A REAL Holiday Newsletter

     I gotta admit that I am not a big fan of those holiday newsletters that people send in lieu of cards at this time of the year.  Now, granted, some people can diplomatically give an in-depth year-end review of their family without sounding like they’re boasting, but in my experience, many people tend to use this as an opportunity to toot their own horns about all of the WONDERFULLY AMAZING & AWESOME things that have happened to them throughout the year. There’s often no tact whatsoever and absolutely no holding back. It’s just sentence after sentence of brag, brag, brag.  

     There’s nothing worse than having a really shitty day and going to the mailbox to find one of these flaunt fests sitting in there staring back at you.  I mean, come on, who really wants to hear about how little nine month old Johnny’s already potty-trained himself or how two year old Susie’s already translating Spanish novels or how Mr. X. bought you a brand new Mercedes for your birthday or how many times you went to the Caribbean throughout the year or how many square feet make up your newly built home or how many carats are in your new Tiffany set earrings.  Puke, puke and more puke.  News flash: NOBODY WANTS TO HEAR THAT!

     What I think would be awesome is to send those type of show-off people a REAL holiday newsletter, chocked full of all the ugly, nitty gritty details that have consumed the last never-ending year.  It could read something like this:

Dear Friends & Family,

Hallelujah & smack my ass cause this shitstorm of a year is finally coming to an end!  I never thought I’d get my bowels to regulate again, but they seem to be on the up and up after getting on a steady regimen of prunes and Milk of Magnesia.  Ted’s wearing a hole in our family room sofa after being laid off from the plant back in August. He’s decided to become a full-time couch potato, so I’ve been working the corner downtown on the weekends.  It’s definitely not my dream job, but somebody’s gotta bring home the bacon. I’m getting lots of exercise too.  Since they impounded our car last month, I have to walk everywhere to run errands.  I think I’ve finally talked little Bobby’s school into allowing him back into class after peeing in his locker and farting on his music teacher.  Little Judy’s still being home-schooled though, because apparently, mooning the principal is a pretty big offense.  And it looks like Uncle Joe’s gonna be coming out of rehab just in time for Christmas Eve.  He can take Grandma Betty’s place at the dinner table because she got thrown in the slammer once again for shoplifting down at the dollar store.  We’re praying the electric company turns our power back on by then so we can actually see our food.  At any rate, I’m sure 2010’s gonna be a MUCH better year for all of us, because really, it can’t get much worse, can it?

Happy Holidays to all & to all a good night!
The Nucking Futs Family 

  

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7 Responses

  1. you *are* teh awesome! someone has to tell you….it might as well be me! those kind of christmas greetings make good “matchlight” for the woodstove or fireplace. LOL

    i’m w/ you sistah! and i love your responding letter. i’d much rather have THAT in my mailbox anyday!

  2. Awesome lady! *applause*

    In my past life I was a newsletter making gal (at leats 2 christmases) ….however it wasnt bragging it was just stuff, poetry, creativity and some humor.

    I tried to make it the exception to the rule….

    lol

  3. HAHAHAHAHA I love it! I really hate getting those things too. Why can’t people just write down the necessary details? It really isn’t that hard. Just simply say Happy Holidays Bobby and Suzi are doing well in school, and we are all in good health. I don’t need to hear about every grand accomplishment, gift and vacation that I do not have the pleasure of experiencing. Well, I hope you at least have a happy holiday with the munchkins. Try not to put too much coal in their stockings ;-).

  4. I did a newsletter once and never did one again. Just wasn’t my style…

  5. Tee hee hee….
    I actually thought of making anewsletter this year. Then I realized it would sound alot like this one, and stuck with just a card.
    Please,please,please print this out and send it to someone. Preferrably some parents at your child’s school?
    I double dog dare ya…

  6. Love, love, love it! I HATE those letters too. One family sends the typical “We’re so awesome, too bad you aren’t us”, letter year after year. Oh, they just happen to leave out the daughter’s teenage pregnancy, and the other’s drunk driving arrest. Oh, and the wife had a lovely affair and left the family for a few months. I guess some things CAN slip your mind. Give me the real world any day.

  7. Sign me up for this newsletter!

    Great post!

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