Bye Bye Balls

     It used to be that the hot topic in my household was the penis.  Lately, however, it’s switched to the balls.  Personally, I don’t see what all the fuss is about, but I guess they are a rather odd-looking sight.  I mean, you gotta admit that there’s a striking similarity to the gobbler of this guy:

And my kids think they’re absolutely hysterical.  My son even likes to make up jokes about them (“Why did Tigger have balls?  So he could play with them!”)  All this fascination with the nards has only increased with the arrival of the demon dog’s second testicle, which finally made its grand entry into the world a few weeks ago.

     So now that Wrigley’s got a complete set of bean bags, we have begun to discuss whether or not to neuter him.  My husband is all about protecting the family jewels, so he is actually against the whole idea.  He doesn’t see the need to cut off something that’s never even gonna be used in the first place. The fact that he’s never going to be doing the wild thing with another dog (that is, at least if I have anything to say about it anyway) is reason enough for my husband to insist on keeping things in tact.  I, however, completely disagree.  The older the dog gets, the more he’s into humping.  His poor polar bear, Betty, now looks like she’s been ridden hard and put away wet.  

And it doesn’t help that my husband totally encourages this mounting of old Betty.  Just last night, I felt like doggy porn was being filmed in my family room, as my husband decided to add running commentary to the dog trying to doink the polar bear.  He thought it was hilarious, while I thought it was all more than just a little disturbing.

     Needless to say, I made the call this morning to schedule the removal of the giggle berries.  Call me crazy, but I don’t really want a pet who goes to town on my guests’ legs while they’re visiting.  And now that the surgery is set, I’ve gotta figure out just how I’m gonna explain this whole ordeal to the kids.  I discovered last week that they’ve already heard us talking about it cause I caught my daughter telling her playdate, “My dog’s gonna have his balls chopped off soon.”  Past experience has proven that kids tend to get things mixed up, so I need to be sure that they understand that this is just something that’s gonna happen to the dog and NOT to my son.  

     Unfortunately, I have a feeling that we’ll be dipping our toes into the whole “how babies are made” pool, and I’m not really looking forward to the barrage of questions that are sure to follow that discussion.  It’s an inevitable part of parenting, though, so I’m gonna have to just put on my game face and go with the flow.  Let’s just hope the kids don’t tell Wrigley about all the fun he’ll be missing without his love spuds.

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13 Responses

  1. Just a warning, my dog had his balls chopped off. Sure as heck didn’t stop him from going to town on guests legs. One friend in particular, he had a strange obsession with.

    • That happened with my parents’ dog too. He still liked to steal stuffed animals on my bed and put on a show for guests. Good times. I pray this puppy’s different!

  2. “Why did Tigger have balls? So he could play with them!”

    C’mon…that’s FUNNY! Heh…

    • I have to say that my son did come up with a pretty funny joke. It was much better than his knock-knock jokes. 🙂

  3. Funny!
    Makes me ponder all the names we have for these lucky charms…
    love spuds
    giggle berries
    dingle balls
    ….it’s endless!
    **snort**

    • Isn’t it fun to think of new words for balls?
      twig & berries
      Cracker Jacks
      goodie bags
      nap sacks
      Snickerdoodles

  4. Neuter that puppy! Helps dogs not get to an aggressive state more than helps with humping (which is just a sign of dominance, not sexual). I don’t envy you the explanation, though. I’ve got a few years before that rolls around… I’d consider leaving it to dad, but then who KNOWS what the kids would learn!

    • He is scheduled for the snip snip in the middle of March. Hubby’s still soooo against it, but I’m overriding his opinion. The dog’s still so nippy with the kids, & I’m hoping that calms him down a bit.

  5. We talk a lot about balls at my house, too. I’m the only one without them in my household. I’m doomed!

  6. I am dying to know what you tell them, so they understand. It is crazy how fast these parenting ‘conversations’ sneak up!

    Before kids I was so naïve, that I only thought there was one discussion about the birds and the bees needed. HA!

  7. Hi. Just simply planned to send you a note to let you realize you have numerous true fans in existence.

    • Well thank you for totally making my day with that super nice note about me having true fans! That brought such a huge smile to my face! 🙂

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