Chores That Can Bite Me

     I know there are some cuckoo freaks of nature out there who actually get off on doing housework, but I am most certainly not one of them.  In fact, there are several household chores that just make me wanna jam a hot poker stick in my eye.  I’m sure I could create a pretty lengthy list if I had the energy, but I don’t, so here are the ones I detest the most:  unloading the dishwasher, folding the laundry, and emptying the trash.

     In our house, the dishwasher fills up pretty quickly.  And it doesn’t help that my kids somehow end up using 50 different cups throughout the course of a day either.  It’s like they completely overlook the fact that they already have 5 cups sitting on the counter RIGHT NEXT TO THE FREAKING FRIDGE when they get out yet another stinkin’ cup for water.  So, in turn, we end up having to run the dishwasher pretty much every single day, and unfortunately, all those clean dishes haven’t learned to put themselves away quite yet.   And this is where my hatred comes in.  For most people, this might not be such a big deal, but for me, I’ve got to try to block the dog from getting in the dishwasher and licking every damn fork, knife and spoon that he can get his tongue on.  What’s the point of cleaning the dishes at all if this little shit-eater’s just gonna end up french-kissing all of them in the long run?  

     And then we have the laundry, that never-ending pile of poison that multiplies by the second.  I often wonder if my kids are bringing home their friends’ clothes for me to wash, because I honestly don’t know where it all comes from.  The separating, the stain treating, the folding — it all just sucks ass.  I end up having to split up the whole process into more do-able stages, just to keep from purposely suffocating myself with dryer sheets.  The final stage of the process, the putting away phase, always ends up to be a lesson in procrastination.  The longer it sits there staring at me to put it away, the more I feel like it’s telling me to kiss its Downy fresh ass.  And by the time I finally do get around to putting it all in its rightful place, there’s a whole new mountain of dirties to tackle once again.  It. Never. Freaking. Ends.  

     Finally, the third chore that absolutely makes my nose hairs stand on end is the trash.  This is mostly because we are one trashy family.  It’s like we’re constantly running out of shit at the EXACT SAME TIME.  How does that even happen?  Do the orange juice, milk, Cocoa Puffs, AND waffles all have a little pow-wow and decide to meet up in the trash at 8 a.m. or something?  And once they do all congregate in that can, there’s not a whole lot of room for anything else to fit in there.  It’s like trying to fit a family of eight into a Smart Car.  I’m thinking a trash compactor would totally make my life a lot easier. But since I don’t actually have a compactor, I have to do a whole lot of smashing.  You see, I’ll do anything to avoid having to take it out to the alley because that is a task I’ve delegated to the Mr.

     Unfortunately, as much as I loathe these three things, I’ve come to realize that I have no choice but to suck it up and do ’em anyway.  I know for a fact that neither my husband nor my kids would ever even bat an eye if none of these things were ever done again.  They’d eat with their fingers if all the silverware was dirty, they’d turn their underwear inside out if their clothes weren’t clean, and they’d turn the kitchen floor into an oversized dumping ground if the trash was never emptied.  They’d end up on some bizarre E! reality show and be known as the Nucking Futs Pigs.  What a legacy for me to leave behind, huh?



16 Responses

  1. LOVE THIS POST! The laundry eating one sock out of every pair can suck my left tit, as well.

    Cheers! 😉

  2. Seriously, those are my absolute LEAST favorite too! I have convinced my husband that Trash should be his job, so he took that one over (most the time) and he won’t fold laundry (at least not the way I like it done) so I do that but he will sometimes put it away, which I guess is a decent compromise. The dishes though… totally on my own. HATE! We had to get rid of our dogs so that fixed that problem (my German shepherd liked to literally get IN the dishwasher when he was a puppy and as he got bigger, that got less and less cute) but I still hate unloading it, and Lord help me if the dishwasher is clean and then I find out Greg put a dirty fork in there (but naturally can’t remember which one) and I have to REwash the silverware! arghhh

  3. You picked my top three most hated chores in the house. I would actually rather clean the bathroom than do all three of those in one day. Unloading the dishwasher take THREE TIMES as long as it should due to the dog and the toddlers climbing and pulling and taking and licking and and and…it makes me Nucking Futs, too. All of it. There is just too much damn housework and I can’t keep up. But it’s all I can try to do. Because in NOT keeping up, I might as well move out–the house would be unsuitable for human residence in the matter of a month, or less.

