Helpless

     I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again — cancer is a son of a bitch. Far too many people are affected by this monster of a beast.  The number of victims that fall prey to this asshole of a disease seems to grow larger by the day.  If I had a magic sword, I’d drive it right through the center of its soul-less heart and kill it once and for all. 

     I’ve had to sit idly by and watch from a ridiculously far distance while my dad endures day after day of agony trying to fight his cancer.  My heart breaks into a thousand tiny pieces each time I hear my mom describe yet another new horrible side effect from all the radiation treatments he’s forced to undergo five grueling days a week. The process for beating this thing is nothing short of inhumane. They do everything but throw you into a pack of starving wolves to rid your body of the cancer cells.  It’s a wonder anybody can even survive the damn treatments, let alone the cancer.

     And I cannot even begin to put into words how guilty I feel for not being there to help my mom as she tries to hold everything all together. She puts up a strong front, but I can’t help but think she’s close to cracking.  She’s running on absolutely no sleep, which is physically exhausting, and she’s worried sick about my dad every second of the day, which is mentally exhausting.  I can’t imagine how excruciating it would be to watch your spouse have his ass kicked all over the place day in and day out, knowing that there’s nothing you can do about it.  

     I’m flying down there today for the weekend, and even though I know there’s not a whole lot I can actually do, I can at the very least give them a hug.  And even though I doubt that I can hug the stress out of my mom’s worried body, and I’m not likely to hug the cancer out of my dad’s worn out body, I CAN finally put my arms around them and tell them that I love them.  I know it’s not much, but it’s all that I’ve got.

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19 Responses

  1. I’m sure your mom will really appreciate you there. So so sorry you all have to go through this.

  2. I definitely understand what you’re going through – my dad has been sick with various diseases and issues since I was young. Chrons disease, cancer, congestive heart failure, the works. Its definitely a roller coaster to be witness a parent going through issues like this, but you’re doing all that you can by supporting your parents. All my best thoughts, wishes and prayers are going out to you and your family.

  3. Telling them you love them is more important than anything else right now. They really need the hugs and affirmation right now. Everyone is praying for your father, so I am sure he will come thru everything. Enjoy your time that you spend with them this weekend, and try to make them not think about it for a few minutes. I am sure seeing you will be a small dose of natural medicine for your father that will lift his spirits a little bit. Have a safe trip and remember we are all pulling for him.

  4. Lost my Dad to cancer 2 yrs ago, awful, awful thing!!!! Being there, either by phone or physically means much more than you will ever know. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

  5. You’re doing the best thing you can do right now. You’re offering your time, your support, and your hugs. I’m sorry you are going through this right now. Cancer is a horrible disease to watch someone go through.

  6. Amen….cancer can go suck it. Of all the things you can have go wrong with you, it seems that this one takes the cake in terms of emotional and physical toil to everyone involved — friends, family, etc. You just don’t get a moment’s break when there’s something nasty trying to eat you from the inside out.

    Sigh. Best of luck to your dad and your family, and yes — your hugs and presence will be the best gift you could possibly think of.

  7. Okay, you did it, you made me cry. You’re allowed to do that once in a while since you usually make me laugh. It must be absolutely heart-breaking to go through this. My father died very suddenly from a massive heart attack so, while it was shocking, we at least didn’t have to go through what your family is going through. It does sadden me, though, that we couldn’t say good-bye. Make every second of this weekend and any other weekend that you get count; hug him, tell him that you love him; be there for him. Fate is giving you this. He (and you) will be in my prayers.

  8. My dad went through it when I was pregnant with my first. It was awful. I was living in New York and visited my parents in Miami when I could, but was plagued with guilt all the time for not truly being able to “be there.” Cancer is everywhere. And it’s an asshole. I wrote a blog post awhile back called Six Degrees of Canceration. http://livefromthefence.blogspot.com/2009/08/six-degrees-of-cancer-ation.html Check it out if you’re feeling up to it. May make you feel less bad…Take care.

  9. I agree, cancer is a fucking asshole. I’m sure just having you there will do them both a world of good.

    I’m sorry your family is going through this. I went through it with my dad. The worst time of my life. Sending love, hugs, and prayers to all of you.

  10. I am so sorry. Prayers go out to you & your family. Cancer sucks in SO many ways… I am just so sorry.

  11. Cancer sucks – no question. It’s horrific how many people I know or know of have it or have had it. I’m sure your Mom and Dad will really appreciate having you there with them even if it can only be for a few days.

  12. When it comes down to it, love and hugs are simply what any of us want and need, no matter what age or stage of life. You are doing the perfect thing to visit them and remind them of your love. Make lots of phone calls to mom, listen, share and cry. My mom taught me so much about courage and grace when my father was ill, and ultimately when she became ill. Treasure this time and while you “give” them what you can, allow and receive the “gift” they are giving to you, too. Hugs, Joni

  13. Your Mom and Dad will be so happy to have you there – however long. Stay strong and make sure that you rub some positive vibes on them. Hopefully in our lifetime, they will find the cure for Cancer.

  14. Thinking of you and your parents this weekend.

  15. Doug & I will continue to keep your father in our thoughts. We’ll also pray that you and your mother will be given continued emotional strength to fight this battle along side him. Pls call if we can be any help on the home front….

    • Thank you, Tiffany. I appreciate that. This is such a difficult time right now for all of us — especially since we can’t even be together for the holidays. The treatment process is way worse than we thought it would be. The radiation for throat cancer is the worst, as far as intensity and side effects. My heart hurts from knowing what all my parents are going through right now. I am praying that they can keep the strength they need to get through the rest of it.

  16. Cancer does suck, no other words for it. But I have to imagine that your parents will be grateful to have you around, even if just for a short time.

  17. Jennie, I am so sorry you and your family are having to go through all of this. And it is hard when your parents are not close by. Just enjoy the times when you do get to visit them, your memories will carry on with you forever. Prayers to your mom and dad, and your family too. Let us know if there is anything at all we can do.

    • Thank you, Lorri! It’s a really, really difficult time right now. It’s way worse than we even imagined it’d be. The radiation for throat cancer is the worst kind of radiation you can have, as far as intensity and side effects. It’s absolutely awful what he’s going through. I can’t wait for it to all be over with.

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