RELAX? — That’s Just Nutty!

massage

     Relaxation.  I suck at it.  I have a history of sucking at it.  I will probably forever suck at it.  No matter how hard I try, I just cannot let go of everything.  My mind is like an Energizer bunny racing over all the things that I should/need to be doing — it just keeps going & going & going & going.  In fact, I often think that long-eared, furry SOB’s marching through my head banging that damn drum of his 24/7 just to keep me on my toes. So, when I’m required to be laid up for a few days to recover from surgery, it’s not necessarily gonna be the easiest thing in the world for someone like me to do.  

     I have never been very good at relaxing.  I’m the woman who goes in for a massage, and the therapist says, “You’ve gotta be kidding me with this one.”  I don’t think I’ve ever had a masseuse who hasn’t commented on how tense my muscles are.  I’m like a knotted up stale pretzel that’s as hard as a rock.  I think they might have high hopes at the beginning of my appointment because I’m like a challenge for them to conquer.  However, halfway through the hour, I can sense their frustration and desire to just give up on me.  I swear I often hear a quiet little “Hot damn!” followed by a light clicking of the heels in the air from the therapist as I finally exit the room.

     I was also the only woman to almost get kicked out of lamaze class when I was pregnant with my twins. Lamaze is supposed to be all about reducing the stress and pain of childbirth by focusing your attention on relaxation and breathing.  Ha!  Not an easy task for someone who can’t EVER relax, much less when a six and a half AND a seven and a half pound baby are needing to somehow squeeze their way out between her legs. When we were at the point in the class where we were supposed to close our eyes and go to our “happy place”, and our partners were sitting behind us rubbing our backs, and the instructor was walking around the room talking in a soothing voice, I was the crazy pregnant lady who was giggling and looking around at all the loud breathing and forced relaxation that was going on. The instructor even had to stop her soothing voice more than once to call me out for disrupting the flow of things.  I just couldn’t get into the whole thing.  I felt like a complete phony because most people know that childbirth is anything BUT stress-free.     

     So, now that I’m supposed to lay low and take it easy after my surgery the other day, I am having a hard time not getting involved with the insanity that’s taking place on the floor directly below my bedroom.  My mother-in-law is graciously down there trying to hold down the fort, but I have this overwhelming desire to want to try to help.  It’s just in my nature. (Don’t laugh!  You knew what you signed up for when you chose to read a blog called “NUCKING FUTS MAMA”!! You didn’t really think I was normal, did you?!)  I’m used to running around like a chicken with my head cut off, and my brain’s not really sure what to do with all this inactivity.  

     I always talk about my imaginary deserted island and how much I’d love to go there and just chill.  Truth be told, though, I’d probably be up and down and out of my beach chair a gazillion times to gather more coconuts or take a dip in the ocean.  I’m just not a sit-still kind of a person.  I would love to just let it all go, but, unfortunately, I’m too much of a control freak. Maybe someday I’ll learn how to relax, but I have a feeling that won’t be until I’m long gone and my ashes are scattered about my fictitious little island in the sun.

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13 Responses

  1. Okay the squirrels alone are a killer. Great blog. I know exactly what you mean. I’m doing physical therapy for my neck because I’m so stressed out and every time I go she asks me, “What have you done now?”

  2. I’m the same way, I can’t relax. Heck, I can’t even do the soothing hot bath. Sounds good in theory but I get in the tub and all I can think about is all the other things I could/should be doing during that time. I’ve stopped trying. What’s the saying? There’s plenty of time to rest when you’re dead?

  3. I could sit for hours reading an excellent book or sitting doing sewing of some kind. But I’d have to have something I could “pop and do”…if I didn’t, there is no way on God’s green earth I’d be able to sit for hours with my book or sewing!! Like you, I’m too much a “oh let me just get that job done” type of person.

    Recover quickly and well… love and hugs (plus wine and chocolate – shh don’t tell ANYONE!!) coming your way.

    • Ok, lady! You know the shortcut to my heart — wine & chocolate! That will certainly cheer a sister up! U need to move to my street!

  4. right there with you……. no relaxing for this mama either!! I’m total a type A!

  5. I am NO good at relaxing. I’ve got surgery coming up in 6 weeks and then I’ll be “recovering” for 4 weeks. WHAT?!?!? 4 WEEKS! Uh…the good news is that without moving any boxes or lifting anything larger than 10 lbs, it will give me some time to finish unpacking those last 10 moving boxes. 🙂

  6. I totally get this … although I just laughed my ass off at the idea of GOING to lamaze. The funny part. I am LAZY … oh, how I would LOVE to sit and relax all the time. I never seem to accomplish anything (mom of two, although not twins… you know what I mean) but I never seem to stop moving. I am lobbying for hubby to take the kids to his parents for an overnighter so I can clean without the Energizer DESTRUCTO Bunnies coming behind me.
    Now, lie still … and breath DEEPLY!

  7. The squirrels rock!

    Relaxing is for pussies. I just can’t do it. The over achiever lurking inside me holds up a flashing neon sign saying “Veto”. When I clean the house I look like I’m on speed. At work I keep 15 – 20 tabs open at a time to make sure I’m on top of everything. I walk fast, eat fast, talk fast and tweet in my sleep. There is no turning me off.

    So during recovery do as I would. Prop yourself up, laptop, newspaper, and iPhone snuggled in beside you and rule the damn world like the true control freak you are. Hope you feel better soon.

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