Reality Bites


     Ever feel like you’ve been chewed up and spit out by a garbage disposal?  Or sucker-punched by that crazy son of a bitch Mike Tyson?  Or knocked around all over the place like a damn hockey puck?  If so, then you can commiserate with me and my post-vacation jolt into reality.  If not, then you suck, and I might claw your eyes out to steal your secret to inner peace and happiness.

     We’ve all heard that term, “I need a vacation from my vacation.”  And this saying could not ring more true for parents of small children who return home from a kid-free vacation.  It’s like the short people feel the need to make up for lost time and put on their very WORST behavior all for your benefit. You come back all relaxed and smiley and dreaming about guacamole, and then < WHAM! > all hell breaks loose right before you.  They’re fighting, they’re whining, they’re total pains in the asses.  Their new favorite hobby seems to be driving you up a freaking tree.  

     And as if that wasn’t bad enough, the half-pints appear to have conspired with the dog, cause he, too, has decided to poop all over your parade.  He’s biting every inch of your ass, he’s eating everything from crayons to report cards, and he’s on his way to being auctioned off to the first person to make an offer.  You truly wonder if Satan himself possessed the water supply while you’re gone, because it seems as if your entire family has been demonized.

     Then there’s the toppling towers of mail and laundry that have accumulated in your absence.  It’s as if every piece of junk mail in the entire universe somehow made its way into your mailbox within the span of just a few days.  And you can’t help but speculate if the neighbors decided to dump all their dirty clothes into YOUR hampers while you were away.  Getting either of these piles to disappear seems even more impossible than getting Paris Hilton to wear underwear.

     Unfortunately, as much as you try to fight it, the overwhelming feeling of reality absolutely takes over that relaxed vacation feeling you had just days ago.  And before you know it, your happy-go-lucky vibe is replaced with your usual get-me-the-eff-outta-here vibe.  Life and all its frustrations makes your get-away feel like light years ago.  Maybe that’s why we appreciate those rare opportunities so much.  I’m already jonesin’ for the next one.


9 Responses

  1. i could not stop laughing! or wanting chips and salsa! great entry!

  2. Gosh I love your brutal honesty. You said every single thing I’ve felt all week, right down to the dog – who ate a pair of jeans, workout pants and 3 kids toys.

    • The dog ate your jeans?! That is grounds for war! Sounds like your house is a lot like ours — when it rains, it freaking monsoons! 🙂

  3. Soooo true!!! Love it.

  4. Welcome home!

    Just realized you have 5yo twins (like me), you’re an English teacher (me too), and you question your sanity related to your kids (completely me).

    Here’s to all of us surviving…at least tonight…

    • Wow! We have so many things in common! Maybe you were my Siamese twin separated at birth! We should toast each other with a glass of wine — to keeping our last shred of sanity! Cheers! 🙂

  5. i hope you had fun. i saw a twit pic that looked pretty damn sweet. don’t worry about the shorties. you’ll get used to them again. lovie and me are sneaking away to a mountain cabin w/out any of our four kids tomorrow night. we’re fired up about it. happy valentine’s day, NFM.

    • It was a total blast! Did you see the pics from the trip? I posted them on my blog last Thursday. I am now in love with mango margaritas! Hope you & the wifey enjoyed your Valentine’s get-away! 🙂

  6. Hi there I like your post

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