The Mojo Removal


     So Friday was the big day.  It was finally the day that the demon dog did, in fact, have his balls chopped off.  And as you can probably imagine, my kids have had an extremely difficult time trying to wrap their six-year-old brains around this whole concept.  Naturally, their questions only multiplied when I had no other choice but to take them with me to pick the dog up from the vet that evening.

     When we arrived at the office, the waiting room was abuzz with people coming and going with their cats and dogs.  My kids, who were already bouncing off the walls with Friday energy, immediately felt a magnetic pull to the giant jar of lollipops sitting on the counter, cause, of course, you know, sugar was TOTALLY what they needed to add more fuel to their already raging fire.  I paid my right arm and left leg for the bill (cause it apparently costs a small fortune to lop someone’s manjigglies off) and hopped over to a corner to wait.  After a few minutes of arguing with my lunatic children to pipe the hell down, a technician finally brought out our ball-less wonder.

     I expected the dog to have one of those Elizabethan collar thingamajigs, but he surprisingly did not.  The vet tech launched into an explanation about big dogs not really needing the collar and how we were supposed to keep a close eye on him and make sure he didn’t jump around too much and get all excited.  (Ha!  What a freaking joke!)  I was having a tough time focusing on all the post-op instructions, what with the dog jumping around and getting all excited and everything, not to mention the fact that my daughter was poking me in the leg, saying, “Mommy! Mommy!” over and over and over again.  I finally had to interrupt the technician, only to have my daughter lean into my ear and whisper, “What are they gonna do with Wrigley’s balls now?”  I calmly counted to ten and told her that we’d talk about it later so that I could finish listening to the directions.

     Meanwhile, I happened to notice that my son was inching his way toward the back of the office.  When I saw him disappear through the door to the examination area, I had to stop the technician yet again to retrieve my little curious wanderer.  He was evidently going to see if he could hunt down the dog’s love spuds for himself.  Perhaps he thought they’d make a nice addition to his marble collection or something.  I dragged him out to the waiting room area and secretly wished a glass of wine would somehow find its way into my hand.  I probably only ended up hearing about half of what the poor and very annoyed technician was trying to tell me, but we somehow made it out the door and to the car.

     And that’s when all the questions started:  Why does Wrigley still have his penis? Weren’t they supposed to cut that off too?  What’s inside Wrigley’s balls?  How’s he gonna pee now?  Will his balls grow back again?  Why don’t girl dogs have balls? Why does it look like he still has one giant ball?  I tried to answer each one as patiently and with as little detail as possible since I knew that it’s not the easiest idea to comprehend.  Hell, my husband’s still having a tough time trying to understand why we took away the pooch’s mojo.  The ironic thing is that Wrigley didn’t seem to get the memo about the removal of his manhood.  The little bastard is still humping his stuffed girlfriend Betty like a horny teenager on date night.  Guess he’s just not going down without a fight.


5 Responses

  1. Hilarious! The neutering never helped our dog…he had a honey bunny that he humped all the time. Barry insists that when the time comes only a female dog will do. He wants the dog to look like Snoopy…no man parts hanging out.

  2. Okay… I have a female dog who was neutered several years before the 1st kid came long…. but the questions your kids asked had me rolling. My girls are just starting to notice what they’d call “boys tushies”… and they giggle like they’re the funniest things they’ve ever seen. I can only imagine how good that glass of wine tasted that night!

    And hubby out of town for awhile… 6 weeks coming up. I can so relate!

  3. My min-pin was neutered years ago, and he still has “relations’ with his stuffed monkey. He does looked ashamed if he’s caught in flagrante. I’m new to your site. Love your posts.

    • Well welcome to my collection of crazy ramblings! I hope you dig them enough to come back and check out more of my nucking futtiness. 🙂

    • Well, thanks for checking out my little blog! Sounds like your dog’s stuffed monkey & my pup’s stuffed polar bear should get together to commiserate! Hope you come back here again to check out my future ramblings! 🙂

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