  4. I’m the dishes guy — I’m usually doing them at night because I’m pretty specific about how they’re done and so forth, and I don’t generally mind them, except the pile DOES seem to be rather large at times and it’s daunting to get through. But when it’s done, I’m pretty darn happy about it.

    I’m ok with DOING laundry, I’m just not much of a folder. If it was up to me, I’d live mostly out of a basket. I just don’t see the point.

    I hate cleaning bathrooms. Scrubbing toilets and so forth is not my idea of a party. But yeah, as an adult and father, I suck it up, but…if I had my druthers….I’d rather be drinking.

  5. LAUNDRY. I will do anything else but I hate laundry and my garage and lack of clean clothes show for it.

  6. I hate it all! I have a 7 year old who doesn’t eat- just drinks a meal replacement (he has autism) and I HATE making the mix and cleaning the mixer afterwards. It smells soooo bad! I hate cleaning the bathrooms with 4 boys in the house and I hate scooping the dog poop in the yard. What a glamorous life we lead.

  7. i have cute little hand towels that say “a clean house is the sign of a wasted life”

  8. My husband gives me crap because I too am a stuffer. I would rather step in the garbage 5 times a day than take it out. It’s HIS job. If he dosen’t like my own version of a trash compactor, he should take it out more often.

  9. I love doing chores! Really! I feel so calm and the house is so neat afterwards. I don’t really understand dusting though.

  10. First off, let me just say that ALL household chores suck with the fury of a thousand demons. Anyone who “enjoys” housework should be declared legally insane and a menace to society.

    That being said, the one guaranteed to make me stabby, beyond all others, is dusting. I’ll gladly do laundry, empty the dishwasher, pick up the dog shit in the yard, even clean the kids’ toilet before I will willingly dust.

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  12. Vacuuming. This is the most pointless thing I’ve ever done in my life. Push something with a motor back and forth across carpet, it makes that weird high pitched whining sound, turn vacuum off, pull sock out, turn vacuum on, push back and forth, it makes that sound again. Seriously, what’s the point? I hate carpet, vacuums and my poodle who lunges at the vacuum barking and biting.

  13. I actually posted on the same topic not too long ago 🙂

  14. I just love your blog. I have just added it to my blogroll.

  15. We don’t have a dishwasher so I REALLY hate dishes. Recently that chore has been delegated to my 12-year-old. She hates it as much as I do. My response “why do you think I had kids anywyay?” Laundry isn’t so bad since I wash, dry and separate into baskets for each person. I put away mine and the baby’s. A does her’s and K’s and hubbie does his. If you want it washed it must be in the laundry room. If you want clean clothes your basket must be returned there as well. Easy Breezy, lol. Trash is hubbie’s job and he does it very well. I don’t even know how often it goes outside, just know it has to be at the road on Monday. I remind him, but I don’t do it. The chore I despise and hate and can’t stand and try to talk my way out of every single time is the bathroom. I don’t even like our bathroom (in this tiny rental house) so I really don’t like cleaning it. Plus there is carpet….in the damn bathroom, I kid you not. How stupid, I know!

  16. ugh…Bathrooms & Floors.

    I taught my oldest daughter to do the dishes last year, and even though I still have to go behind her and redo some things, I still leave them for her. My youngest had a friend over that said to me, “you have a LOT of dishes in your sink. You should do the dishes.” Thanks. but no thanks. Then my oldest asks, “What are you gonna do when I’m not here anymore?” ….who does she think did the dishes before??? (and when did I become my mother???)

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