The Elf On The Shelf

     

     For the past few years in our house, we’ve looked forward to a visit from none other than the “elf on the shelf”.  Are you familiar with these little dudes?  They are the cash-flowing creation of a freaking genius of a woman, and for $29.95 (plus shipping & handling) these little dolls will fly all the way from the North Pole to your humble abode for the whole month of December.  They’re like Santa’s shrimp-sized spies, reporting back to the head honcho each and every night about who’s being good & who’s being a little shit.  They are also known as B-R-I-B-E-R-Y for parents at this very stressful time of year.

     Our little pointed toe fairy first came to us back in December of 2007.  My kids decided to name him Clyde, and for the past two years, old Clyde’s been racking up the frequent flier miles between our house & Santa’s pad.  Each morning my kids practically pee their pants with excitement to find out just where Clyde is hiding.  You see, night after night, it’s up to the parents to find a new hiding spot for Clyde. And if you forget, you better think fast on your feet, or best believe, you are screwed. Your kids will surely notice that the elf is in the exact same spot as the day before.  How do I know this?  It’s because I can’t tell you how many times we’ve dropped the ball and have had to suddenly send the short people upstairs so that one of us can scramble around and move the damn elf doll.  Luckily, our kids are young enough that we can still pull this whole smoke and mirror tactic on them.  We could say, “Look kids, there’s a spaceship on the lawn,” and haul ass to move that little sucker before they would even turn their heads back from the window.

     I must say that Clyde and his magical bad ass have more than earned their keep around here.  On many occasions, all I’ve had to do is point to his tiny perch, and my kids instantly think twice about what they’re doing. They know that he’s taking mental notes all day long to give the boss all the dirt on them.  You gotta love that kind of power. He’s like the eyes and ears for the Don Corleone of all gifts.  I can’t decide if I have a crush on him or if I wanna rip his throat out cause I’m jealous of him. Maybe we’ll sort it all out when we go out for drinks next weekend.  I hear he’s a lightweight, so maybe I can get him to spill some of his secrets after a few cocktails.

     For now, all I know is that that pint-sized pixie better hurry up and get his spy on cause I’m losing my marbles trying to keep these kids of mine in line.  All the excitement over the holidays has them bouncing off the freaking walls.  My daughter even openly admitted to me last night that “it’s really hard to be good every day.”  So, I’m not ashamed to admit that I need all the help I can get throughout these next twenty-five days of craziness.  I wish I could talk Clyde into just staying the whole year through, but I don’t think I can really compete with the eleven month vacation the fat man promises him in return for all his hard work.

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12 Responses

  1. What a cute idea! As soon as my rugrats are old enough that little elf will be spending December at my house too!

    • I highly recommend that you put an elf on your shelf. My daughter is especially fascinated by him. So flipping cute! 🙂

  2. Wish I had one of these years ago, mine are to old for this one but great for the little ones.

  3. this is the funniest thing ever!!! my kid is not old enough to really get it but we will certainly get one next year! ha-larious!

  4. NFM, we just got one this year and are fired up to get some additional reinforcements.

    hope my wife doesn’t fall in love with him, though. that’d be kinda awkward. i mean with him sitting in our house and all. jco

  5. Sounds like fun. Couldn’t do it in my house ‘cuz the kids would never believe. But it would be fun to “mess” with them a bit.

  6. That is such a great idea! I wish we had one when my girls were little.

  7. Once again Jews get the shaft. Do they make a Moses on the shelf? I guess the image of an ematiated old man with a long white beard isn’t as cute and fun. Cute Elf though.

    • I think you should totally make a Jewish version of this elf on the shelf. There’s your million-dollar money-making get-rich-quick scheme! I’ll be your business partner!

  8. I read about this last year and ordered one on clearance after Christmas. I can’t wait to get it out and see what happens. Something tells me that my three two year old terrors, won’t really care. We’ll see how their big brother behaves.

  9. Hi…new here from Twitter.

    I was at some friend’s house last weekend and the cell phone beeped and he said, “time to move the elf on the shelf” and I was all like wtf are YOU drinking? He set his phone alarm to go off every night to remind him to move the little guy. Just an idea. I really want one but $30? Eh…I’ll just keep screaming at the kidlets instead…free!

  10. I’ve always been a bit paranoid so that doll creeps me out. If an elf doll can monitor the kid’s behavior and report back to Santa, how long before the kid starts thinking all the other toys are watching and judging him? Next thing you know, the kid thinks Mr. Potato Head is watching him even when Mr. Potato Head’s eyes are stashed in his back pocket.

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