The Bad Massage

     Santa was very good to me this year and even left me a spa gift certificate in my stocking which I fully intend to use to go get a massage today.  (High fives, you North Pole stud, you!)  And every time I get a massage, I hope and pray with all my might that it doesn’t end up to be like the one I had a few years ago with the world’s most inappropriately awkward masseuse.

     When I go for a massage, I’m looking for nothing more than an opportunity to zone out and relax.  With kids and the every day pain in the ass stress of life in general constantly bitching and yapping away in my ears every damn second of the day, I get very few chances to just chill the hell out.  I am most certainly not interested in dropping a hundred or more dollars to make small talk and chit chat with some douche bag idiot about the weather or the price of tea in China all while I’m laying buck naked on a table in a dark room.  If I wanted that, I’d just strip down, turn the lights out, and lay on my dining room table while my twins and the dog run circles around me.  

     So, a few years back when we took the kids up north to a resort for the weekend, my husband very nicely scheduled an hour-long massage session for me.  When I arrived to the spa, I was asked if I minded having a male masseuse.  I said I didn’t care, because gender makes no difference to me — it’s all about the hands anyway, right?  I was told by a ridiculously smiley masseuse to disrobe and lie down on the table in the therapy room. I did as told and settled onto the table for what I hoped would be a relaxing sixty minutes of pure bliss. 

     However, when douche boy came back in the room jabbering a mile a minute, I knew that this session would be anything BUT peaceful. Homeboy talked and talked and talked and talked and talked and talked and talked throughout the entire hour about everything under the damn moon.  I wanted so badly to scream, “SHUT YOUR FREAKING WORD HOLE, MAN!”  I tried so hard to just keep my eyes closed and tune him out, but it was no use.  I was doomed to suffer the mental torture and anguish of the Motor Mouth Masseuse.  Things started to get a little weird when I could actually feel his breath on my legs.  I had a little talk with God and told him to please let this just be my imagination, but it seemed as if he was REALLY REALLY close to my skin.

     Ewww doesn’t even begin to describe how uncomfortable I was starting to feel.  I mean, weren’t there supposed to be some sort of physical boundaries or something?  When he told me that he was finished and I opened my eyes, the dude’s face was no more than a few inches away from mine as he stood there staring at me and smiling ear to ear.  This guy had clearly been born with a stupid stick in his mouth.  I thought about opening up my can of whoop ass on him, but then my girly goods would be even more exposed.  He then had the uber balls to say to me with that psycho-killer grin on his face, “It’s been a REAL pleasure working on you Mrs. Nucking Futs.  I mean a REAL pleasure.  I mean I REALLY loved working on you. REALLY.  A LOT.”  I tried with all my might not to think about just what he’d been doing while I had my eyes closed that whole time, and I couldn’t scramble to get my clothes on fast enough when he finally left the room.  I felt dirty and violated and wanted to just get the hell outta dodge.  

     So, as you can probably imagine, I cross my fingers each time I get a massage now that I don’t end up with a creepy repeat of that particular incident.  With the exception of the female masseuse who tried to give me a boob massage one time, I’ve been pretty lucky ever since. Here’s hoping today is an uneventful, grope-free experience that leaves me feeling refreshed rather than in need of counseling.


13 Responses

  1. Had a male masseuse once and never again. It just felt very creepy and I definitely could not relax. Here’s to a female masseuse and an enjoyable quiet massage 🙂

  2. Okay so I have NEVER had a massage where the masseuse wasn’t my husband. Meaning I have never had a real massage done by licensed therapist… for the very reason that ONE massage’s hurt me… and TWO I’m afraid to have an experience like the one you described above.

    However, Santa brought me and my husband a couples massage… I’m very very nervous…

    LOL great post!

  3. That is really horrible! sorry you had to deal with that turd. I am a heterosexual male and I always request a female masseuse, not because i WANT a female, but because I DO NOT WANT a male therapist. Lots of men are pretty f’ing sick and I’m not taking any chances! I had my run-in with a sick fucker when I was a kid and since then, I dont even have a male dentist!! Not kidding.

    But I have actually had female therapists thank ME after a session. They say stuff like, “thank you for being polite” or “thanks for communicating properly” to me. It took me a while to figure out that they must deal with more than 50% of male clientele that are looking for some sort of sex angle vs a massage. And that my behavior there was not only appreciated, but a huge relief for them. And that sux, because there is nothing better than a massage to just zone the hell out for an hour.

    I’m not saying I’m perfect. As a guy i’ve got some wants..for example: if you could go into a little more detail about the female masseuse giving you a boob rub, that would be great! lol. But this is why I believe some things should be legalized so that men who cant control themselves have a place to go where another adult has agreed to what’s coming…little play on words there.
    Personally I think I should be able to walk into a kiosk at the mall, get serviced, and then continue shopping. Id be so relaxed after that, that I wouldnt care about the slow walkers, the loud cell phone talkers, and the 7 hour shopping adventure for one damn skirt my wife seems to drag me to because it will be ‘fun’. Legalizing something that some people see as gross, might save just one or two women from this type of abuse, or worse. And that’s worth it to me.
    Wow, I really did just mean to write ‘sorry you had to deal with that’. I’ll shut up now. 🙂

  4. Oh no, no, no!
    I am partial to femal massueses- and seriously, don’t be embarassed to ask if they have a mute on staff.
    Hope it is relaxing, and not gross. 🙂

  5. I know it’s wrong to link a post up to comment on someone else’s blog- but I had a massage experience I just had to share with you.

    it was nuckin’ futs!

  6. LOL omg you poor thing. Ive had similar experiences – but nothing ever as awkward as the guys breath on my body!! ::shudder:: I’ve actually never had a female masseuse – never a choice of my own, I just always end up with a guy. But now I’m considering requesting a girl next time around!

  7. eeeeeeeeyyyyuuucccccckkkkk

  8. See, this is why I am sooooo glad that my cousin-in-law is a beauty therapist and she does all the waxing, massaging, dying I need to deal with. My problem tho is that I cannot lie still for a whole hour – I keep thinking about all the things I should be doing instead of wasting an hour just lying there. Sad I know … but hey ho.

  9. I had one of those boob massages from a guy when i was 20ish. Creeped me right out and I was too young and passive to call him on it. I’m sure there are great guy masseuses but I’m all for the lady masseuses now. Funnily enough – my husband isn’t comfortable with male masseuses either but it’s because the last one he had was too strong and left welts. I’ve never seen anything like it – there were bruises all over his back. So, yeah, we totally discriminate against male masseuses. Bad on us.

    • I know this is almost a year old, but did you know those “welts” are a sign of a good massage as it is the toxins escaping your body?

  10. Oh God, I don’t think I would have the courage to get another massage after that experience. *shudder*

  11. Hey, great blog!. How do I subscribe to your RSS feed to ensure I get notifed when you make new posts? Thanks

    • Thanks & thanks for reading! There’s a subscribe link on the site that allows you to enter your email address to be notified of new posts. Hope you come back for more nucking futiness! 🙂

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