No Holdin’ Back

At what point in our development do we actually start giving a shit what other people think about us? I often find myself a little envious of kids and their ability to just say and do whatever they’re feeling without regard for whoever’s around them. They have absolutely no filter whatsoever, so they call it like they see it and do it when they feel it.

Take for example my son at his soccer practice last weekend. The kid clearly had to take a whiz, given that he was squeezing his johnson like a damn water hose; however, he insisted that he didn’t need to go. But after a few more minutes of watching him hop around, my husband finally persuaded him to take a trip to the Port-A-Potty with him. When they were about halfway to the can, my son decided to save himself some time and go ahead and drop trow as he was running. He scurried right along, peter waving in the breeze, while horrified girls in soccer duds watched from a distance. My son, Mr. One Track Mind, was oblivious, though, since he only had his eye on the prize.

Also this past weekend, there was the girl at my daughter’s birthday party who apparently didn’t care for the game we were playing. Rather than keeping her thoughts to herself, she blurted out, “This is soooooo boring.” And I didn’t hear this little phrase out of Negative Nancy’s mouth just one time. Oh no, she made sure she repeated it over and over and over again. I REALLY had to work hard to bite my tongue with that one, but you see, MY mama taught ME to not say anything at all if I can’t say anything nice.

My daughter is particularly skilled at saying anything and everything that’s on her little mind. In the span of just a few hours one day, the girl told me that my teeth were yellow, I had bad breath, and my hair looked like a wild woman’s. Way to make the woman WHO GAVE BIRTH TO YOU feel like a rock star! I know that she doesn’t mean any harm, but I still made sure to brush my teeth, throw on some whitening strips, and run a brush through my hair just in case.

And then there’s the constant public proclamations by BOTH of my kids about what they need to do in the bathroom. We could be in the middle of a ridiculously crowded restaurant or standing in a long-ass line at the grocery store, and neither one of them has even the slightest qualm about screaming out, “I GOTTA POOOOOOOOP!!!!!” It’s beyond awesome to have all eyes on you while your kid’s hand is crammed up his ass crack.

As embarrassing as it might seem at times, though, think about how liberating it would be if, as adults, we could share that same no-holds barred attitude toward society. You hate the sweater your mother-in-law gave you for Christmas? Tell her you wouldn’t use it to clean your toilets! You’re trying to get out of a dinner date with your creepy neighbors? Tell them they are the constant stars of your nightmares! Your husband asks if the sex was good for you even though you accidentally nodded off in the middle of it? Tell him you had a better orgasm at yoga the other day. I’d love to just speak my mind, if only just for a day. Something tells me, though, that I’d find out a whole new LITERAL meaning for the phrase “roll with the punches” if I did….


24 Responses

  1. Liberating. I keep all my real thought in a diary, as Oscar Wilde said, “to have something sensational to read on the train.” 😉

    • That’s a great idea to just write down all the things you can’t say out loud. Oscar Wilde had the right idea. 😉

  2. The whole ‘when do we start to care’ question is one I ask myself a lot. And, like you, I’d like to roll the clock back to the day before I worked it out. But social niceties are what makes the world go round. Look how much we hate it when old people start telling us what they really think… oh wait, does this mean we’re, um, heading downhill?

    • I sure hope I’m not a crotchety old lady! I wanna be the cool old lady who has a busy social calendar! Bingo & bridge games galore!

  3. OUCH! Well I did this once with my MIL- she hates me anyway so what the hell?! It was liberating..and you know she didn’t come at me with digs every five minutes when I threw the truth back her way every now and again. We had a year or so like this (about 7 years ago)’s all good now. I sure don’t think it hurt to tell it like it is!

    • I’m sure that was liberating to just let that out — especially if your MIL normally made digs at you constantly. That would get REALLY old & would be very hard to bite your tongue all the time.

  4. The “ass crack ” visual is gonna stick for awhile-that’s hilarious!

  5. Hee hee! Reminds me of the time my son saw a (slightly plump) woman dressed in leopard mini skirt, bustier & fishnet stockings, and asked, “Why is that lady wearing her underwear on the outside?”

    Thank goodness we were in the car with the windows rolled up!

    • Haha! Love your son’s comment! My daughter saw a guy with a ponytail and asked me why he wanted to have girl hair. Kids just tell it like it is!

  6. I had a woman over the other day who walked into my dining room and said, “Oh my god, I HATE this color.”

    My first thought? How awesome to just go around with no filter between thought and speaking.

    Second thought? It would be very lonely.

    Because I did not put this woman on my list of people I’d like to get to know better.

    • Sheesh! I can’t believe she just came right out & said that about your dining room! Unsolicited opinions are just outright RUDE. I don’t blame you on putting her on your list of people to keep at arm’s distance. Ick.

  7. “peter waving in the breeze” good lord, boys are wonderful! nearly spewed coffee on the laptop several times.

    i think if i let the filter go, i would just sound insane instead of unfiltered, but oh, to think of it!

    • I know, the unfiltered thing is a little scary to think about (especially cause I hate to hurt people’s feelings), but I just think it would be so freeing not to have to bottle things up for a change!

  8. I love handwashcold’s comment!
    When my boyfriend’s daughter says something like that I just nicely explain that some people don’t have friends who will tell them a truth or they must be so poor they can’t afford a mirror….

    My give a shit meter stops giving a shit when I get to the point where I’m forced to be fake. If I can just keep my mouth shut, we’re doing okay, but if someone asks me a direct question, I’m honest. I don’t sugar coat. Because then when they do find out that their sweater is the most hideous think ever worn, I don’t want them to think “but Rose said it looked great on me!”

    • I hear ya loud & clear about the fakeness thing. There are WAY too many fake people in this world. If you don’t want to know the honest answer to a question, then don’t ask. 🙂

  9. This was a pot of gold! Loved it! Reminded my of The Invention of Lying. Talk about honesty!

    Please don’t ever stop posting, I love your writing!

    • Thank you so much for your awesomely kind compliment! I’ve never seen The Invention of Lying — gonna have to check that one out.

  10. You know how your stomach kind of drops when you take off in an airplane or you roll over a hoop-de-doo in a car? One day, with both my boys in tow, we were taking a moderately full elevator to the top floor of a high rise. When we stopped on the floor, both boys screamed “Oh! My penis!”

    Yeah, apparently it’s not just the stomach that drops.

    • Haha! Yeah, unfortunately, boys like to bring up any and all talk of penises no matter where you are — public be damned! 🙂

  11. Have you seen “The Invention of Lying”? So-so movie but it shows what life would be like if we had no filter.

    Oh! You’re early. I was just masturbating. Please come in.

    • Haha! That’s a good one! I have not seen that movie, but someone else mentioned it too. Gonna have to check it out….

  12. Ohhhh, I wish my filter would break completely off. Sadly, it hasn’t. And I wish it would just give up already. I swear I’ve gnawed my tongue off on more than one occasion.

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