Things I’ve Learned This Week

** Nobody picked up their dog’s shit this winter.  (And please don’t ask my shoe how it knows this — it’s still bitter about it.)

** My son knows WAY too much information about his friend’s balls.

** Leprechauns are impossible to catch (and thank God for that!)

** Tired is apparently my middle name.

** Starbucks makes me think about sex.  (Just try to tell me that “Sumatra” blend doesn’t make YOU want to crank up the Barry White tunes?)

** Somebody in my hot yoga class needs to stock up on Beano.

** I’m not the only one who’s damaged my hoo-ha while trying to take personal grooming into my own hands.

** Octomom could lose her house for failing to pay her mortgage — what a shocker since SHE HAS NO FREAKING JOB!!!!

**  It is entirely possible to wear your thong backwards all day long and not realize it.

** I run way faster when I’m pissed off.

** My kids REALLY pay attention to song lyrics.  (Yeah, thanks Katy Perry for inspiring the “Mommy, have you ever kissed a girl?” conversation.)

** Sandra Bullock’s husband likes tattooed armpits, while I just prefer deodorant on mine.

** OPI’s “You Don’t Know Jacques” is now my new favorite nail polish.  Google it and you’ll see why.

** You can cut off a dog’s balls, but you can’t cut off his mojo (horny little bastard).

**  It’s way more fun to play Wii in nothing but your underwear.

** We have a bionic pet fish who is never ever going to die (dammit!)

** The members of my household listen to about 1.5% of what I say.

** NyQuil makes me look like a bug-eyed crack whore the next day.

** The rocking chair on our front porch has become a shitter for squirrels.

** There are only a few things better than a REALLY good scalp massage.

** I should really buy my last shred of sanity a drink.

** Despite what I may think, God does not give me more than I can handle.

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11 Responses

  1. LMAO I love this entry.

    Wow, I hadn’t heard about Octomom. You just informed me! I’m not a bit surprised either.

    I also have a feeling that some of these key words will be picked up in a really interesting search. Hehe.

  2. Regarding the fish that would die: it reminded me of a story one of my junior high students wrote and shared a couple of years ago. One of his chores was to clean out the fish bowl. Tired of this, he created a short cut: he’d leave the fish in the bowl, gently tip it over the sink while running fresh water into the bowl. You guessed it: down went Goldie into our city’s sewer system.

    Happy cleaning your fish bowl…

  3. regarding personal grooming:
    a handy beard trimmer.
    three shots of cheap vodka.
    and the music of captain and tennille.

    these are my friday nights.
    they are legendary around these parts.
    “these parts” being the twig & berries.

    *respekt*

  4. Great post!

    May your next week be better!

    • Thank you! I start off each week thinking it can’t be worse than the last week — sometimes it is & sometimes it isn’t. Always a crap shoot! 🙂

  5. Ha! This is great and very educational! Great post as always!

  6. You never fail to make me laugh. Great blog!

  7. “** It is entirely possible to wear your thong backwards all day long and not realize it.”

    HOW???

    There are some things NOT designed to be lifted and separated!

    • Surprisingly, it is possible. Have you ever worn a Hanky Panky low-rise thong? They are seriously the most comfortable things on the earth, whether forwards or backwards. I really should be a spokesmodel, don’t ya think? 😉

  8. I’ve learned that I am CURSED this week. and next week my *almost* 12 yo gets to go to her 6th funeral. Argh!!!!

    • Oh no! Did you have a lot of deaths in your family recently? I’m so so sorry, if so! I hope your week gets better.

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