The Goat

      Have you met my pet goat?  His name is Wrigley, and his middle name is Annihilator.  He likes to eat anything and everything he can get his teeth on, and trust me, NOTHING is off limits.  I’ve bought this little shit more chew toys than you would ever believe, yet he still seems to prefer all of the things which he’s NOT supposed to chew. You may have noticed in the above picture that even though he has two dog toys right within his reach, he is instead nibbling on a shoe. Yep, this has become the story of my life since this four-legged fool’s come into my world.  

     Everybody warns you when you get a new puppy that there will be lots and lots of munching and crunching going on.  You think you can handle it because you think it can’t possibly be all THAT bad.  And then you quickly find out how very very wrong you were.  This dog has ripped holes in multiple pairs of pants, countless socks, several of my daughter’s dresses, and the mother of all mothers — my warmest North Face coat.  This last act of destruction occurred yesterday when I was trying to let him run around the backyard in the snow.  He was so wound up that he jumped up, grabbed a part of my coat and did this:

You will notice that the down feathers are now coming out of my extremely essential Chicago winter weather gear.  You will also notice that this large rip just so happens to be located far from an actual seam, making it impossible to repair.  And did I mention that the windchill is -20 here today?  You can probably imagine how happy I am about this on a bitterly cold day like today.  

     The goat doesn’t just stop at clothing, either.  Oh, no — he also likes to chew rugs and the runner on our stairs.  He works and works until he gets one loose string and then he goes to town unraveling it. This is what he did to the rug by the back door:

Doesn’t it look beautiful?  Believe me, I’ve tried like hell to keep him from gnawing away at this freaking thing until I’m blue in the face. You would think that there’s gotta be some way to keep him from doing this, right? Well, I’ve been told by multiple people to try spraying Bitter Apple on the things he chews, so of course I went right out and bought some of this supposed cure-all solution.  And wouldn’t you know?  The damn dog actually likes the taste of this nasty ass stuff!  And I know for a fact that it tastes like absolute shit because I accidentally got some of it on my tongue when I sprayed it, and I about tossed my cookies.  

     By far the most amount of damaged inflicted by this little maniac has been on our poor poor kitchen chairs.  They are literally on their last leg from all the gnawing they’ve had to endure.  It has been damn near impossible to keep the dog away from them.  It’s like trying to keep flies off a pile of poo.  The worst one of the four victims now looks like this:

My daughter has snagged more than one pair of her tights on this wreck of a mess.  I have no doubt that pretty soon, we will find ourselves sitting right on the damn floor because our asses are going to fall straight through the seat one day when we least expect it. Maybe this is all part of the goat’s grand master plan so that he can have a better crack at our food.

     I’m pretty close to putting a friggin’ muzzle on the beast because little by little he’s destroying our entire house.  How on earth am I supposed to co-exist with a creature who doesn’t understand or appreciate the value of my Ugg slippers?  I swear we’re all gonna be naked with no furniture whatsoever if he keeps this up.  And best believe, if that does, in fact, happen, I’ll take my birthday suit-clad self and march him straight back to the mountain with all the other billy goats for a full refund.


11 Responses

  1. Remove his teeth. 😀

  2. Perhaps doggy school is in order. Have you spoken to any people who do discipline courses for dogs? Maybe they will have some tips and tricks if the goat is too young to enroll

  3. I have his step brother or whom we call the small version of marley. who eats our carpet, all flip flops, dryer and shower doors, kids toys, and my personal favorite my brand new vickis sports bra. He also particuarly like base boards and palmetto bugs. I am good with the bugs.

    We too have tried the apple stuff and something else cant think of the name. doesnt help. Neither does the urine elminator.

    Good luck with your goat

  4. He would look cute stuffed.

  5. Has he been vaccinated against car sickness? Are you sure you want to bring him to FL?

  6. Hot sauce – dilluted slightly in water, in a spray bottle, sprayed on everything that won’t stain.
    You can also try a spray bottle with plain water, and when you catch him spray him and say in a super unimpressed voice “NO!”
    Then stuff a dog toy in his face and if he doesn’t go for it, remove him from the area.
    We had a problem chewer when I was growing up, and this worked for us. Although it does take awhile to get them to realize they are doing something wrong, and what you’d prefer they do instead.

    But I’m telling you – no dog like hot sauce. That shit burns.

  7. haha I actually just had a phone conversation with my sister about this. Her husband brought home a boxer puppy, and he ate both of her sons’ bedsheets, and the corner of her youngest son’s mattress. She is not a happy camper, and has requested that the kids get new bedding for Christmas.

  8. I know you’re not finding this funny but you had me laughing myself to tears here. I had a dog like that too; let’s see….eye glasses, candles, sofa, boxes of Kraft dinner, loaf of bread, 2lb pack of bacon, 20 lb turkey (just the end since it was frozen), numerous bricks of butter, stuffed animals, jean jacket…. the list goes on so I can definitely relate to your problem. Do you keep him in a kennel (travel cage) when you go out? We found that this really helped when we started doing since he (mostly) did it when we went out.

  9. I also have a dog named Wrigley…then again I think every other dog in Chicagoland is a wrigley…but we’re rebels…we’re southsiders yo!

    My dog just turned 2 and the chewing has slowed exponentially…good luck!

  10. try some cayenne pepper mixed with water and spray that on whatever he’s chewing. he might get the idea then!

    • I’ve heard about that cayenne pepper thing from a couple of other people too — I’ll have to try that! Thanks for the tip! 🙂

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