A REAL Holiday Newsletter

     I gotta admit that I am not a big fan of those holiday newsletters that people send in lieu of cards at this time of the year.  Now, granted, some people can diplomatically give an in-depth year-end review of their family without sounding like they’re boasting, but in my experience, many people tend to use this as an opportunity to toot their own horns about all of the WONDERFULLY AMAZING & AWESOME things that have happened to them throughout the year. There’s often no tact whatsoever and absolutely no holding back. It’s just sentence after sentence of brag, brag, brag.  

     There’s nothing worse than having a really shitty day and going to the mailbox to find one of these flaunt fests sitting in there staring back at you.  I mean, come on, who really wants to hear about how little nine month old Johnny’s already potty-trained himself or how two year old Susie’s already translating Spanish novels or how Mr. X. bought you a brand new Mercedes for your birthday or how many times you went to the Caribbean throughout the year or how many square feet make up your newly built home or how many carats are in your new Tiffany set earrings.  Puke, puke and more puke.  News flash: NOBODY WANTS TO HEAR THAT!

     What I think would be awesome is to send those type of show-off people a REAL holiday newsletter, chocked full of all the ugly, nitty gritty details that have consumed the last never-ending year.  It could read something like this:

Dear Friends & Family,

Hallelujah & smack my ass cause this shitstorm of a year is finally coming to an end!  I never thought I’d get my bowels to regulate again, but they seem to be on the up and up after getting on a steady regimen of prunes and Milk of Magnesia.  Ted’s wearing a hole in our family room sofa after being laid off from the plant back in August. He’s decided to become a full-time couch potato, so I’ve been working the corner downtown on the weekends.  It’s definitely not my dream job, but somebody’s gotta bring home the bacon. I’m getting lots of exercise too.  Since they impounded our car last month, I have to walk everywhere to run errands.  I think I’ve finally talked little Bobby’s school into allowing him back into class after peeing in his locker and farting on his music teacher.  Little Judy’s still being home-schooled though, because apparently, mooning the principal is a pretty big offense.  And it looks like Uncle Joe’s gonna be coming out of rehab just in time for Christmas Eve.  He can take Grandma Betty’s place at the dinner table because she got thrown in the slammer once again for shoplifting down at the dollar store.  We’re praying the electric company turns our power back on by then so we can actually see our food.  At any rate, I’m sure 2010’s gonna be a MUCH better year for all of us, because really, it can’t get much worse, can it?

Happy Holidays to all & to all a good night!
The Nucking Futs Family