Surgery Woes


I don’t care who you are, having surgery’s never a day at the park for anybody.  

There’s the whole starving yourself after midnight until your stomach decides to eat itself right before you get cut open,

the repeating of your name and birthdate over and over to a bazillion different nurses and doctors,

the oh-so-sexy surgical socks that make you feel like a total eighty-five year old lady,

the paper thin hospital gown that makes you feel even more like an eighty-five year old lady,

the humiliation of having to walk around to the bathroom with your ass peeking out of said paper-thin gown,

the nurse who pokes the shit out of your hand to insert the iv and discovers that she’s gonna have to also poke the shit out of your other hand as well,

the glaring lights of the operating room that make you feel like you’re on a billboard in Vegas,

the leftover bitterness of the anesthesia in your mouth that tastes like you’ve been eating hubcaps for breakfast,

the recovery nurse who speaks very little to no recognizable sounds of English and tries to give you a run-down of what to expect,

the woman in the bed next to you who won’t shut the hell up and then pukes in a bag and tells everyone about it,

the nurse who comes to check your vitals who’s apparently dipped herself in a vat of the most putrid-smelling perfume ever to be bottled and sold,

the frustration of following suit from the patient in the bed next to you and vomiting into a stack of paper towels in your own husband’s hands,

the stomach churning of having to suck on rabbit turd-shaped ice cubes that seem to have been frozen from sewer water,

the waiting around on pins and needles (literally) to decide if you’re gonna get kicked to the curb or not,

and finally, the robotic orderly who can’t even manage to say two words to you when he wheels you out and does, in fact, kick you to the curb.

However, once you can lay your head down on your own pillow in your own bed and sleep away the awfulness of the day, it feels like a little slice of heaven that you have most definitely earned.


18 Responses

  1. Sounds like it went well! Welcome home:)

  2. ah, surgery!

    This part cracked me up:
    “the recovery nurse who speaks very little to no recognizable sounds of English and tries to give you a run-down of what to expect”

    I work at a community college that has a popular nursing program. Half the students I encounter cannot speak English properly to save their lives (or others, for that matter). They have to pass Freshman English, reading and composition. How they pass it, I’ll never know.

    • I never understand why people who don’t speak very good English get hired for jobs that require them to speak a lot! Makes absolutely no sense to me!

  3. Glad everything turned out ok mama. I have never had surgery before, and the first time I was ever in the hospital was to have my daughter. You are making me SOOOOO look forward to having the inevitable surgeries in my future.

  4. I hope you at least got some good drugs.

  5. I’m so glad you’re home safe and sound! Your story reminds me of my emergency c-section and the aftermaths of that surgery. It hurt to laugh; I had 4 layers of stitches for pete’s sake! lol **ouch** lol **ouch**

    Take care of yourself while you recover. Your kids can play ‘nurse’ and ‘orderly’ or pretend they are waitress and waiter. Give them a crayon, a tiny steno pad, a makeshift apron and have them take your orders for meals and snacks. I think it’s time they did something FOR their mom. 😉

    Sending lots of healing wishes your way.

    • You are so sweet! I hope your friends appreciate how thoughtful you are! Luckily, I have my MIL here to help me. She’s been awesome, bringing me food, etc. I’m already sick of laying around in bed, so hopefully, this healing process will go quickly!

  6. Glad you made it home, and thanks for the post. Only been in the OR once myself but you got me remembering it. Not fun.

    PS: If your dr ever says Liver and Biopsy in same sentence, RUN… or ask for general anesthesia. Getting poked by a 4 foot needle is NOT fun.

  7. You should have at least puked on the orderly … that would have made it worth it.
    Glad you are home! Hope the pain meds kick in STAT!

    • Well, crap! Wish I would’ve thought of that! That would’ve been a good way of telling him that he sucked. Oh well, maybe next time….oh, wait! I hope there never is a next time!

  8. I haven’t read anything more than this but I need to know if you’re OK! Hope you are, and that this was just minor!

    • Thank you. Yes, I’m ok. It was outpatient surgery (a laparoscopy) cause they thought I had an umbilical hernia. Turned out that I didn’t even have one — surgeon just ended up cleaning up some scar tissue (from my prior surgery — see one of my older blogs if you wanna hear the whole drawn-out story).

  9. How come it’s always the same experience no matter where you live, how old you are or the procedure you’re having?
    The worst for me was not being able to eat for 48 hours before having a malignant tumor taken from my colon when I was 31.
    I was close to eating my own hand by the time the 22nd hour rolled around.
    Hope you’re recovering well, I enjoy your blog and especially your tweets, medicated or not.

    • Well, I’m glad you enjoy my blog & tweets! I will try to keep bringing the funny — I typically have stupid/weird things happen to me so I tend to have lots of material to use. 🙂

  10. Oh Wow…that pic is just too funny. Thanks for the laugh!


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