The Fredgie

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     I think it’s pretty safe to say that we’ve all had a wedgie at some point in time, right? They’re a total pain in the ass (sometimes literally), and they typically occur at very inopportune times.  This was one of the main reasons why I decided to make a full-time commitment to thongs a few years back.  Yes, you have to get used to having a permanent wedgie, but at least they’re staying in one place and not moving around every this way and that.  Or at least I thought they were….

     As I was walking into the gym yesterday, I had a most unpleasantly awkward experience in my nether regions.  Something was just not quite right.  Now, I don’t know if it was because I was wearing tight running pants or if it was because of the particular thong I had on, but I suddenly felt like I had a fredgie — a front wedgie. Whatever it was, I just knew that things had definitely shifted around down south.

     I went straight to the locker room to assess the situation.  My first thought was that maybe I had my damn thong on backwards.  After all, it HAS been a rough month in which I’ve been running on fumes, so it was definitely a possibility. After some top notch investigating, my suspicions were at once confirmed.  I didn’t have it on backwards, but I most certainly did have a fredgie goin’ on.  So, I put things back in their proper place and made my way to the weight room.  Problem solved.  However, as I was in the middle of my lunges, I again felt some creeping and crawling taking place in areas where they just should not be.  What the hell?!  Why was this happening to me?  

     I was then faced with how I should rectify this little predicament.  I thought maybe I could just do some extra wide squats to get things back where they should be, but that didn’t work.  I then tried doing some abdominal bicycle crunches to try to wiggle it out of there, but that didn’t work either.  I so badly wanted to just reach down and move it manually like guys do with their balls.  Why is it that men can grope and grab themselves in public and nobody even bats an eye? Women should be allowed this same opportunity.  Unfortunately, people tend to assume that women must have an STD or the freaking plague if they even so much as try to scratch that area.  So, I figured that option was out, as well.  Instead, I just sucked it up (no pun intended) and finished my workout with my vajayjay floss.  (Do you have any idea what that feels like on a stairmaster?!)

     This whole ordeal really got me thinking that there must be some other poor woman out there who’s shared this same experience.  So, I decided to ask my Twitter friends what they would call a front wedgie in a thong.  Surprisingly, I got a lot of really really funny responses. Some said camel toe (although it wasn’t something that could be seen externally), some said painful, and one even said torture.  My favorite response, though, was given by @Ieatmykidzsnack who said, “An orgasm.” Wow, I wish it was as good for me as it was for her.

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28 Responses

  1. I am dying laughing! I can just picture you doing those “extra wide squats” to try & dislodge the fredgie. I have come upon this problem myself & did try different wiggles & squirms to try to loosen the problem but nothing worked. I had to manually rearrange my panties to get them back in proper working order.
    Great post! Love it

    • See, I knew I wasn’t the only one. It’s just one of those taboo subjects that women wanna keep to themselves. If we get it out there in the open, we can figure out a way to deal with such problems. I say we band together & make it socially acceptable to dig around down there until we get things put back where they should be. If guys can do it, well then, by George, we should be able to do it too!

  2. hahahaha….you almost made the pregnant lady pee herself. I had an awesome date night last night, and the daughter slept amazingly well. This just topped of the morning and officially made it an excellent day! When not supersized and pregnant, I typically wear the VS Pink cotton thongs, cuz they are lowrise, so you can wear them with anything and they stay in place pretty well. I too have suffered the fredgie before I switched my brand of underwear. I only buy them when they have the $1.99 underwear sale though LOL (I’m too cheap).

    • Would you believe that I WAS wearing a VS Pink thong?! I don’t know what the deal was, but that sucker was moving all over the place.

