The Drunken Santa


     With all the different versions of Santa that are walking around all over the place, I can’t help but think we’re confusing the hell out of our kids. Seriously, some form of Santa seems to be popping up all over the damn place anymore.  And back when I was a kid, my parents took the bewilderment to a whole other level by hiring a Santa to come to our house every year.  At the time, I thought I was the most special kid on the planet, but looking back now, I don’t know why on earth I didn’t demand to know just what in the name of Rudolph was really going on.  I remember one particular year that involved a VERY jolly old St. Nick, a six-pack of beer, and a bathroom floor full of pee.

     Growing up, my parents always put their heart and soul into creating a memorable Christmas for me.  They absolutely loved the idea of Santa choosing our house to make a special VIP visit.  Since there was no internet back then, my dad had to rely on the good old want ads in the newspaper to find a Santa for hire.  He made some calls and finally found a guy who was willing to do the job for nothing more than a six-pack of beer.  Now, you have to remember that this was the late 70’s, so that was perfectly acceptable back then. Of course, in hindsight, that should probably have been a huge red flag that this Santa was gonna be more than just a little merry.

     When he showed up to our house, the dude was already three sheets to the wind.  He must’ve pre-partied with one too many eggnogs or something.  Now days, he’d probably be hauled off in handcuffs right there on the spot, but back then, he was welcomed with multiple sets of open arms.  After all, he was certainly stocked full of good cheer — singing Christmas carols, cracking jokes about Mrs. Claus, and an all-around life of the party.  He and my dad even shot the shit over a couple of beers while he was supposedly “on the clock.”  And the more he ate and drank, the merrier he got.  At one point, he even had the balls to pull my grandma onto his lap to ask her just what she REALLY wanted for Christmas as he kissed her on the cheek and whispered in her ear.  Guess he wanted to make her his ho ho ho for the night. As you can imagine, my grandpa wasn’t so happy about Santa Claus coming to town.

     Before he dashed off in his beat-up sleigh, he asked my dad if he could use the john.  He stumbled his way into the bathroom, did his business, and then bid us all farewell.  After he was gone, my cousin went to use the bathroom and discovered that Santa had in fact pissed all over the floor. She shrieked with delight, as I ran in to see for myself.  My parents were none too pleased about this little gift that he’d left behind, but my cousin and I thought it was the greatest souvenir EVER!  We had real, live Santa pee on our bathroom floor!  

     I miss those carefree days of being able to hire a complete and total stranger out of the flipping newspaper of all things to come to your house and hang out with your family.  Now days, I’d be scared to death that a psychopath would show up at my door in a red suit and beard. I’m so glad that I’ve at least got the memory of those Santa visits from my own childhood to tell my kids about.  They also think it’s totally AWESOME that he missed the toilet.  I suppose nothing says Merry Christmas quite like the horrible aim of Santa and his old yule log.


13 Responses

  1. That is both horrifying and awesome and something you would totally see on an episode of Dharma and Greg if their parents hadn’t been so totally anty anything as established and “normal” as Christmas.

  2. It’s like a Family Guy episode in real life!!

  3. OMG! LOL…too funny.

    Knowing my 4-year-old (who never throws anything away) she’d sop up some of the pee with toilet paper and put it in a place of honor in her room and refuse to let me throw it away! 😉

  4. If Santa comes to my and pees all over my floor, I will rub his nose in it and make him clean it up. I’ll give him ho ho ho … It’s enough having to deal with the reindeer shit in the garden on Christmas morning where they’ve all been standing in line waiting for Santa to deliver the presents and drink the glass of sherry we leave him. Mind you, at least we put out special reindeer food for them, so they might be cold, but at least they don’t starve 🙂

    • Oh, best believe that I’d be making that fat man whip out a mop & some serious sanitizers if he peed on my floor now days. Somehow I don’t think I’d find it quite as cute.

  5. HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! Oh I remember this all too well! Was I the one that discovered Santa’s gift? I can’t remember….I think Santa had already paid for a few stops before he got to your house. Thanks for reminding me of a great Christmas memory!

    • I think you were the one who found the Santa pee! I’d be mortified now if some strange dude peed on my floor, but back then, it was the greatest thing that’d ever happened to me!

  6. Reminds me of the clown-for-hire scene from Uncle Buck:

    “In the field of local, live home entertainment, I’M A GOD!”

    Funny . . .

  7. OHMYGOD for the SECOND DAY IN A ROW you are making me change my underwears because i’ve laughed so hard to the point of wetting myself.

  8. I’m so glad I stopped by to read this. Those were the good ol’ days weren’t they? Awesome pic too.

  9. Too funny, also the things that used to be acceptable that no longer are is kind of sad!

    Someone should set up a business, called Safe Santa. Where they all have background checks and none are registered sex offenders! With a money back guarantee, should they pee on your floor or fondle your wife!

    • I love your Safe Santa idea! That would make me feel so much more comfortable about inviting some strange man & a bunch of reindeer to my house. 🙂

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