Kids Say The Darndest Things

   

      There’s a reason why Bill Cosby had such a successful show — kids really do say the darndest things.  You just never know what’s gonna come out of their mouths at any given moment.  While I haven’t always been the best at keeping baby books or recording special moments on paper, I have tried to make mental notes of some of the crazy things my own kids have said along the way.  Here are just a few of some of my favorites:

** Daughter:  “When am I gonna get big boobs like Daddy?”

** Son:  “Why is my peeper so big in the morning?”

** Daughter:  “God gave me my highlights, but Mommy has to pay for hers.”

 ** Son:  “A kiss is water, but a hug is love.”

 ** Daughter:  “Why do you like to have a wedgie all the time, Mommy?”

** Son:  “I can run faster than anybody in the whole entire universe.”

** Daughter:  “When are you & Daddy gonna live in different houses?”

** Son:  “God must be super duper old.”

** Daughter:  “There wasn’t any sound on t.v. in the olden days when Mommy grew up.”

** Son:  “Will I have fur like Daddy some day?” 

** Daughter:  “I don’t think they’re gonna have wine at the school picnic, Mommy.”

** Son:  “Mommy, I love you even more than Wii.”

** Daugher:  “We keep Pappaw’s bones on our mantel.”

** Son:  “My peeper looks like a bobble head.”

** Daughter:  “Do boogers have Vitamin C?”

** Son:  “I pooped out a letter J!”

** Daughter:  “When is my skin gonna grow old like yours?”

 ** Son:  “My boyfriend and I are gonna adopt a baby together some day.”

** Daughter:  “Maybe you’ve had too much caffeine today, Mommy.”

** Son:  “My tummy’s telling me it wants M&M’s.”

** Daughter:  “Don’t tell me anything exciting at bedtime or else I won’t go to sleep.” 

WHAT ARE SOME OF YOUR FAVORITES FROM YOUR OWN KIDS?


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43 Responses

  1. Me to my four-year-old son: “I think you’re up late.”
    My son: “I am not a plate!”
    Me: “No, I said you’re UP LATE.”
    My sone: “I think you’re a smack talker.”

  2. “Mommy, you can have my broccoli because I love you so much”

    DD: The dog scratched me Mommy!
    Me: Who?
    DD: THE DOGGY! That one, right there, in the black and white and brown!!

    “Nana, why is your skin so squishy?”

    DD (to the lady waiting outside Walmart): Why do you have a mustache?

    “Mommy, you can’t cry at my wedding because you will make me cry and that will just make me a MESS!!!”

  3. Younger son to my friend: “Oh, your name’s VA-nitia, like VA-gina, not BA-gina, right Mommy?”

    Or both of them in an elevator full of people, grabbing their crotches and screaming, “Oh! My penis!!”

    • My kids love to talk about their private parts as loudly as possible in front of complete strangers. Isn’t it awesome to be a parent?!

  4. My 9 year old son a day after our birds and bees talk: “Dad, how exactly do the swimmy things (sperm) come out of the tenticles (testicles) again?

    Same boy…same day: “Dad, so is that why Ms. Tammy (our next door neighbor) doesn’t have any boobs…because she has 4 kids and they drank all her milk?”

    • Haha! I actually embarrassed myself in 8th grade by accidentally saying “testicles” instead of “tentacles” in front of my entire Science class. Mortifying to a 13 yr old!

  5. Is funny I was thinking of writing something like this on my blog but since you already did it I will have to think of something else to write about! lol NO FAIR! My daughter is always saying or doing something that will embarass me. And if I didnt have a sinus headache that has my head full of fog I would surely remember some of the things I was gonna write about! Great post!

    • Hope your headache’s better! You can still write a post like this — I’m sure you’ve got a list very different than mine cause every kid’s brain comes up with different ideas. Go for it!

  6. My son is full of “What Would Happen If” questions. His latest one is what would happen if I took a bath in root beer. I’ve documented the ones I can remember on the blog.

    • Oh man…tell me about it. I get the ‘what would happen if our sun stopped burning for 10 seconds?”
      or “What if, when we are in Flirida, our cat dies?”

    • A root beer bath — too funny! I’ll have to go check out your other ones on the blog. 🙂

  7. A neighbor related this:
    The mom let her young son dress himself this morning. He wore jeans, a football shirt, crocs with no socks and a stocking cap! I asked if he had on underwear and he said, “Nope, life is much easier without underwear!” I told him to put some on and he said, “That’s ok. This is how I roll!”

  8. The same mom also wrote:
    Her young son just told me he might be part dog. I asked him why and he said, “Sometimes I pee a little when I get excited!”

