Stretching the Holiday Truth

     I swear I feel like half the crap I try to feed my kids while I’m doing this parenting gig comes right back to bite me in the ass.  And with Christmas and all its many, many far-fetched ideas, it becomes even more difficult to try to explain myself.  Deer that fly, a sleigh that miraculously fits ALL the toys for every kid in the friggin’ universe, a rather large man squeezing himself down the super skinny chimney — it’s all pretty far out there if you really stop and think about it.  So, throughout this holiday season, I’ve found myself on multiple occasions trying to come up with a logical explanation for a highly illogical concept.

     Scenario Number One: two of Santa’s reindeer miraculously showed up at a landscaping/pet shop near us a few weeks back.  My kids must’ve asked me ten thousand questions about these two antlered-eared deer for which I had to REALLY dig deep into my big bag of bullshit to try to answer.  They had a sign up that said “Only Santa’s elves are allowed to feed the reindeer” — so how was I supposed to explain why we saw two of the store’s employees (who most certainly looked NOTHING like elves) feeding the damn deer?! Could they not have at least thrown on some flipping green tights and pointy toed shoes?  And to make matters worse, the stupid asshats at this store took it upon themselves to proudly display the names of these two reindeer who were named anything BUT Comet, Cupid or Donner.  They had names like Sasha and Donald. Seriously, people, WTF?! Would it really have killed these jackbutts to at least fake that these were two of Santa’s real deal sleigh drivers?!  

     Scenario Number Two: for years I have harped on the idea that Santa has magical powers and oversees little elves who can make any and every toy.  Well, someone should’ve told me to put a damn sock in it, because, naturally, this, too, has come back to haunt me. Lately, my kids have decided to try and make last minute additions to their Christmas wishlists, without any concern whatsoever that it might not be enough notice  for poor “Santa” to make these said items happen. When I tried to confront them about this very topic, they simply told me that Santa can make miracles happen and that it wouldn’t be a problem at all for him to hear about a few add-ons.  I just silently kick my ass as I listen to their logic, because I know that I’m the dumbass who filled their little heads with this crap in the first place.  I may need to come up with some concocted story about Santa’s workshop being closed now for gift wrapping.  I’ve already made a whole shit ton of outrageous claims — surely I can come up with some more, right?

     The older they get, the more they’re gonna realize that all of the wonders of Christmas really make them wonder about just what in the hell their mom and dad have really been trying to pull.  With every make-believe idea that comes out of my mouth, I cross my fingers that they don’t call me out.  When they finally do find out the truth, I just hope they don’t think I’m a hypocrite for telling them that lying is bad and then turning around and telling them that yes, a man who’s a bazillion miles away can really see when they draw on the furniture.


6 Responses

  1. I am going through this with my 3 year old already and amass because I want to last for another 2 years at least.

    However, the lady dressed as Santa at Pet Smart, but only from the waist up, really frickin confused my kid. Talk about idiots! When has Santa ever been a woman and when did she ever have a beard!!!!????!!!!

  2. ha! My mom runs a home daycare and she has motion detectors in some of the corners (came with her alarm system I think…) and whenever someone moves around, a little red light flashes. My mom has convinced these kids that it is a camera that Santa installed and if they are bad, then it comes on, records what is happening, and sends the video straight to Santa’s office. Ummm yeahh… needless to say, anytime they get real rambunctious or starts jumping on the couch and such, my mom doesn’t say a word, she just points up to the “camera” and they straighten riiiiight up. She uses this technique pretty much year round. It’s a little high though, so sometimes SHE has to walk by to set it off, but they haven’t caught on to that yet…

  3. i tell my kids when they ask that its all magical and leave it at that. i tell them that YES i do still believe in the spirit of chirstmas! i also ask them if they could only get ONE present from Santa what would it be because sometimes santa doesnt have the time to make LOTS of gifts for EVERY child. The workshop is also closed for 2 weeks prior to christmas so the elves and santa can get the sleigh, maps and wrapping done for the magical night.

  4. the santas, elves, reindeer or mrs clauses at stores etc are only ‘santas helpers’ because he needs his most important friends to help him at hte north pole for the busy day. so these helpers are special friends santa chooses to help him spread christmas all over the world! (my kids were always unsure how they could see santa in hamburg ny at one time and their cousins in port richey florida were seeing him at their mall at the same exact time!)

  5. Keep the scenario up Mom. You are doing a great job on the outside, even though your head is going to explode trying to keep all the stories straight and the secrets hush-hush. I know how you feel. It’s like I have a permenant Christmas wrinkle across my forehead which gets deeper & deeper each year.
    I think there should be a convention at The North Pole in August inviting all Moms (and retail elves) to get in sync with Santa outlining which stories, scenarios & protocal to follow for The Season.
    Another great blog! Merry Christmas.

  6. Being on your best behavior to reap rewards from the fat man in red will work for some young kids in the couple of weeks leading up to Christmas. But wouldn’t we rather they figure out why doing the right thing is cool all year round? Have a happy!

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