  3. wait till you get a fredgie while wearing tight jeans and walking! you’ll know what @ieatmykidzsnack is talking about! hot damm 🙂

    • Sweet! Maybe I’ll just have to “create” that little scenario the next time I’m wearing my skinny jeans. I don’t want to feel left out of all the fun, ya know. 😉

  4. oh god, wedgies are bad enough. I typically go commando around the house. I’m not really sure WHY I feel a need to put on underwear before walking out the door though. It’s not like anyone can tell when I go through the drive-thru:p

    • I’m a big fan of the commando around the house too. And you’re so right — why do we need to cover up when we leave the house?! Unless we’ve got a gaggle of paparazzi on our tail, I doubt anyone’s gonna be peering around up in there while we’re at the grocery store.

  5. I think that every woman has done “the wiggle” as some point. That still doesn’t keep me from laughing at your tale of woe. You tell it so well! I totally agree with you, by the way, we should be allowed to “rearrange” like the guys do.

    • Let’s start a movement — the “Women Should Be Allowed to Dig Around Down There” campaign. Equal opportunity, baby!

  6. I’ll never look at a woman in the gym the same way again. I’ll always wonder if that extra long lung was to un-floss her frontal regions. And when I see another workout lady put a little extra shimmy into her stair-steppin’, I’m gonna assume her fredgie’s getting the best of her.

    Nice work lady…..love the blog.

    • See, you just never know what’s going on in that hot girl’s pants on the elliptical machine that you’re drooling over. 😉

  7. Yes! That is a great term–fredgie!! And yes, guilty.

    Where on earth did you find that picture? Hilarious!

    • See, now I’ve got it out there on the table — more & more people are gonna come out of the closet on this one! Liberate, people, liberate! As for the picture, I just googled “picking wedgie” and came across it…it’s actually Hayden Panitierre.

  8. Man, that has to be one of the funniest blog posts I’ve ever read! I can’t say I’ve ever had a fredgie but it sure cracks me up to know such a thing exists. Thanks for the light-hearted look at one of life’s smaller problems and keep up the terrific blogging!

    • Thanks for reading & for commenting. You are one of the few lucky ones who’ve narrowly escaped the fredgie. May your nether regions continue to be “fredgie-free”…. 😉

  9. Oh, girlfriend… You think you’ve got problems now. Wait till you reach the age of “Depends.”

    • Oh, don’t you even go there, lady! I can’t even begin to think about the days of Depends. Maybe they’ll come out w/the thong version of Depends by the time I’m ready for them.

  10. Too funny! The pic you included for this blog could be a new Virginia Slims Cig commercial that says “You’ve come a long way Baby” in reference to the unwritten laws that say we women can’t rearrange things when anyone is looking.

  11. DUDE how did you NOT have a giant O with a fudgie on the stairmaster? My BFF and I coined the phrase “fudgie” in 6th grade.

    • I need to hang out w/you more often. I have a feeling I’d be a lot “happier” in life w/some of the tricks & trades you’d show me. 😉

  12. oh I’ve had a fredgie.. I hate them. I’ve been in the position of not having an available bathroom, so I went out to my car, unzipped my jeans, and fixed the offending cotton. I’ve thrown out some pairs that were repeat offenders.

    • So, we need to make it our mission to make it socially acceptable for women to just dig away in public, rather than having to hide away in our cars to rearrange things.

  13. I’ve never put my knickers (can you call a little scrap of something knickers??) on backwards, but I have put them on sideways – you know, where you go thru’ the leg part of your panties rather than the waist part?? I didn’t notice for a while and then tried to figure out why I had a baggie bit round one of my hips!!!! Yes, I’ve had the fredgie too and I agree with andrea, altho I never wear tight jeans I’ve still had the “oooo something’s starting to burn down there!”…and wondered if maybe I should walk an extra block just to see where the burn goes…
    Great post! Thanks for raising a laugh

    • I’ve totally done the sideways thing too, many, many times, actually. That’s what getting dressed in the dark gets ya. I’m gonna start trying to work on this “burn” down there that y’all are talking about — I’m feeling left out here.

  14. Funniest thing I have read in a while. And yes, I’ve experience a fredgie and it sucks!

    • I’m so glad to know that I’m not alone in the fredgie department! I gotta believe there are a lot of closeted fredgies out there who just need to be freed (pun intended). Thanks for reading and for laughing! 🙂

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