Penis Overload

     I swear, if it’s not all about the poop in my house, then it’s all about the penis.  Even with the gender ratio being split right down the middle, the focus still seems to be primarily on the shlong. Between my husband and my son, it’s a serious toss-up as to whose johnson receives the most human interaction on any given day.  I suppose it’s a real life gear shift for the male species, and they want to hold on to it for dear life.  My son, however, hasn’t had as long of a relationship with his little member, so it’s a whole world of discovery for him. Every day is like an on-going show and tell, and his “peeper” never fails to make multiple appearances throughout a twenty-four hour period of time.  

     Without fail, one such appearance tends to always take place on the crapper.  My son cannot ever seem to sit on the toilet to take a dump without poking and pulling and plucking the pecker.  I’m honestly surprised he hasn’t already had to experience the pain of chafing with all the tugging that poor thing has had to endure.  I have actually cringed on more than one occasion just watching him torture that pitiful little peter. And lately, he’s come up with even newer and even better little “skills” it can perform while sitting on the pot.  For instance, he loves to make it “dance” by flinging it around in a circle like it’s a freaking lump of silly putty or something.  He’s also decided that he can make it look like a “bobblehead” by bouncing up and down on the toilet seat until it begins to wobble.  I gotta say that the kid certainly deserves some credit, though, cause out of all the comparisons I’ve ever heard over the years, I’ve never once heard a penis being associated with a bobblehead figure.  (Why do I have the feeling that some of my male readers have suddenly taken a break from this post to test out their own bobblehead abilities?)

     Another nightly ritual that my son has instituted lately involves stripping down buck naked and running around the family room at full speed. He runs lap after lap after lap around the furniture, all while clutching his johnson as if it’s going to fly right off his body and be eaten by the dog (which, actually, is not a far-off possibility now that I think about it).  My daughter seems to find this naked display of calisthenics highly entertaining cause she laughs and squeals and claps throughout the whole five minute work out.  I don’t know about you, but exercising in the nude is something I’ve never really even thought about doing.  Perhaps it helps your endurance and flexibility to not be confined by such things as clothing?

     I guess I should be grateful that the trouser snake only comes out to play in the privacy of our home.  I suppose it could always be worse.  If I start to get phone calls from school telling me that the genie’s been let out of the bottle on the playground, well then we certainly have a problem, don’t we?  If grown men are any sort of proof at all, then it looks like my son and his penis are on the road to a long and beautiful friendship together.

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27 Responses

  1. My 7 yr old son isn’t doing naked exercises but there have been plenty of time where I’ve told him to stop touching his penis. I have two sons. Sigh, I’m doomed.

  2. My life exactly! My son would have that thing in his hand all day if we let him!

  3. My son is like that. He went through a phase where he’d slap it to watch it bounce. His penis gets SO much abuse. He’s all but tied it in a knot. My least favorite thing? In the tub he puts stuff of it. Like he fits the cups over it and stuff. DH thinks it’s hilarious, and he IS only 3 but geez! And it doesn’t get better. When it’s just DH and I somewhere(like on the couch after kid bedtime) he can’t watch tv or read a book without manipulating it in some way. Not masturbating, just playing like he’s got a nervous tick. *sigh*

    • Oh yeah, the hubbies are just sitting back with their hands down their pants proudly watching their little offspring running around with their John Thomas’ in their grip.

  4. Oh, I can’t wait ’till I get to experience this with my son. He’s only 3 months old now, but he has already discovered that his pecker makes for a great handle. It’s like his “oh Shit” strap in the car, every time I change his diaper he goes right for it. I only hope mine’s a fast runner so when he starts streaking he can outrun the cops!

    • I have no doubt that my son will be the first one in his fraternity to strip down and raid the sororities. (And his proud papa will be right there with the video camera to document the whole event.)

  5. Oh no…my Little Man is only 20 months old….don’t tell me this is what I have to look forward to!! My 2 other children are girls….thank heavens for little girls-at least I can relate to them!!

  6. LMAO, I’m so glad I had a girl!

  7. omg! I hsve 3 boys and i don’t think the older two did the running around naked thing… but my 4yo likes to run around at bathtime while cluthing his “huggies” yelling “(the dog’s name) don’t bite my huggie off plz don’t bite my huggie” its too funny 🙂

  8. Thank god I am having a 2nd girl…..I am currently wiping the tears from my eyes, but I have successfully managed to control the preggo bladder. This is the best blog yet! You are truely the best.

    • Well, crap! My entire goal in writing this post was to make someone pee their pants! Guess I gotta dig deeper into the vault of stories….. 🙂 Thanks, as always, for being a loyal reader! Smooches! 🙂

  9. That is hilarious! Luckily, my son isn’t much of an exhibitionist so I don’t have to worry about public nudity. Like most boys, though, the fascination with his “manhood” started young and I expect will continue for many happy years to come 🙂

    • Boys/men just have a very special bond with their penises. I suppose women will just never understand how deep that bond really is. 🙂

  10. This is great not only do you talk about it but you are supplying ideas! Awesome. My 2 sons do the same thing. My youngest plays peek-a-boo with it and yells “Look at my pee-pee!”
    The penis is an extraordinary appendage. It is resilient and pliable. It can take a beating and bounce right back. What other appendage can make those claims?…and it is truly the best friend any male can have and it doubles as a toy!

    • You are right — the penis should win some kind of resiliency award. Definitely takes a lickin’ and keeps on tickin’. Timex has gotten nothing on the peter. Just sayin. 🙂

  11. My son is 3 and I have visions of him doing exactly as your son does. Whenever he is naked, pulls it in every direction possible and he also stands in front of our full length mirror admiring it as he jumps and down and watches it bounce.

    Never having had an appendage I was so in love with, I just have to shake my head and hope that he doesn’t let the “genie out of the bottle” at school any time soon. 😉

    • Oh, just you wait! Look at all the free live entertainment that’s gonna be in your near distant future! You’ll never need to go to the movies again! 🙂

  12. My son is turning nine and we have all sorts of good stories about this kind of thing.

    • I hope you’re tucking it all into your mental library to use as bribery some day — not that we’re doing that or anything…. 🙂

  13. You are hilarious! I had to click over to check out your blog after I read your name on Twitter. Love the name. As I was scrolling through your blog, I was thinking, “I wonder where she gets these pictures?” Then I happened upon the giant snow penis. OMG!

    So, of course, I had to read. Thanks for the chuckles and for reminding me why I’m glad there’s only one male in our house – my son – and to keep all the other ones out. His three sisters would surely Eeewwww him outta here if he started doing stuff like that. LOL

    • Well, I’m so glad you found me! I hope you come back for more of my craziness! These little people that hang on my legs are constantly giving me more & more writing material. There’s certainly never a dull moment around here. 🙂

  14. First time on your site, and I have to say I’m impressed. I’d be interested to know what your neighbours thought of your snowcock. Awesome. Keep it up (so to speak).

    – BFG

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