The Bald Eagle

     

     THE BIKINI WAX — I still haven’t decided if it’s my friend or my foe.  I realize that many, many people have blogged about it, talked about it, and even done stand-up comedy bits about it.  And after my experience yesterday, I felt that I needed to share my pain with all of you.  After all, you know what they say — misery loves company, right?

      I’m certainly not new to the whole world of bikini waxing.  I’m a big fan of keeping everything tucked in its proper place and have been torturing my poor girly bits for several years now.  It’s easier than having to shave and tends to last longer.  Does it hurt?  Hell yeah, it does, and anyone who tells you it doesn’t is either a masochist or a lying sack of shit.  If you don’t believe me, then pour some piping hot candle wax on your crotch and rip it off with some duct tape.  Go ahead — I dare ya!  Nevertheless, I endure the agony month after month because it’s worth it to me.

     I’ve only ever entrusted two women to do the deed, both of whom are two of the sweetest people you’ll ever meet.  However, they don’t seem to understand the difficulty in carrying on a serious conversation while your pubes are being ripped right out of their pores.  Now, maybe it’s just me, but I can’t really talk about my dad’s cancer treatments when I’m on the verge of screaming, “HOLY SHIT, THAT HURT LIKE A MOTHER!!!!”  I try to grin and bear it, but sometimes I just grow silent altogether, like yesterday, the day that literally took the words right outta my mouth.  

     About a year or so ago, I must’ve gotten a wild hair up my ass (pardon the pun) and decided to try out the Brazilian.  The first experience was definitely less than comfortable, but I ended up liking it and have done it ever since.  And yes, it’s sometimes slightly awkward when you have to lift up a leg or two for her to get a better angle, during which times I thank God that she’s a “she”. Yesterday, however, was a whole new adventure for me.  She finished the front and told me to flip over onto my stomach.  I did as commanded, albeit very hesitantly, and the only word that can be used to describe what happened next is “YOWZA!”  Let’s just say that I was extremely concerned about the possibility of having to go #2 the rest of the day.

     Today things feel back to normal, but I gotta tell ya that I wasn’t so sure about that yesterday.  Shouldn’t something like that come with a warning?  Maybe the sneak attack is the way to go though, or else nobody in their right mind would ever even consider doing it. I guess on the positive side of things, nobody can call me an a-hole now since I left it at the spa.

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27 Responses

  1. YES!!!!!!!! you must do the flip over! That is the only way to get the good parts:-) haha. i haven’t found a good one in atl yet but the two that i had prior one in chicago and one in la, they make sure you are clean as a whistle! It’s mild gynocology and yoga mixed!

  2. NEVER NEVER NEVER.
    Let me at it with a razor. Call me old fashioned, but no stranger is gunna stare down my winker or blinker unless I am getting a) a pap smear or b) have a living creature up there.

    I’m sorry they tried to rip off your bumhole, though.
    LMAO, great post.

  3. LOL I love it! I have been curious about this but honestly the thought of laying there with my legs spread open while someone tortures me seems crazy! What’s even crazier is that I’d be paying for it! Paying for torture?? Seriously? LOL Ok so maybe one day I will do it~!

  4. I don’t mean to laugh (snicker snicker), but I will NEVER do that. I tried just a friendly one once….after the first yank, I said STOOOOPPPPPP. I didn’t care what it looked like.

    A razor is my friend!

    • The waxing definitely isn’t for everybody. Different strokes for different folks. I say do whatever works for you! 🙂

  5. Bwahahhahahahahahaha! I love this post. The things we do for beauty!!

  6. still working up the courage … and not sure whether this post helped or hurt … well, I know it hurt YOU … hell, you know what I mean!

  7. Man, I need to go back to waxing. I’ve been avoiding it for obvious reasons. You’ve never had to flip over before? I thought that was SOP. Lol. I would rather have the backend waxed than the front any day. Maybe she didn’t let the wax set long enough??

    • I don’t know what the deal was. Maybe I just needed to give my piehole a little pep talk before she ripped it off. Next time will be better cause I’ll know what’s coming. Or maybe it’ll be worse?

  8. I had my eyebrows done ONCE and that scared me off the idea, but that was in high school and I’ve been thinking of going there since the shower in my new place is so narrow, shaving is problematic, but I am a’feared o’ the pain.

    • Eyebrows have become a piece of cake compared to the bikini wax. Regardless of the pain, it’s definitely worth it to me. 🙂

  9. My ex-husband used to beg me to get a Brazilian, but I didn’t want to sleep with him anyway, so why? Now that I’m *happily* single, there’s no, ahem, need. Let me just tell you that when, if, I ever venture there, I sure as hell better get laid as a result.

    • Ha! Ha! I will cross my fingers that complete waxing leads to a wild romp for you & I’ll do a happy dance with you afterwards! 🙂

  10. Yeah, I don’t think I could endure that. I thought I go out on a limb and get the unibrow done but the Brazilian? Nothankyouverymuch. My of my GFs would get it done and she said with the right person it didn’t hurt. I think she was masochistic, though.

    Good for you for your dedication to bettering the people on this planet! The razor is a beeyotch and if I ever get up enough collateral I’m doing the laser zap treatment. Make it go away FOREVER. Until then, the razor is my friend.

  11. My bff took a brazillian waxing course and asked me to be her “model/tourture toy” I told her no, no, no, no, no.
    She didn’t think it was funny! Not ever ever ever ever in your life will I be pouring hot wax on my hoo haa…nipples…sure…hoo haa…NOT!
    Maniacalmom

  12. Since no other men have commented yet, allow me to be the first to say “thank you” to all of you women out there who go for the Brazilian wax! My wife got hers for the 1st time about 2 yrs ago and we both love it. For her, the few moments of pain are well worth.

    You know what the men’s version is called?

    The crack and sack.

    • Crack & sack — I love it! I just like things to be clean & orderly down there. Sounds like your wife does too! 🙂

  13. Oh my goodness this one made me snort-laugh! You’re truly the best.
    I have had the Brazilian several times. I have to say, its a bitch of a killer getting it, but I enjoy the results (as does my husband), and I agree, FAR better than the razor.
    That being said, I have to say I have never been asked to ‘flip over’, although I have heard others having had to. In my experiences I have had the aforementioned yoga/gyno moves.
    Good on you for doing it, and for sharing your experience. I commend your bravery – for both.

    p.s. the ‘boyzilian’ is good too 😉

  14. I do it twice a year – once in the winter for my annual trip to Mexico, and once at the start of summer. That’s about as much as I can take.

  15. Good points, I think I will definitely subscribe!🙂. I’ll go and read some more!

  16. The spa where my esthetician worked up and closed in between appointments and now I need to find a new one. I tend to be embarrassed some when I am there, but shaving is NOT and option for me. I hate having to find a new gal. Anyone out there in Ventura County (Southern California) that knows of a good esthetician? I am one for a landing strip, and I must do the flip over…gots to clean it all up sista…

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