Shit Happens


     You may recall that I’m not the greatest at relaxing.  And sadly, it takes a little old thing like surgery to allow me the chance to even try to take it easy.  You would think that would be the one time that the stars would align in my favor.  However, even after going under the knife, my time to take care of myself was sure enough cut short by the chaos that consumes my every waking moment.  Enter the demon dog, a bowl full of poo, and the very reason why I preach to my kids about flushing their butt bombs.

     One night last week when I was laid up in bed trying to shake off the pain from my surgery, I kept thinking that I heard the clinking of dog tags outside my bedroom door.  My husband was downstairs watching t.v., so I felt fairly confident that he surely had the gate in place on the stairs to keep the dog from running amuck throughout the house.  He knew that I needed to rest, and he surely would have done everything in his power to keep the commotion to a minimum, right?  Therefore, I dismissed the noise as just a delusional side effect from my pain pills.  After all, the meds had been causing me all kinds of nightmares and crazy dreams every single night, so it wasn’t such a far-fetched idea then that I might simply just be hearing things.  

     The clinking noise, however, did not stop.  In fact, it grew even louder.  Now I may have been in a drugged out haze, but I most certainly heard something clanking around outside my door.  I yelled for my husband several times but got absolutely no response whatsoever.  So, I carefully hoisted myself out of bed and hobbled into the hall.  I painfully followed the noise, step by agonizing step, into the kids’ bathroom where I was greeted by a most unpleasant sight. There in the dim glow of the bumblebee nightlight stood the very bain of my existence all hunched over the toilet.  As he lifted his furry head, water dripping from his beard, lips smacking together happily, I felt the three saltine crackers that I’d managed to keep down at dinner slowly start to rise up in my throat.  You see, it seemed that once again, my kids had taken a ridiculously large dump and had failed to flush it down.  And apparently, our goat-like dog saw this as his golden brown opportunity to help himself to a little late-night snack.

     I grabbed the little shit-eating beast by the collar and attempted to lead him back out into the hall, all while trying to avoid the puddles of dung water that had splashed onto the floor.  I repeatedly yelled for my husband but got no response, so I had to just suck up the pain and drag the dog’s nasty ass all the way down the flippin’ stairs. When I finally reached the bottom, I was made very aware of just why my husband was completely oblivious to the whole wreck of a mess that was taking place on the second floor.  He was all sprawled out on the couch, peacefully snoring the night away, while I, the recovering surgical patient, was busy trying to wrangle one fecal-loving fiend. All my shouting eventually stirred him from his tranquil slumber, and he jumped up and took over the out of control situation.  I didn’t stick around to watch the clean-up efforts because my queasy stomach had already had enough.

     The next day, we had our ten billionth talk with the kids about the importance of hitting that flush button on the toilet whenever a transaction is conducted.  But, as with most of our lectures talks, I’m sure it went in one ear and quickly exited the other.  I’m sure it’s only a matter of time till I come across yet another unflushed bowl.  And as for the poop nibbler, I’m having a REALLY hard time allowing him to kiss me with that tongue of his now that I know just where it’s been. He gave a whole new meaning to the term potty mouth that night.


18 Responses

  1. and this is why we don’t have dog anymore! I can’t imagine the kid copying the dog!

  2. hahahahahaha….sweet memories of my childhood dog just came back to me. I had a really good chuckle, and the baby must have enjoyed it too, cuz she is rolling around in there like a mad woman. Figures the hubby was snoring on the couch when you needed him. You should get one of those bells.

  3. Ewww. Yeah, I have a hard time letting my dogs give me kisses given the other behavior I observe – and they aren’t even poop eaters.

    • Yes, a dog’s nose has most certainly been in more than one disgusting place on any given day. Not sure why we EVER let them kiss us. Barf!

  4. *shudder* I still say it had to taste like shit. LOL….

  5. You poor thing, recovering from surgery and dealing with this too…ugh! We watched a dog who does this & when I caught him in the act (in the yard) I nearly hurled. Gotta tell you, reading your account of what happened was way funnier than actually experiencing something like this. But it still makes me gag.
    Hope you’re feeling much better!
    ~ Momma Lioness

    • Thank you for the well wishes! I’m feeling much better. The dog, however, is determined to bring me down though. The little SOB shit on the floor not once but TWICE last night! I don’t think the theme of my life will ever be anything but poop.

  6. I seriously feel like I may vomit – thanks for sharing.

  7. Gah! Thank God my dogs don’t do that. Although, the giant one will have a little sip out of the “bowl” if the lid is left open.

    Hope you are starting to feel better.

    • I’d be able to deal w/a little sip of toilet water a whole lot better than eating my son’s crap. Dogs are so nasty.

  8. And that just reaffirmed my decision to NEVER get a dog..*barf*

  9. OH NO no no no… your pooch and my pooches should go canine bowling together! I feel your pain- not surgical… the pain of wrangling poop eaters.
    Feel better soon- and restrict everyone’s fiber intake til you’re up and about.

    • Ha! I love the fiber comment! I guess maybe he was feeling like being a little rebellious & eating a “shitty” diet for a change.

  10. Why, dear god, do dogs do this???

    • Because dogs like to lick their own assholes, I guess it’s not too hard to believe that they’d be all for eating human poo too.

  11. I’m sitting here with TEARS running down my face….as just pullling up the post and the PICTURE had me laughing until I cried….
    and then I READ this….

    Thank you for injecting bladder-control laughter into my morning.

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