Always Left of Lost

You may recall just how horrible I am with directions and that I am the queen of getting lost. So it’s probably no surprise then that driving in downtown Chicago generally scares the Hanky Pankies right off me. We live out in the burbs, so when I get downtown in the middle of all those big ass buildings, all the streets look just the same to me. And the cabbies? They drive like they’re playing bumper cars on the Indy 500 track. That’s why I was a wee bit concerned when I found out that I had to drive down and pick up my husband from his knee surgery yesterday morning.

Surprisingly, I was able to find the surgery center without any major issues. The parking garage, however, was a whole other story. It was like I’d entered a black hole of parked cars. I mean, really, why must they make those things so damn confusing?! I could NOT find my way out of that garage and into the proper office building for anything in this world. And unfortunately, I somehow managed to weave my way throughout every friggin’ floor of that mind-boggling structure of concrete.

At one point, I ended up in the damn condominium side of the building and even had a personal escort back towards the direction in which I needed to be going. And believe it or not, that STILL didn’t put me back on the right track. I then found myself entering the ground floor 7-Eleven of all frickin’ things. The barely audible cashier was kind enough to redirect me, only to lead me to a section marked “Employees Only” for the maintenance staff of the building. I’m pretty sure there were some cackles and eye rolling going on as I once again tucked my tail between my legs and retraced my clueless footsteps. Really, would it have killed these people to put up some damn maps to tell me where the hell I was for crap’s sakes?!

I was starting to wonder if my poor husband was gonna have to hitchhike his way back home after his surgery, when I FINALLY stumbled onto the actual surgery center office. Halle-freakin’-lujah! I was so relieved to be in the correct location after winding my way through that endless maze of confusion. I was barely able to even catch my breath before my husband was wheeled out of surgery and I was sent back to the recovery area with him. And I felt like crying when they told me to pull the car around and wait for him to be brought down by wheelchair. They clearly didn’t realize that I’d wound around the depths of HELL in order to get there in the first friggin’ place.

After some very careful backtracking, I miraculously found my way back to the car. (Seriously, I think I deserve an award or something for that heroic feat.) And when I pulled around to wait for my husband, I about peed my pants when someone out on the street approached ME of all people to ask for directions. I literally laughed out loud as I told the woman, “You are asking the WRONG person, lady!” Asking me to help you find your way is like asking Lindsay Lohan to teach you good manners.


19 Responses

  1. LOL “Fish are dying!”

    But srsly, I’m directionally dyslexic too. I’ve been lost in more than one parking lot.

  2. Ohhhhh, wow. I hate parking garages. Imagine my dismay when I found out – upon arriving for the appointment – that my ENT’s office had moved. Only to drive to find out that not only had he moved closer to the center of the city, but his office was in that shiny new medical complex. With THREE parking garages. After figuring out which of the four buildings I was supposed to be at, we had to pick which of the two parking garages we were going to park in. And ohhhh, man, did we ever get lost. We were where we were supposed to be, but lost. Frustrating!!!! I’m so glad you were able to find your way there and back!

    • I think they should have a personal tour guide permanently stationed in parking garages to help you find your way out of those damn things.

  3. I always get lost. My daugher thinks it hysterical because no matter what part of the mall I need to go to, I park in the same exact spot, it’s the only way I’ll ever find the car again.

  4. You sound like my husband. He really can’t find his way out of a paper bag. LOL.

  5. I sometimes take pictures of important markers so I can find my way back to the car.

    At the mall I always park in apprx the same place. Years ago I found a friend wandering around the parking lot. She had no idea where her SL500 was. It took us 10 minutes of driving around every level to find her car. Too funny.

    You are not alone.

    A r n e

  6. FYI…. I have b/g twins too. They are in college now. Enjoy the growing years. Keep a diary to ensure you can remember the fun times. You have very cute kids…love your dog too. He is picture perfect.

    A r n e

    • I didn’t know you have b/g twins too! Isn’t it the greatest?! Thanks for the nice compliments on the kids, btw — & the dog? Don’t let his cuteness fool you. He is my arch enemy! And as for the diary, this blog is pretty much a diary of at least the past year! 🙂

  7. I think parking garages are of the devil. Seriously. There’s a reason why so many horror/murder mystery movies/crime shows have their characters meet their untimely demise in one?

    I’m glad you found your way!

    • Yes! I always get freaked out and think I hear footsteps behind me from all the horror movies I’ve seen! Too flippin’ creepy!

  8. i have this recurring bad memory of being in the Disneyland parking lot as a kid and listening to my mom and dad fight over where the car was. I swear to God that we walked every aisle twice before finding the car and only after the parking lot was nearly empty. How the hell hard was it to find a green Oldsmobile station wagon with that shitty green paneling on the side? Apparently pretty difficult…

    • Think about it — that shitty green paneling was MONEY back in the day, so there were probably hoards of them in that damn parking lot! Plus, they didn’t have the keychain remotes back then that you could click a thousand times to follow the sound. Thank God for modern technology & better looking family trucksters…. 😉

      • It was a 20 minute drive from our house to Disneyland and I swear that at 8 or 9 years old I could have walked home in less time than it took us to find that dope ride of ours….

      • But then someone could’ve stolen that sweet ass ride of yours if you left it all alone in that ginormous parking lot….

  9. So glad I found your blog! Hilarious! I ALWAYS get tied up in the parking garages in downtown Los Angeles. It’s like a freaky Twilight Zone episode where no matter how much you are going “up” the ramps, you still remain on level P7.

    Thanks for the laughs. Gonna read some more!

    • Yay! I’m so glad you found my blog too! Always love getting new readers! Hopefully, you dig even more of my nucking futty stories & keep coming back again & again! 😉

  10. Oh, I can so relate. I can’t find my way out of my own backyard. I had to take my Grandma to Northwestern for surgery and hubby to Methodist in Indy for surgery. If I didn’t laugh, I would have cried, well balled really. And in fact, I did!

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