Things I’ve Learned This Week

** I need a vacation from my vacation.

** My son’s hand is attached to his penis no less than 15 hours a day.

** Tiger Woods is an ass wipe.  (Ok, so I already knew this, but his creepy new Nike ad proved this yet again.)

** A trip to the car wash is immediately followed by multiple days of rain.

** My head will no doubt spontaneously combust during the hours of 5-8 p.m. at night.

** Mario Lopez has his own talk show?  WTF?!

** A guardian angel is looking out for my family.  (See The Glass Explosion post.)

** Something very very evil is out to get my family.  (See The Glass Explosion post.)

** Tupac and Elvis may be hiding under my daughter’s bed with all the crap she’s shoved underneath there.

** I see much better in hindsight.

** Homework time is to me what daylight is to a vampire.

** Margarita withdrawal really really sucks.

** Mud is not my friend.

** I can successfully take a quick shower when my kids have a playdate over here without someone walking in and seeing my girly goods (although I have a feeling this was a one time deal).

** There ain’t enough caffeine in all the damn world to fuel this mother ship.

** Nobody around here is sweetie enough to wipe the seatie after they sprinkle when they tinkle.

** There are way too many shameless people in this freaking world.

** I could totally start a wig company with all the loose hair that falls out of my head every day.

** I have a teensy weensy crush on Rihanna.  Yes, yes I do.

** My kids are either trying to give me a heart attack or make me piss my pants.  (The sneaking up on me thing has REALLY got to stop.)

** Despite what I might think, God does not give me more than I can handle.

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7 Responses

  1. As always, a highlight of my week. And what up with that whole kids sneaking up thing? My son is constantly doing that to me. I hope that phase ends soon.

  2. Hahaha! You had me at “Determination”. Are you always this crazy funny! Thanks for the laugh.

  3. wow, I just posted that “I need a vacation from my vacation” thing yesterday…

  4. CVS has peed-a-little pads on sale this week. Just thought I’d share.

  5. I’d seriously find a way to consume more tequila, if I were you.

    May the seat of your toilet no longer be wet! (yeah, that was pretty crappy, must be the end of the day!)

  6. I heart you and wish I lived next-door so I could give you a break and share cocktail hour with you!

  7. These never fail to entertain me, NFM.

    🙂

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