AHHH i have so much to look forward to with my little boy :). With my luck it will take place during a VERY long deployment.

    • Oh, you can bet your booty that it will most DEFINITELY happen during a very long deployment, cause that’s when the shit ALWAYS hits the fan! 🙂

  11. My wife got a call from school when our son (The Boy) was in kindergarten. It seems he had peed into the radiator at the back of the classroom.

    Now, at 14 years of age, I sometimes threaten to let his baseball team in on his nickname of “Radiator” at games. And that’s a true story.

    • That is an AWESOME story! So, did the whole classroom smell like cooked piss or what?! And “Radiator”? That is pure geniousness! 🙂

  12. Wow. I’m glad I have girls! They can’t aim well enough to pee in a drawer.

  13. Jonathan, my son (11) has “pee issues” when he’s wide awake. Either that or he’s just a really bad (as in NASTY BAD!!!) aim.

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