Things I’ve Learned This Week

** It’s all fun & games till someone eats your exercise bra.

** Cleaning pee off the wall that belongs to somebody else’s kid is not my cup of tea.

** I really need to do a better job of memorizing my hiding places since I JUST found two forgotten stocking stuffers.

** Stupid people are trying to take over the world.

** I really suck at jumping rope.

** Sitting down to eat is just NOT an option for me.

** Payback’s a total bitchhole.

** Women who make it all look soooo easy are either poppin’ happy pills or secretly chuggin’ go-go juice.

** Proper handwashing is a foreign concept to my children.

** Bribery is the key to successful parenting.

** There are currently 8,000 unsharpened pencils in my house.

** Playdates ROCK…if they’re at someone else’s house.

** The grass isn’t always greener on the other side cause it’s probably covered with dog poop.

** Getting a text from a friend who’s headed to Cannes when your own day’s gone to hell in a handbasket is a real kick in the arse.

** Cleaning is a complete waste of my time.

** I wanna rock n’ roll all night and party every day. But I live in the real world. So I don’t.

** Missing water bottles may or may not be found inside red rain boots.

** Men with long fingernails? Eww. Just eww.

** Kids go apeshit when they know one parental unit is down for the count.

** Despite what I might think, God does not give me more than I can handle.

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18 Responses

  1. I used to watch 18 Kids and Counting to see when the Mom would snap… no seriously!! She’s WAAAAY too happy.

    Not that I wish her grief but as a Mom I kept waiting for the snap or at least a rolled eye or something..

    Always chipper people worry me. You wonder what they’re on or when they’ll snap and just be normal for a while.

    M

  2. Ugh. Unsharpened pencils are the bane of my existence (same with crayons)

    and why clean when the kids will just go behind you and completely mess everything up again anyway.

    Happy Friday!

  3. Then don’t go in my yard…my New Foundland’s poop is like the size of a small child’s head. Must be good fertilizer because my grass is really green…Have a great weekend!

  4. I thought I was the only one with the pencil problem….every fliipin time I turn around there are more.

    And you’re right, cleaning is totally pointless.

    Have a great weekend.

  5. I was just moving furniture in a desperate attempt to find my missing debit card and found wrapped Christmas gifts that I forgot to hand out. I put them up for next Christmas.

  6. I was totally waiting for you to say “Don’t wipe your face with a towel unless you are completely 100% sure it’s yours.”

    Haha 🙂

  7. i hear ya about the pee. i tell anyone who comes into my house who does not sit down to pee that if they get it anywhere other than in the toilet bowl they clean it up with there tongue lol.

  8. I learned that when you need money for car repairs it helps to have a Savings account, a little self sacrifice, and a pinch of Praise to the above when you actually come out ahead and have money left over that you didn’t expect.

  9. WAIT! HOLD THE PRESSES! You STILL don’t sit and eat? Okay, this parenting thing is bullshit.
    Why didn’t someone tell me?
    And yes ew, men and long fingernails and everything else you said!

    I look forward to this post every Friday!

  10. Stupid people are definitely taking over the world!! Women who make it look easy ARE poppin something for sure!! Do you know where I can get some go-go juice?? I need EASY!!!

  11. ok, funny is hard most times of the day, but it is really f@$#*(ing hard after i’ve tweeted for three hours, tried to figure out how to “drive traffic” to my blog (only after letting my 15 yr old figure out how to drive IN traffic), and then doing the slideshow for the retiring principal at my kid’s school…YOU WIN! ha, ha, ha! damn you’re funny!

  12. we should have a jump rope contest. i bet i suck when more than you do. it is embarrassing!

    • I think that little kid in there is 10 x’s better than I am at the jump roping! It’s like I have lead feet or something.

  13. So what prompted the “stupid people trying to take over the world” lesson? Just a feeling that there is a rising tide of everyday idiocy? Or something specific?

    • I just keep running into stupid people everywhere who think they’re the only ones on the planet.

  14. ” Women who make it all look soooo easy are either poppin’ happy pills or secretly chuggin’ go-go juice.”

    EXCELLENT. As a military wife, I can tell you…there is LOTS of wine drinking to keep us sane 😛 Mostly from dealing with the stupid people taking over the planet.

    And you are 100% right, God will ABSOLUTELY not give us more than we can handle :).

    • Yay! You can totally share my room with my at the looney bin, cause you sound all kinds of awesome, lady friend! 🙂

  15. There is nothing wrong with happy pills. Right? Right!

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