    • Haha! The peeing comment is hilarious! And really, life IS much easier without underwear, don’t ya think?! 🙂

  9. My 2 year old (pointing to the wrinkles on my forehead) “Look, a rainbow!”. To my husband on several mornings after learning the word ‘boob’ (much to his dismay and my delight) “Dad, you got boobs! Dad has boobies! Dad, you’re boobs are out.” (etc). Still makes me giggle just thinking about it.

    • I love the “rainbow” comment! So funny. My daughter told me last night that I look just like her teacher, except for my hair & my face & my body. So, basically, I look NOTHING like her. 🙂

  10. oh moderator please please get out your grammar hammer and change my ‘you’re’ to ‘your’ in the comment above – I think the 2 hours sleep last night is taking its toll…

  11. LOVE the cartoon. Nice.

  12. My 3yo.. watching me get dressed

    Staring up at my breasts and says “mommy, those are biiiigggg muskles”

  13. I don’t have the pleasure of words yet…but for the first time yesterday, my 10 month old son farted and then laughed. I’m sure I have much to look forward to.

  14. I was explaining the logistics of childbirth to daughter (8) & son (6).
    After some thought son pipes up:
    “So that’s why babies are born bald and you have a hairy wee-wee, because all the hair from the baby’s head sticks to you.”

  15. My 6 year old was sleeping in my bed and I kept telling her to close her eyes and go to sleep. Her reply was . . .

    “Mom, my eyes will just when they are ready to shut.” She was asleep a minute later.

  16. my then 3 year old in the shower with me. She looks up at my face and then down at my *girlie parts*. Up at my face , and down again . Up at my face and then down at my parts. She says, “mom, your feathers are dirty”

    the carpet does indeed match the drapes.

    • “Feathers” — I love it! So funny what words they use to describe things that aren’t so familiar to them!

  17. My daughter when she was 3 to the cashier at walmart “you have a fat face” . The lady to my daughter?? “so do you!!!!
    my 3 year old now, just the other day when I was playing on Farmtown “you should go live on your farm”…me? “fine by me!”. 🙂

    • So cute! And I’m with you, there are many days (like today) that I’d be glad to go live on a farm far, far away!

  18. We were at the food court at the mall when my now 9yo was about 4. Out of the blue, he says, “Daddy, I have a little penis and you have a big penis.”

    The lady at the next table looked up from her book at me, and I just grinned and winked at her and went back eating to my lunch. And then bought my kid ice cream afterward.

  19. My daughter: I know why old people are always happy.

    Me: Why?

    My daughter: Because they don’t have long to live & they might as well make the best of it.

    Great post!

    • That is so sweet & so perceptive of your daughter! Wish we all saw the world as simple and carefree as kids do!

  20. My husband would KILL me for posting this… so don’t tell him!

    Daughter: Daddy, why do you have a whole in your pajama pants?

    Daddy: Well, it’s for my bo-bo to come out when I need to pee

    Daughter (with hands on her hips, looking totally annoyed): Your bo-bo’s not THAT big, Daddy!

  21. I saw this post & thought, “Oh, God, she’s not really putting up a Family Circus comic, is she?” Then I read the caption and realized you’re fantastic.

  22. I have the mouth of a sailor but have since had to tone down my ways – especially when it came back to bite me in the ass.

    Incident #1: My preschooler who wouldn’t breathe without his binky (learned to talk around the damn thing) was chatting us up when it fell out of his mouth. He leaned over, picked it up and handed it to me saying, “Mamma, there is sh*t on it.”

    Incident #2: Overhead a convo between my kid and another day care kid, probably around age 4. Other kid said, “You have a nice car. What kind of horn does it have?” which I thought odd. My kid responds all matter of factly, “Oh, we don’t have a horn, My Mom just yells, G*d D*ammit, Assh*le and Slow Ass B*tch.” The best part? the other kid said, “We have the same horn!”

  23. I must clarify by saying that both of these were uttered at times when I was exiting the shower. Why my kids cannot leave me alone for 5 fucking minutes while I shower is a mystery, as is their belief that mommy’s shower time=full license to have running commentary on the degeneration of mommy’s body.

    1 (eldest child): Hey Mama? If your boobies get any bigger, we could play boxing on them.

    2 (youngest child, pointing at my nether region): Harryboy!!
    ~Harryboy is our cat

    Time for a wax, obviously.

  24. My 3yr old was sitting on the “potty” for quite some time to no avail, so he says to me “Mommy, I cant poop, the batteries in my butt are dead and I cant poop. I need new batteries for my butt before I can poop.”… Too many toys requiring batteres must have lead him to that train of thought. Haha!

  25. Awesome post! You have a great blog, absolutely the best Ive read so far. I will be looking forward to your next entry. Thanks again.

  26. More often than not I don’t comment on a person’s blog, but I’d just like to mention that this article has forced me to do so! Thank you for your perceptive article.

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