Caution: Idiot Behind The Wheel

     I am by no means a perfect driver.  In fact, many would argue that I have a tendency to have a lead foot when I’m behind the wheel.  Can I help it if I just wanna hurry up and get from Point A to Point B?  However, there are many other people out there on the road who are WAY worse than me when it comes to annoying driving behaviors.

     First off, there’s the driver who won’t even go the damn speed limit.  If the posted sign says 40 mph, that does not mean that you should leisurely putter along at 30 mph, taking in all the scenery along the way.  Nothing burns my booty more than getting behind some old fart who refuses to go anywhere near an acceptable speed.  Put the pedal to the metal and move along little doggies — mama’s got places to go and people to see!  (And for the record, I beg each and every one of you to promise me that you will confiscate my keys if and when I become one of these little old ladies who’s reminiscent of a turtle on wheels.)

     Then, we have the driver who doesn’t use turn signals.  I really don’t get this concept.  Are we supposed to just guess which way your car’s gonna go or what?  Unfortunately, most of us don’t have ESP, so we’re not going to be able to accurately predict that you’re turning into the Walgreen’s parking lot at any given minute.  I mean, come on, seriously, how hard is it to flip a little switch to the left or to the right?  Are you really THAT lazy of a person?

     Then, there’s the driver who’s pimping a lookalike cop car.  You know what I’m talking about — the ones that make you slam on your brakes when you’re cruising along a little too fast down the highway, only to find out that it’s just some old dude in a cowboy hat smoking a pipe.  Why exactly would you want people to mistake you for the fuzz?  Is it cause you just enjoy effing with people?  

     And what about the people who straddle the middle line of the road?  Talk about giving someone a freaking heart attack!  It’s not a very pleasant feeling to wonder if you’re about to have a head-on collision with one of these yahoos barreling towards you. And if you’re behind one of these drivers, you can’t help but wonder if they’ve been tipping the old Jack Daniels bottle as they’re swerving and curving and practically making figure eights on the pavement ahead of you. Those yellow lines were painted there for a reason, people!  You stay on your side, and I’ll stay on mine.  Such a reasonable concept, if you ask me.  

     And then we have the people who display those “Baby On Board” stickers on their back windows.  What exactly is the purpose of these little decals? Am I supposed to hit you softer if we have an accident?  Am I only supposed to drive safely when I’m around YOUR car?  Shouldn’t I be driving safely for everyone, regardless of whether they’re an infant or not?  Maybe I should put a sticker on my car that says, “Nucking Futs Mama On Board” so that people will know not to piss me off by driving like an idiot around me.  

     As hard as I may try to avoid all these nit-witted drivers, I tend to come in contact with them countless times a day.  Sadly, it seems that they’re everywhere, they’re everywhere!  The road is a scary enough place to be as it is, and then you throw in people like this, and you’ve got yourself a giant headache in the making.  Pop some Advil in your purse and get your horns ready, folks, cause it’s pretty damn ugly out there.


19 Responses

  1. Sad, but so true! They’re everywhere! I hate the people that forget that their turn signal is on. Where the hell are they turning? Can’t they hear the turn signal noise thingy?

    • Yes! The constant turn signal is for sure another category! Do they seriously not hear the ticking? That would drive me apeshit crazy!

  2. I hate most drivers. Ok, maybe hate is a little strong, but they irk me. And I especially dislike drivers from outside LA because they really suck.

    • You wanna know where drivers suck? On rural roads! They all think it’s Sunday as they putz down the highway.

  3. love this post. all really great points! especially your “nicking futs mama on board” point.. whats the point of the “new driver on board sticker”? to me it just says “im allowed to be bad cuz im new at this”

    thanks for the laugh!

    • You’ve brought up another excellent category — those “new drivers”. That does not excuse them from driving like a jackass. It actually tells me to zip around them cause they’re gonna drive like a damn slug. 🙂

  4. I had to leave a comment right away after reading. OMG. I drive 2 hours a day to get to work (usually like 40 mins per way but can turn into 1 hour). I see all of these drivers.

    This morning I ended up being behind some old man driving an older, bigger vehicle. Well, he went about 30 in 45 lane, then drove in the middle of the white lines taking up 2 lanes… THEN ending up going more right then left and somehow landed back in front of me. By this time, I was angry at having to watch him so I yelled “make up your mind!” (without yelling out the window, just to myself) and he took off flying when the light turned green.

    That was my wtf this morning. >_>

    • Ugh — you are one dedicated woman to drive all that way every day! I’m sure you’ve got at least 10 other categories of idiots to add to this list!

  5. I think about this a lot because I’m behind the wheel a lot. I hate those jack ass people who know the lane is going to merge and rather than just get over the race all the way to the end and hope (sometimes cut) their way in. I also hate the ones that ride up my ass like I’m J. Lo and think that tailgating me is going to make me move faster. Things like that have the opposite effect on me.

    I hate those that screw every one else over, like chewing gum in class – the all or nothing thing. Those that eat, drink, talk on the phone, text – no one appears to be able to do it properly now they have all these laws and stuff. Thanks, effers.

    • Oh, I HATE it when people try to snake me when a lane’s gonna end! I try to take up both lanes so they can’t, but it doesn’t always work. Really pisses me off!

  6. I love that the Americans get all antsy about folk driving in their country. It’s true, drivers – except me, naturally, – suck. What thrills me even more is when Americans come over to UK, they nearly die on our little country lanes that are only big enough to get a compact car around, never mind a 4×4 or a caddy!!

    My favourite pet peeve is tractors. Where we live is pretty rural and agricultural so at any point of the year (ESPECIALLY the summer), we can get stuck behind a tractor going up a hill. Mayan…you ain’t experienced NOTHIN’ til you’re going up a l-o-n-g hill when you know it’s single carriageway and there’s nowhere to overtake cuz the road twists and turns at every given opportunity. That’s the time to crack out the JD, sit back and enjoy the scenery (if you can see anything behind the 8ft hedges on either side of the country road!!!!!

    No sirree, driving in America is an utter pleasure compared to our lil ole country lanes … but we still have the Indicator-Exemption-Vehicles in this country too. I once saw a copper (policeman) do it. Unfortunately for said copper, I knew him and just happened to stop where he stopped. When I mentioned his I-E-V, he said it was a new thing the police were trialling, so they could get a handle on all the folks out there with ESP. I slapped him and then said, “take it you DON’T have ESP, else you’da seen that slap coming”!!! He laughed – thankfully!

  7. I may just get you a “Nucking Futs Mama On Board” sign……..

  8. Where can I get one of those nuckingfutsmama stickers. I want one!

  9. I thought of another idiot driver while on my way to pick up – the person going right at the speed limit, keeping pace with the car next to them. Can’t get around them and they won’t move over.


  10. what about people that go sooo slow when you cant pass them but as soon as you get beside them (in the oncoming lane so you can pass) and the freaking SPEED UP!?!? WHAT THE CRAP is that?!

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