Things I’ve Learned This Week

** Nobody ever rings our doorbell until I’m in the shower.

** Satan himself climbed on our roof and dropped a big germ turd down our chimney.

** Cabin fever can make you have deep, meaningful conversations with your ceiling fans.

** Eggs do not go in the pantry.

** Milk does not either.

** I am not the dog whisperer.

** Brangelina are turning Shiloh into a cross-dresser.

 ** My daughter hates to puke almost as much as I do.

** Unfortunately, toothpicks do not hold my eyelids open.

** I have a dog nose in my ass at least 15 out of the 24 hours in each day.

** If there’s a mud puddle anywhere in sight, my son will not only hunt it down but also do a cannonball into it.

** I will never see my kitchen counter again.

** Kate Gosselin cares more about her dancing shoes than she does her kids.

** I no longer know what day of the week it is, and I’m too tired to care.

** Not even Google knows why girls don’t have penises, at least according to my son, anyway.

** I’m way overdue for highlights — the Pamela Anderson look’s not working so well for me.

** “Pimple” is a really funny word if you’re six years old.

** I see dead people.

** I need to put an eternal lockdown on “Calliou” & “Sid the Science Kid” from EVER popping onto our t.v. screens.

** Patience is a virtue, and I’m not very virtuous anymore.

** I should REALLY be paid by the hour.

** Despite what I may think, God does not give me more than I can handle.


11 Responses

  1. O how I love you and your blog posts ❤

    • Aww, you totally made my day! I love that you’re one of my loyal readers! Can’t wait to see more pics of your new little cutie! 🙂

  2. Hilarious! I’m glad to hear I’m not the only one with an absentee countertop.

  3. These are my new favorite posts. Thanks for sharing your wisdom- I’m just hoping God grades on a curve 🙂

    • I’m so glad you’re digging these new posts! They’re kind of like a “holy crap, how did I make it through all of that?!” type of reflective thing for me. 😉

  4. You make me laugh. Har, har, har, har.
    And what is this “patience” thing you speak of?

    • I’m glad to hear that I made you laugh — it’s my favorite thing to do! And “patience”? Beats me what it is. I haven’t had any for YEARS! 😉

  5. You continue to light up my week. LOL! These are amazing lessons…. : )

    • Well you just lit up my week with that super nice comment! As always, thanks so much for reading — I sincerely appreciate it! 🙂

  6. So glad I stopped by. You are such a gifted writer…. you know just the right combination of humor and reality to keep your posts slightly habit forming. I know I’m hooked. I also know that while I can relate to each of your posts, I am SO grateful those days are behind me. You’ll be happy to know you will come out of this normal. You’ll be happy to know you will come out of this normal. You’ll be happy to know you will come out of this normal. You’ll be happy….what? Oh sorry. 😉

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