Worst Mother of the Year


     So, have you heard the big news?  My kids nominated me for the “Worst Mother of the Year” award the other night.  Yeah, they think I’ve got a really good shot at winning it this year.  According to them, I’m really smoking the competition cause I suck WAY more than the other moms could even possibly suck.  (Get your mind out of the gutter, people, cause that was in no way meant to be sexual, you little pervs.)  I mean, sheesh, you take away some Halloween candy from a couple of kids, and they throw you right under the damn bus.

     It all started the other night when my husband was on yet another out of town business trip, and I was going through the whole song and dance pain in the ass routine of bedtime around here.  I put them to bed, and, as usual, they got right back out of bed.  They had to pee, they had to poop, they wanted socks, they wanted a drink of water, they wanted the hall light on, they wanted the hall light off, they basically wanted to drive me out of my mother frickin’ mind. After tromping up and down the stairs three different times, I announced that the next time I heard so much as a single peep out of them, I would take away the remainder of their Halloween candy — every single last piece of it.  I even had them repeat it to be sure that they heard me and understood just what the consequences would be if they continued to play around. They reiterated my threat, and it seemed that we were definitely on the same page.  I wasn’t messing around — I’d pulled out the big guns and went right for the most important bargaining tool I had.

     I went back downstairs to finally eat my dinner and had just settled down to take my first bite when I heard a loud CRASH from overhead.  I practically spit out my food because I could not believe one of them had the audacity to test me.  I marched right back up the stairs to find that my daughter had decided to have a damn after hours tea party and had accidentally dropped one of the saucers.  Big mistake, sister. She was soooooo busted!  I announced in a very matter-of-fact manner that her candy was gone, and she immediately burst into hysterics.  I calmly shut her door and made my way back downstairs.  I refused to crumble and give in to her drama, so I took a bunch of deep breaths.  The wails were growing louder and louder by the minute, so I turned the t.v. on to try to drown out the noise.  And, wouldn’t ya know, not too much longer after the first shakedown did I hear another loud thump from up above.  

     I again climbed back up the flippin’ staircase to find my son standing in the hall with a slimy grin on his face and a pair of socks in his hand.  He wanted to tell me that he was getting some socks out of his drawer, AKA trying to see how far he could push me to the edge.  When I told him that his candy would also be hittin’ the high road, he thrust himself onto the floor and joined his sister in throwing a balls-to-the-wall tantrum like no other.  

     I again walked away from the madness and plopped on the couch downstairs with my now cold microwaved dinner and turned the t.v. up even louder.  The exasperated cries of “NO!!!” were only mildly camouflaged by the blare of the boob tube.  Had I missed something here?  I was pretty sure I had made myself perfectly clear when I very thoroughly explained just exactly what would happen if the goofing around continued, and I was pretty sure that they had each said that they thoroughly understood those consequences.  So, how horribly awful of me then to do EXACTLY WHAT I SAID I WAS GOING TO DO.  

     Truth be told, I was secretly looking for an excuse to get rid of all the jackass candy anyway, and their little nighttime high jinks were just the ticket I needed.  To them though, I might as well have taken away the air they breathe because that sugar high was what they’ve lived for ever since October 31.  So, when I make my acceptance speech at the “Worst Mother of the Year” Awards ceremony in a few weeks, I’ll actually mean it when I say that I want to thank all the little people who helped make it happen.


14 Responses

  1. Hey, you did what you had to do. Raising kids is a never ending war, and you squashed their front line with a tank. O well, they should have listened.

  2. If you don’t show them that you’ll carry through with whatever punishment that you’ve threatened, you are totally doomed. You did the right thing even if it does win you a somewhat dubious reward. The alternative is unthinkable!

  3. Oh man what a great idea! I’m SO using that as the going threat! It’s a win-win. Either they’ll listen or I get to stop hearing “can I have a candy” every five minutes. Hopefully next time they’ll take you more seriously. Eventually they’ll learn. Good luck. My 9 year olds are still pushing. I’m not sure it ever ends.

    • The Halloween candy was a huge deal to them, & they were driving me out of my flippin’ mind asking for candy 24 hours a day. And wouldn’t you know, it’s all a thing of the past now that the storm has blown over. I haven’t heard another word about it! Hope it works for you too!

  4. Oh, I don’t know I’m up for the award based on not letting 4 watch a certain show with a misbehaving bunny whose parents don’t seem gto live with him; for insisting that he use his inside voice while his sister is sleeping; for requiring him to eat something from one of the four food groups prior to eating a Halloween treat; for making him wear regular underwear and expecting him to both pee and poop (I know, I”m terrible) in the potty; and last, but surely not least, insisting that he cannot play with his penis in the living room.

    I think that last one wins me the award if the judging panel is male :).

    • Wow, you sound like a horrible excuse of a mother doing all of those totally normal, totally reasonable things! I love the penis rule too — I should instill that in my house too & have it apply to ALL the males in this house.

  5. Good for you for standing your ground. Not many parents can follow through with the threat of taking something away. But if you’re named Worst Mother of the Year for taking away candy, then I’m probably worst mother of the decade. My daughter tested me a few yrs back, she refused to pick up her toys. So I had told her if she didn’t clean them up I was going to take her favorite toy and smash it to pieces. I gave her a couple of hours and went back to check her work. Instead of finding a clean floor, she made an even bigger mess. So, I took her favorite toy and right in front of her, smashed it to pieces. She cried her eyes out. I was so mad at her for testing me, I had to follow through with my threat or else she would walk all over me. That toy was expensive and I hate throwing out money. She hasn’t tested me since. My dad said I was the meanest mom to do that to her. I didn’t do it to her, she did it to herself by not listening. How else was she going to learn?

    • Well good for you! Somebody’s gotta lay down the law! My mom always said being a parent is the hardest job in the world, and I totally know why now.

  6. You did absolutely the right thing and good for for sticking to your guns. Kids need to understand and respect boundaries. Let them hate you now. If it keeps them out of jail later, you will have done your job and done it well.

  7. amen sister…we are not their friends……that can come later. we have to do what’s best for them…even if it’s hard for US. sometimes punishment is harder on us than on them….but we still have to do it:) god….i sound like my mom. how the hell did that happen??!!??

  8. priceless! i go through the same drama here, but it always seems a little funnier when it happens to someone else. hopefully you got some humor out of it… i always get a good laugh from your posts.

    • It’s ALWAYS funnier when it happens to someone else! Glad I can make you laugh & hope to keep you coming back for more! 😉

  9. Good for you! You did the right thing. I managed to get a good routine down early with my son and as a result he NEVER comes out of his room after I put him to bed (or pulls any of the crap you described) other than to go to the bathroom occasionally in the middle of the night. It’s so worth it to go through those first few tantrums. It should yield years of smooth transitions and peaceful nights!

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